Work full time with teens?

[HappyKoala56]

AIBU to consider a full time job with a teen and pre-teen (13 and 11)? How do other ft working parents manage with kids of these sort of ages? They are ok to stay home on their own for short times and neither are anxious with this, but it would mean 2 hours on their own after school until I get home which feels like a lot. And then what do I do in school holidays? It's a long time to be by themselves, but they don't appreciate all day clubs. I feel stuck in this middle ground of they are too old for childcare but too young for prolonged periods on their own. What does everyone do?
For context I don't HAVE to work ft, hence why I'm not sure if iabu. I have my own business and work part time currently, but I have put all career progression on hold for the past 14 years to be around for the kids and I'm eager to get back on working on myself. Do I leave it another year or 2?
YABU - stay home longer
YANBU - go get that job!

@poster82

My DC definitely cost more than they did as toddlers, even allowing for childcare.

My eldest was 4 when I had my youngest, so started school & I was on maternity leave for nearly a year, so almost no childcare costs.

Then I had a baby in creche & a toddler in preschool & older child in after school - and that was costly. But it was nearly the only cost.

Meal were provided, so small snack / tea at home. Clothes cheap to buy. No activities except perhaps swimming.

I appreciate costs for teens can be described as discretionary but they're not necessarily unless they do nothing - sports, gear, opportunities & trips, and Oh. My. God, food.

I'm really struggling to be honest.

Worked FT since they were babies. Mine are the same age as the op's now. Ds has been happy staying home alone for a couple of years. He's been home alone at least 2 hours after school. Mainly because other people's children wouldn't get intervention etc if I were to leave work at 3.

Having older kids is brilliant. I don't need to worry about childcare. Ever. They can make their own breakfast and lunch. They can call in the shop on the way home and pick things up. They leave me alone in the evenings, so I can mark in peace. They don't get up at 6am at weekends anymore.

@EarringsandLipstick so average full time childcare for under 3s several years ago when mine were in was around £35 a day, you're telling me you're paying more than £700 a month for each of your teenagers? You're not, and if you were, much of it would be entirely discretionary.

@EarringsandLipstick

I know it’s what you said. I was agreeing with you that it’s silly to say teens need parental supervision more than toddlers and regardless of that it is stil tiring being a parent to teens/preteens too. We too are out a lot - however one pro to having older kids is sometimes it’s possible to make carpools etc for certain activities. My son gets a ride to karate regularly with a friend and I look after that friend while his mum works some weekends to sort of make it up. Whereas with toddlers that’s just often not possible.

Last year we were paying £70 a day for the 2 year old and £21 a day for wraparound for the 5 year old. I really can't see how they can possibly cost more as teenagers

But I do disagree that teens aren’t expensive - mine cost a fortune and they’re preteens😢 when they were small activities were cheaper but now there’s uniforms and equipment for their activities, exams, travel for comps… and of course the classes themselves, which were once a week when small, can be several times a week if they want to compete or be graded to a high level.

Although I never had to pay full time nursery fees! So that made a difference of course.

It's really annoying when a) someone flatly tells you are wrong about your own lived reality and b( doesn't read your post properly.

To address b, it's discretionary in the sense that my DC don't have to play sport or have any hobbies, can say no to all school extra-curricular activity and eat basic food that keeps them alive with nothing extra.

But that's not either a great way to live or fair. Obviously people make their own choices but like many I'm trying to give them what they need, without spoiling them (there's a lot that they can't have).

Take food. I spend about €250 (£220 Sterling) a week on groceries. When they were 5, 3 & 1 I spent about €100 (£88 Sterling). That's an increase of c€650 month on food alone.

I have just spent just under €2000 sending my second child into his first year in secondary (an ordinary secondary school, not fee paying). I spent maybe €200 for any one child, tops, when they were at primary school.

Regarding childcare, yes, it was at its most expensive, huge at about €2000 per month But if you start to break down all the costs I have now, it is easily surpassed especially as that cost wasn't an ongoing one ie, it peaked & then reduced as they went to school. Once they were all in school I paid €800 ish a month, maybe a bit more or less. Yes they cost me more than that now!

@Kanaloa no one is saying teens aren't expensive, and I don't want to derail the thread although it has only proved my point at how much MN loves to gleefully tell mums of younger kids how much harder the teen years are, but children who need 24/7 care are more expensive, unless you have genuinely free childcare like grandparents you are paying for childcare or reducing your income to do it yourself, both are a cost. This is a NEED, teen clubs, tech and branded clothes are actually a want despite what some people think and there are means to do those things cheaper, not usually an option for childcare.

