Ex wants to take DD away over my 50th birthday.

[jumpingbean1810]

It's my 50th next Feb half term. I planned to celebrate in uk with friends and family and then go away with DD (14) for remainder of week. I'm a single parent and she's my only child. Ex (married with 2 more children) wants to take them all skiing for the week. I've said I'm happy to cancel going away (nothing booked yet) but DD has said she really wants to be home on my actual bday (monday). I've suggested they therefore go for 5 days instead of 7 days so she can do both and isn't torn between my bday and skiing. He says he doesn't want to lose 2 days of skiing.

I don't want DD to feel torn so if he digs heels in should I encourage her to go skiing and accept she won't be there for 50th, or should I say, you go on your holiday and we'll go on ours and she can ski with you another time? (Which will cause explosion).

Your ex is being awkward. The ski trip isn't even booked. Continue with your original plan. Stop putting ex first and stop being a martyr. Celebrate your birthday with DD and then go on the trip you had planned for you both. There will be other ski trips. There won't be another 50th birthday. Have fun and have a happy birthday

That's no something the OP should care about.

At 14 she just needs to choose. Clashing schedules is a normal life event. It's not dramatic, it's not traumatic its just something she needs to crack on with.

It’s really not the end of the world if she misses your party or if she misses the ski trip.

Both parents need to understand this also. Both parents need to tell her the options and let her decided. No one should be trying to make this hard or guilt tripping the DD.

It shouldn’t be this complicated or difficult.

Not sure that a ski holiday with dad beats big family party & going abroad with mum.

It would have when I was 14, but I suppose we're all different.

Is the daughter flying there on her own really out of the question and being met at the airport really out of the question? 14 is that young.

*isn't that young!

So he hasn't booked anything yet?
You need to explain to dd that it's either one or the other. Then depending on which she chooses either carry on with your plan of party and going away or change the date of your party so she can go away with dad but not miss your big family get together.

*That's no something the OP should care about.

At 14 she just needs to choose. Clashing schedules is a normal life event. It's not dramatic, it's not traumatic its just something she needs to crack on with*

I agree tbh, just thought if Op was desperate for her to go to both, she could potentially move the party. But I don't think the ski trip needs to be cut short.

Sounds like 14yo is just seeking permission the be away on the day from her mum basically... without saying it directly. And asa 49yo you'd hope they'd be sensible enough to not out this pressure on a child

That's my interpretation, too.

Honestly I think you're being a bit precious about this.

I missed everything related to my 50th - party, trips away, special evening's out planned - because of lockdown. Couldn't even enjoy my birthday takeaway as lost appetite probably because of covid.

Sure the ex husband is being a bit of an arse but just organise the party- which is after all 6 months away- on a different weekend, celebrate with your friends and book a holiday at a different time with DD.

Just ask your daughter, she's 14, not 4 - tell her exactly what you've written here, about your plans as well as his, and let her decide what she wants to do. If it's just about the holiday with you then she'll be ok with you changing the dates to another week; if it's because she wants to be with you on your birthday day then just do what you planned and book it.

There will be many other holidays during her life, and the dad is being a bit awkward if he hasn't even booked his yet but he's stipulating days - it's not a holiday until it's booked, so he can't do that.

Presumably the OPs holiday also has to take place during half-term. She could change the party to the following Saturday (depending on what has already been booked) but she can’t just take DD away a different week.

She can take her away at Easter or Summer.

Or exDH could book his holiday Sun - Sun, meaning DD could attend the party before they go away.

I'd have a birthday celebration before she goes or after she gets back and encourage her to go skiing.
But then, for people like me skiing in a foreign country is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

This, basically.
Neither of you are wrong - you both have reasons to not want to amend your plans. Yes ideally ex-dp could shorten his holiday - but from his point of view this is inconveniencing him, his current partner, their 2 kids, and possibly the people they are staying with, all to benefit you, someone whom (without being rude), I doubt the other people involved are that bothered about.

YAB a bit unreasonable to be so hung up on celebrating on the actual day of your birthday - you've made a big deal out of already agreeing to postpone your holiday but that's not that big an ask, really, is it? Surely loads of people don't do the big celebration, whether its a party or holiday, on their actual birthday - whether it's because they postpone it until the weekend, or do a joint celebration with someone else, or have the holiday later in the year when the weather's better, or when they can get time off, or, as millions had to, postpone for months/years because of Covid. I remember my mother's 50th she had so many different plans with different people she didn't finish her celebrations until she was a few days from turning 51! As long as you do something on your actual birthday (and if dd is away that's a great opportunity to have a boozy, child free celebration with mates?) then you can have your party the weekend before/after, and a holiday in Easter/Summer, and lucky dd gets 2 holidays.

Basically dd needs to make the decision, and you and her df need to make it clear that neither of you will be upset whatever she decides.

I’m surprised at most of the responses you’re getting OP. Birthdays mean a lot to me too and I’d be pretty upset not to have my dd there at a milestone one. Your xdh is being a bit shitty really. He’s obviously aware of when your birthday is and hasn’t even booked anything yet. The decent thing for him to do after you’d mentioned taking your dd away for your birthday was to just say have a great time and not say anything about skiing.

And just to check on that, are you then saying the exh shouldn't go on a ski trip at all , or you feel it's better that he takes his new family away without even asking his DD?

Celebrate when she gets back, no big deal.

At age 14 she is old enough to be presented with the two options and choose herself which she wants to do (three options if you include her travelling alone later).
Both parents should be gracious enough to accept her choice. It sounds as though she's been clear that she wants to be with you. Why will that cause an explosion, is your ex difficult?

Sounds like ex is deliberately being an arse. He hadn't even booked the holiday but only mentioned it when you told him you were taking your daughter away for a few days.

Similar thing happened to my friend for her 50th and she gave in because she's too bloody nice and always puts herself last. It was a huge party with family and friends but the two missing children were noticeably absent and it definitely put a slight dampener on the day for my friend. (I still feel the rage thinking about it now as she's just the loveliest person.)

Fifty is a huge milestone birthday and if you let him get away with shitting on your parade, it could annoy you for years to come. If your daughter definitely wants to stay and attend your b'day party, tell him on this occasion, he's the one who needs to compromise.

I’m not saying he shouldn’t go. This happens when families split up - it’s not always possible for all children to do everything all the time. And I speak as a child of divorced parents.

So @EyeSpyPlumPie you feel it better that the 14 year old not be invited, rather than make the decision herself about which event to choose?
Seems like the DF can't win, I bet he'd get called a bad father if he chose to take his new family skiing without even asking DD.

I think your DD probably does need to choose and at 14 I don’t think you’re doing her any favours by “protecting her” from that choice. Expecting 4 other people, including 2 other children, to loose 2 days of holiday so she doesn’t have to choose is putting her way ahead of everyone else. And that’s unreasonable.

There may be some way to put her on a plane after your birthday, but if not just have a chat with her. Remind her there will be other opportunities to spend time with you doing something special or to go on holiday with her DF and family. To have a big family get together and to go skiing. She doesn’t loose out forever just because she doesn’t do something in that half term holiday. Tell her you and Ex understand that choices are difficult and that neither of you will think it’s a slight if she chooses the other (I hope that bit’s true) then ask her what she’d like the most.

You’re asking a 14 year old to make an impossible choice. Her mum’s 50th with a trip abroad or skiing with her Dad. Dad hasn’t even booked anything just mooted it.

Do something else with her when she's back?