Ex wants to take DD away over my 50th birthday.

[jumpingbean1810]

It's my 50th next Feb half term. I planned to celebrate in uk with friends and family and then go away with DD (14) for remainder of week. I'm a single parent and she's my only child. Ex (married with 2 more children) wants to take them all skiing for the week. I've said I'm happy to cancel going away (nothing booked yet) but DD has said she really wants to be home on my actual bday (monday). I've suggested they therefore go for 5 days instead of 7 days so she can do both and isn't torn between my bday and skiing. He says he doesn't want to lose 2 days of skiing.

I don't want DD to feel torn so if he digs heels in should I encourage her to go skiing and accept she won't be there for 50th, or should I say, you go on your holiday and we'll go on ours and she can ski with you another time? (Which will cause explosion).

Let her go skiing and celebrate before she goes
i appreciate it’s your 50th but she’s a kid, let her ski

Can't she go skiing in the half term week (if she wants to) and then have a special weekend with you at a different time (before or after) to celebrate your special birthday?

Let your daughter decide between the ski trip or staying at home with you

She's 14 that's old enough to know what she wants to do surely.

I think she should go skiing for the full amount of time and then do something special for your birthday if you like when she's back.

She is 14 and has two choices. She has just got to make a choice. Provide her with both options and leave the ball in her court.

I would encourage her to go. FaceTime on the day and celebrate with her, something special for the both of you when she is back

I completely disagree, you are important too OP. She can't go skiing, it's your 50th and she can go skiing another time.

Folks are weird sometimes.

There’s no way of want mone kissing a ski trip for my birthday. I’d encourage skiing and plan something together for your birthday when she comes back

My visitation agreement with exH stipulated that the DCs would always spend a parent's birthday with that parent. If on a weekday this meant exH had dinner with the DCs. If on a weekend the other parent had to just suck it up and lose a weekend visitation day.

You need a more detailed and flexible visitation agreement that emphasises facilitationnof the DD's social life, school related activities, and potential PT job now that your DD is a teenager. There will be a lot more socializing and even a PT job or sports/ clubs to accommodate into the contact.

I recommend you suggest mediation to create an agreement that takes into account the fact that your DD is a teen with reasonable expectations of an active social life (sleepovers, concerts, music festivals, travel abroad for different educational programmes) and a job and weekend extra curricular activities.

You can offer that DD would travel to meet exH to ski - airline staff would be very helpful, or offer to let exH have another week with DD later in the year.

Seems a bit harsh of him to book a holiday over your 50th. He much know he's doing it! I'd never do that to my ExH as I know it would put our daughter in a really difficult position. Can't he go on holiday another time?

Why can’t you celebrate your 50th when she gets back instead?

Most people don’t celebrate on their actual birthday.

She’s feeling guilty which is unfair.

Tell her that she should go for the 7 days and you’re going to plan an adult activity whilst she’s away (so she doesn’t think you’re sat at home alone) and then when she’s back you can celebrate it properly.

Are you having a party?

I would assume lots of your family and friends will be busy or away during the half term anyway.

I completely disagree, you are important too OP. She can't go skiing, it's your 50th and she can go skiing another time.

Folks are weird sometimes.

You’d rather your child misses out on a weeks holiday just because it’s your birthday?

That’s so sad for your child.

I would encourage her to go skiing. You can celebrate your birthday any time.

Yeah it's really selfish. If it was a school trip or her mates would you say she can't go?

Surely your birthday can be celebrated at an earlier/later time? Do something for yourself on the actual day, and have another fun day with your DD when she is home.

I think you should encourage her to go on the ski trip and do a special trip with her over Easter instead.
Ski trips can't easily be changed from a week and she might really enjoy it.

Your DD has two options:

1. Go on holiday with her dad for the whole week and miss being with you on your actual birthday, but obviously you can celebrate your birthday together however you want at some point before/after her holiday away.

2. Be with you on your actual birthday but miss out on the ski trip in its entirety but you and DD can then go on whatever trip you wish to and she can see her dad before/after his holiday away.

At 14, she is old enough to know that she can't do both things and everyone else can't be expected to change their plans to accommodate her wanting to do both things. She has to make a decision based on what she wants to do, and whichever choice she makes you have to respect and support her decision.

For those suggesting she joins the skiiing later, you need to know that very few airlines will take under 16s now. There are exceptions (eg LoganAir), but most will not.

Thanks, thats v interesting. I do think because his other children are much younger he feels she should just do as she's told, but agree with you as she gets older alternate weekends will get harder. We've never had a formal agreement in place and always managed things amicably (most of the time) but perhaps as she becomes older and more independent we'll need to approach things a bit differently.

If she wants to go skiing I would let her go skiing. I don’t think you need to celebrate your birthday on the actual day. It’s just a day

Plan a special birthday weekend before or after she goes. We often move birthday celebrations around to make them more convenient.

You can celebrate turning 50 with your DD anytime either side of the actual official birthday date.

Plan something for the two of you for later in the year or the weekend after the ski trip, so she knows she's not missing the celebrations part.

Madness to miss an offer of a skiing holiday over this.

She goes for the week or not at all. She’s 14, up to her. I’d definitely encourage her to go though

I'd also let her enjoy the skiing holiday and celebrate your birthday with her on another day.

But, I also agree with the poster who says that you and her Dad need to discuss more flexible contact time now that she's older. My two (17 and 14) often have alot of activities over the weekend..

For example, my DS (just 14) said a few weeks ago that he wanted to find a
p-t job like his sister and has just got one (3 hours/week on a Saturday)!
We haven't encouraged him to start working so young, but he sees his sister earning and wants to do the same!

I do find it incredibly selfish as a parent to ask or expect their child to miss out on a holiday simply for a birthday.