Ex wants to take DD away over my 50th birthday.

[jumpingbean1810]

It's my 50th next Feb half term. I planned to celebrate in uk with friends and family and then go away with DD (14) for remainder of week. I'm a single parent and she's my only child. Ex (married with 2 more children) wants to take them all skiing for the week. I've said I'm happy to cancel going away (nothing booked yet) but DD has said she really wants to be home on my actual bday (monday). I've suggested they therefore go for 5 days instead of 7 days so she can do both and isn't torn between my bday and skiing. He says he doesn't want to lose 2 days of skiing.

I don't want DD to feel torn so if he digs heels in should I encourage her to go skiing and accept she won't be there for 50th, or should I say, you go on your holiday and we'll go on ours and she can ski with you another time? (Which will cause explosion).

I’d leave the decision up to dd. She’s 14 so would know what she wants. I’d assume she’d be babysitting the younger dc on holiday. Surely your ex would’ve know it was your birthday? Or is this why he’s an ex?
Then again I think skiing is wank 😳

@Sometimeswinning each to their own I guess but that's really not how we do it. Just before mine was her dads 40th and there is no WAY I'd have booked a holiday at that time as I know full well he'd want to spend it with her. That's what families who love each other do! Honestly sometimes I feel like Mumsnet is a whole different planet!!!

Most people aren’t ‘families who love each other’ with their ex.

Not sure that a ski holiday with dad beats big family party & going abroad with mum. If it was just a meal out then that’s different.

Presumably if DD doesn’t go skiing, then OP will go back to her original plan of taking DD away herself. Maybe DD would prefer a bit of winter Sun by a pool somewhere.

@Trytoavoidthebastardbus I'm not talking about us all being together. I'm talking about my daughter being with her dad on his birthday. I wasn't there (thank god) but I know for sure that he'd have been gutted not to see her and she'd have been the same!

This could work.

We are big on birthdays in our house but even I wouldn't want my DCs to miss out going on a holiday for my birthday. Organise something lovely for the 2 of you before or after.

Due to the changes in travel restrictions my DCs were going to fly to a different airport for skiing and a lot of airlines don't do unaccompanied minors any more so her going alone isn't an option. Also OP has already said she wouldn't be confident enough.

Why would she be babysitting the younger ones? That’s a leap.

So your ex didn't mention the ski trip until after you said you were taking DD away for your birthday? Hmm.
I don't think a ski trip is automatically more important than a holiday with you. At that age, I'd have preffered a weekend break with my DM to a week skiing with DH, even if it wasn't my DM's birthday.

At 14 ds made his own decisions on when he wanted to stay at his dad's or if he wanted to be at home with me.

Celebrate the weekend before your Monday birthday and let your daughter have a full week of skiing too.

Shouldn't even be a question. Kid goes on trip and birthday celebrations postponed a week or so. There is absolutely no need for the teen to have to be there on the day of the birthday. Who expects that, really?

Were you thinking of having some kind of birthday party with more people?
In which case, surely you would plan for that to take place on the Fri/Sat evenings either before or after, rather than on a Monday night that falls within half term week (when other people may well be away with their school-aged children)? So your DD could be that party, and go ski-ing for a full week, and you could find something nice to do on the Big Day itself?

If DD wants to go skiing, just celebrate your birthday before or after. Not worth getting into conflict about imo.

If she wants to go away with you instead as planned then let ex know this.

Personally, I would have a pre-celebration with my daughter before she left with her dad (and before my birthday). I would love to celebrate first with her and start off the 'birthday week'. That way she can go away having already had a special day with you. But that's just me.

I don't think your ex is doing anything wrong here, his reasons for the trip to be when it is and how long it is are fair.

I think if your DD wants to do both she needs to just celebrate your birthday with you a couple of days early. It's not something that need be changed.

Agree. This will leave everyone on a high note.

Making her responsible for her mum having a good 50th is way too much pressure for a young girl. Don't make a big deal of it.

To be honest I was a lot closer to my mum than Dad. They were divorced and would've easily chosen to wake up with her on her birthday than go skiing with him.

If this is what the teen wants then he has to accept that.

However, this child is being pulled in two directions.

Amazing Holiday with Dad or Amazing Birthday celebrations with Mum?

Why shoulda 14yo have to be the one to bear the 'burden of choosing between her parents?

The adults here should make the diecsion easy by her Mum saying to her "Go on the pre-booked unmovable holiday and have an amazing time, and we'll have an amazing time before/after that... have fun and don't worry about me. I can't wait to celebrate with you on X date!"

Sounds like a big party is planned and she's got FOMO as opposed to wanting to spend your 50th with you specifically

I think she should go skiing as her dad is restricted when It comes to the dates which isn't his fault.

Do something with her for your birthday before or after the trip instead. A week of skiing is much more enjoyable for a 14yo than a 50th birthday party with all your friends!

Exactly this, most people have missed the part in OP where I said I was planning on going away with DD so she wouldn't be missing out on a holiday if she didn't go skiing, we woukd still go away. He hasn't booked ski trip yet but because I didn't want DD to feel conflicted and have to choose between holidays/parents, I said we could go away another time and she should go skiing but then she said she didn't want to miss out on celebrating (party Sat before bday). He wants to go away Saturday to Saturday so she'd miss that so I asked if he could delay by a couple of days so she could do both. To which he said he didn't want to reduce their ski time (no flights booked yet). I feel like I'm trying to accommodate him and daughter, I've already sacrificed going away myself so a bit of flex on departure date (assuming flights available) doesn't seem that unreasonable. Its just one day less on the slopes.

I would encourage her to go on the skiing trip for the full seven days and enjoy herself.

She's getting too hung up about being there on the actual day of your birthday, and she's probably only hung up on it because she thinks you will be hurt. From the tone of your post, I think she'll have picked up on the whole 'she's only daughter, it's my 50th...' thing from you and feels guilty as a result.

Make it clear to her that you do not mind in the slightest if she isn't there, and that you can celebrate with her as soon she gets back, and that you want her to enjoy a week of skiing with her dad and her siblings. She's 14; she's going to get a lot more out a skiiing holiday than a middle-aged birthday party.

I feel like I'm trying to accommodate him and daughter, I've already sacrificed going away myself so a bit of flex on departure date (assuming flights available) doesn't seem that unreasonable. Its just one day less on the slopes.

That's quite a big ask though, a week on holiday flies by and it impacts the whole family. If she was so desperate to go to your party, couldn't you move the date? How much can be planned this far in advance?