Ex wants to take DD away over my 50th birthday.

[jumpingbean1810]

It's my 50th next Feb half term. I planned to celebrate in uk with friends and family and then go away with DD (14) for remainder of week. I'm a single parent and she's my only child. Ex (married with 2 more children) wants to take them all skiing for the week. I've said I'm happy to cancel going away (nothing booked yet) but DD has said she really wants to be home on my actual bday (monday). I've suggested they therefore go for 5 days instead of 7 days so she can do both and isn't torn between my bday and skiing. He says he doesn't want to lose 2 days of skiing.

I don't want DD to feel torn so if he digs heels in should I encourage her to go skiing and accept she won't be there for 50th, or should I say, you go on your holiday and we'll go on ours and she can ski with you another time? (Which will cause explosion).

Ex hasn't booked the holiday - but they can only go one week, during half term!

OP is only offering a holiday that week to make up for not going skiing.

If DD wants to go skiing with her dad it has to be that week, and the party has to happen before or after. The fact ex hasn't booked it yet is irrelevant, in fact I think it's good that he hasn't just gone ahead in order to force the issue and present OP with a fait accompli.

Think you need to re read the post. The OP was going away but has offered to cancel so that she ski trip can go ahead. Her DD herald has said that she wants to be around for her mums birthday.

It's not like the Dad wouldn't know full well what booking a holiday that very week would cause an issue. He can go at Easter or October half term. Why choose that very week!

Somewhat tricky to ski at October half term and Easter snow can be very dicey depending on where you are.

The compromise is party on the Saturday and she flies with her dad and siblings on Sunday

Let her go skiing, encourage her.
Do something special when she gets back, the two of you.

Or another compromise is the party is held on the Friday or indeed a different weekend as there may not be flights available on the Sunday.

He can't just go another time, though. You can't go skiing in October half-term as the resorts aren't even open, and snow at Easter is really dicy - they could fly out to no snow and maybe only a handful of runs open for the entire holiday.

Skiing holidays really need to be between December and mid-March, and as OP's DD is in school, they're limited to either Christmas holidays or February half-term.

@mountainsunsets ok fair enough. I don't know anything about ski holidays and when to go. Just seems strange to book it when you know it's the mums 50th birthday.

All I know is that it seems unfair of dad to put the DD in such a difficult position. I can't get my head around doing that as it's not something I would ever do to my daughter knowing how close she is to her dad. She'd want to be there on his 50th to wake up there and take part in the celebrations.

Each to their own though and I get that other people don't place any significance on birthdays xx

To be fair to him though, he hasn't booked anything yet.

Different people put different emphasis on birthdays - when I was growing up, my parents didn't care about their birthdays and often spent them apart, so my mum wouldn't have been bothered about me being around for a birthday.

OP is obviously a bit different but I do think a party that's not for another six months could be moved to allow the DD to do both.

I doubt the DF did it deliberately or maliciously. It's much more likely he couldn't remember what date his exs birthday was and even if he did, maybe forgot it was her 50th.

I've just booked a long ski weekend coming back on DHs birthday. It wasn't until I went to press the book flight button that I realised- and then still went ahead because there are 3 other people coming and those were the dates we agreed.

Only on mumsnet is the thought of missing skiing absolutely terrible. Does the girl even like skiing? She may not even want to go.

Some kids would jump at the chance of going skiing. It's probably a once in a lifetime opportunity. Maybe she just doesn't want to go and is using your birthday as an excuse. You've obviously given her your blessing to go and told her you can rearrange a celebration of your birthday on her return, so she's no need to feel any guilt. I think there's more to this. Not suggesting anything untoward. Is there another uninvolved adult that can have a chat with her about it perhaps.

If she didn't want to go skiing, it wouldn't be such a difficult decision to make, surely?

Its really not impossible or that difficult.

Why would it be a once in a lifetime opportunity? If it’s something you really want to try it isn’t that difficult to prioritise it for the vast majority of young people.

Yes, I agree, I would rather be with my mum on her birthday than a skiing trip. I think it's a bit of a dick move by the ex.

Ex is being a bit of a dick, he could go sunday to sunday or monday to monday and that wouldn't mean much in terms of missed school.

However I think you've done your daughter a mis-service in allowing her to believe she CAN do both things and everyone will bend over backwards to ensure she does - fine for little kids, but she is 14.

She can do the party then fly out by herself - scary but perfectly safe and do-able IF she wants to.

Do the party and miss the skiing and holiday with you instead.

Miss the party, ski as planned and do something birthdayish with you another time.

I'd tell her you'd rather she went skiing and did something birthdayish with you later on, if you can do so without making her feel she's not wanted at the party of course!

Are you sure you are not underestimating her when you say she won't be able to catch a flight by herself? She will be 14 1/2 by then, and if she's been on a flight once or twice in the recent past she will know what it entails and be more than capable of doing it alone.
Airlines will take her - A friend's 13 year old flew alone this summer, and even had to change planes with a tight turnaround. She was a bit concerned about him making the second leg but he was totally fine and enjoyed it.
It really does seem the most sensible solution- have you discussed it with her?

OK.

You choose between your parents and two special occasions that are at the same time...

This!

She’s going to have to!
Either make the decision for her, or allow her to.
You can’t expect your ex to cut his holiday short for your birthday. And tbh, many places won’t offer a five day package unless he books it himself, and what will likely be significant further cost.

A weeks skiing versus a 50th birthday.

The 50th birthday is only a big deal I’d you make it such.

I will never understand adults who make a fuss over birthdays in the way children do tbh.

Well, it could be any two events.

The child is having to choose from between her parents.

What if it was two different holidays?

But this isn't ANY birthday - it's her mums 50th.....

If it were me she can miss all the less special ones.

But OP needs to make a stand against her ex... It's ONE holiday in the what? 36 holidays someone would have til they're an adult (assuming large holiday and a shorter one annually).

I've lost count of the number of pals who have given into demanding exes - this has never been repaid with any flexibility from the men.

At 14, could she fly out and meet him at the destination airport?