Ex wants to take DD away over my 50th birthday.

[jumpingbean1810]

It's my 50th next Feb half term. I planned to celebrate in uk with friends and family and then go away with DD (14) for remainder of week. I'm a single parent and she's my only child. Ex (married with 2 more children) wants to take them all skiing for the week. I've said I'm happy to cancel going away (nothing booked yet) but DD has said she really wants to be home on my actual bday (monday). I've suggested they therefore go for 5 days instead of 7 days so she can do both and isn't torn between my bday and skiing. He says he doesn't want to lose 2 days of skiing.

I don't want DD to feel torn so if he digs heels in should I encourage her to go skiing and accept she won't be there for 50th, or should I say, you go on your holiday and we'll go on ours and she can ski with you another time? (Which will cause explosion).

Oh dear - poor DD.

Leaving aside whether your ex is being a dick or not, OP, I'd absolutely encourage her to go, and promise that you'll mark your birthday when she returns. After all, a parent's birthday isn't that big a deal. It will seem a much bigger deal to your DD if she gets even the faintest hint that you're bothered by her absence.

I've been in the same situation, btw, and my youngest DC (also a DD) was away on my 50th birthday. She was tying herself in knots about it, and it really did help that I positively encouraged her to go. We then had a lovely little celebration for just the two of us when she came back (I wouldn't have bothered as I hate a fuss - but she wanted to do something special, so we did).

I think YABU and agree with HundredMilesAnHour:

You'll be 50 not 5. You don't have to celebrate with her on the actual day. Let her go skiing and plan something to celebrate with her when she's back.

Ah I see. That changes how I feel about it apologies. What would the contact pattern usually be? I'd stick to that if it's going to cause arguments

I wouldn’t put her in the position to have to choose….tell her to go on the ski holiday and you’ll celebrate your birthday when she gets back. Who wants to miss out on a ski holiday?! She just feels bad and doesn’t want you on your own on your birthday

What’s most important:

• you have a party on your birthday regardless of whether she can attend
• You have a party on a date she can attend (eg the weekend before or after your birthday) and still go skiing
• you have a special celebration with her in the week of your birthday but it means she can’t ski
• you have a special celebration with her but at another time so that she can go skiing

I’d try and let her go skiing and arrange the celebrations around that on dates she can join in. But having the celebrations on the actual day of my birthday etc isn’t a big deal for me. Others will no doubt disagree.

You’ve had 49 other birthdays after all…

If your birthday falls on a Monday, will you be having the party on that day?
If not, then you can have it on any day, so choose a different weekend when she's with you. I take it half term falls on his time? That way she'll get to do both.

Her big birthday 🤣🤣🤣🤣

She can decide at that age. It's a big milestone and she's your only child so that trumps his holiday.

You should encourage your daughter to go for the full holiday.

Reassure her that you guys will absolutely celebrate properly with her there before or after and you guys can video call on the day.

Don't make the 14yo choose between her parents.

Just do all the celebrating when she’s with you, I have no idea if my son was with me on my actual 40th (it was only last year) - it’s like people who get so hung up on Christmas being the 25th - it can be anyday!

She’s 14, I’d tell her I wanted her to go and have fun skiing and celebrate with her before or after.
let her think your totally happy with it so she can enjoy herself without feeling bad.

No it doesn't. It's not about OP.

I know right she's 50 not 18.

I agree with this. I was 14 when my parents broke up and the guilt of having to choose doing something with one of them over the other was awful. Don't make her choose, make the decision for her if you're happy for her to go skiing with exH.

Came on to say this!

It's really not worth a family bust up over and you will teach her the value of a sensible compromise.

It is a big birthday! I turned 40 recently and would have been absolutely gutted to not have my daughter there! I don't understand people saying otherwise. He can go on holiday many many other times during the school holidays.

Honestly, as an adult, you need to stop obsessing over big birthdays! It's usually aimed at young people growing up and hitting certain milestones. Adults it's more, well done on making it this far. That's any age in my book! Enjoy all your birthdays!

It's your birthday, a really special one, why are you cancelling? He can ski anytime - put your foot down and stop being a doormat OP, have a great time!

If your birthday is Monday surely you would be planning a celebration on the weekend before or after. Can you DD not therefore do both your celebration and the holiday?

OP shouldn't make the 14y choose between parents.

Sounds like 14yo is just seeking permission the be away on the day from her mum basically... without saying it directly. And asa 49yo you'd hope they'd be sensible enough to not out this pressure on a child.

But she clearly can't choose, can she?

She is asking her Mum to give her blessing for her to be away on her mum's 50th..

And OP should give it!

Encourage her to go. Skiing will be great fun for her and you can do something with her on her return so she doesn't miss out.

If it was another holiday I'd say they should be flexible. But the vast majority of skiing holiday packages are Saturday to saturday and its not feasible financially or even logistically to go on different dates (eg flights dont do those routes on other dates, transfers are mega expensive etc).

So I'd tell her to go, do something fun with friends while she is away and celebrate with her when she is back

'He can ski anytime'...this is one holiday you cant ski anytime. If you have kids, its February half term for guaranteed snow. Or nothing.

What will happen if she refuses is he is likely to take her step siblings and will be left out