Such a judgemental comment. When my first two dc were young, my dh did very little child rearing. He was out 5:45am-21:00 5 days a week and worked a fair bit in the weekend. He also traveled 1 week in 4 and took calls during our holidays. He also earned 7 figures so guess what? I wasn't complaining. When number 3 dc was born he decided to change direction. He now works from home in a less demanding role and shares the care for dc3. He is a fantastic dad to dc 1&2 who are men in their late 20s who contact him for all sorts of chats. They actually communicate with him more than they do me.

I am just starting full time work as we need the money. My DC 13 & 14 are fine left alone, it can be a few hours or nothing depending on where DH is working. Teens do need you but in a different way. I finish work at 8pm and if my dd needs to talk to me, I just accept I won't be going to bed so early. They would phone me in an emergency and I would ask my parents to go around or, if needed I would have to leave work.

Teens are no where near as tiring or expensive, I ensure I check in with them regularly. They don't cook yet if alone but can access snacks
When my DC finish school I don't really see them until dinner time. It is hard trying to do it all, but, compromise is needed. I also believe it's good for them to problem solve and not have me around all the time

If you don't have to work and are happy not to then don't.
Teenagers benefit from your presence at home just as much as little children. You can be there to help or supervise homework, ferry them to friends and activities if you live somewhere like me with no public transport. Life is easier if you are not trying to juggle everything round work and they won't be at home that much longer.
On the other hand if you need the money or want to do it they will manage.

I worked two days a week and had school holidays off which worked well.

With 2 toddlers I basically never stopped until they were in bed. And the oldest didn't sleep through until nearly 4, so that was exhausting. Granted they were in bed at 7.30pm, so could sit down then.

With 2 teens, I have huge swathes of time to myself, often with the teens not even in the house. Yes, you end up playing taxi driver, but the teens also have the ability to take themselves places, and there is a lot more lift sharing with other parents. The hard bit is the emotional aspect. Not being able to explain "why" to everything your 2 year old asks will not have a lasting impact on their life. Dealing with some of the decisions/experiences of a teen absolutely does.

I agree that those who think that teens are more expensive cannot have had childcare costs. Childcare for 2 toddlers was basically equivalent to my salary (yes, we paid it from a joint account, before I get jumped on) and we had to dip into savings for anything resembling a non essential.

I know what you mean, sorry, I thought you didn't realise I did!

I don't find I can car pool - I've 3 DC, they all do different activities in different places, so even if I organise a lift for one, I'll have the other 2 ... but I get the point.

For me, it's way more tiring than when they were younger. But also lovely as they get more independent, better able to relate to me etc.

@EarringsandLipstick you're not understanding needs and wants, you are choosing to kit your kid out to that extent and spend that much, you do not get to choose whether your young child is looked after unless you want social services involved.

Let me rephrase, young children's NEEDs are more expensive than teenagers, most of the time. And it sounds like yours are no different.

If you suddenly found yourself in financial dire straits you would cut your cloth, even if it wasn't very nice for the teens, if they were younger choosing to stop paying childcare or stop working is a less viable option.

MN loves to gleefully tell mums of younger kids how much harder the teen years are,

That's really unfair.

You're putting that out of of context. In relation to the OP's question & needs of kids, some of us think it can be harder (others don't).

That's not to say I believe having a newborn is a walk in the park, and a stripy teen is harder, not at all!

Each stage has its own demands. Some of us find different stages easier or harder. For example, my DC slept relatively well. If they didn't, I'm sure that would have been the hardest stage.

I'm a single parent with little support, so I guess I find fielding all my DC's emotional needs harder, than maybe someone with a supportive partner and extended family around.

teen clubs, tech and branded clothes are actually a want

Yes but a 'want' that's very hard to reject entirely unless you really aren't interested in your DC's emotional needs & friendship requirements. Branded clothes - absolutely (my DC know they need to use birthday & Christmas money for that kind of thing & do so happily). But I've 3 sporty teens & I do everything I can to support that. Tech is linked to Christmas & birthday too but it's still v hard to avoid it.

If you don't have to work and are happy not to then don't.

This is a genuine question but what do people do during the day while teens are at school? I mean I know you can catch up on housework, do your own thing with friends, but I'd feel like it was a long day till 430 or whatever & kids were back home?

@EarringsandLipstick that doesn't change it from being a want though, no matter how much I understand the desire to want your kids to be happy and to fit in. It doesn't change the fact a hobby is discretionary over literally having someone keep your alive!

I agree that those who think that teens are more expensive cannot have had childcare costs.

I absolutely did have childcare costs, paid only by me!
Read my post for why it costs more now!

you're not understanding needs and wants, you are choosing to kit your kid out to that extent and spend that much,

You're either goady AF or uncomprehending.

I've explained the needs / wants thing. I'm not sure if you have teens yet? If not, you'll realise that those 'wants' are not as easily dismissed - very few teens manage successfully with no phone, no activities / hobbies or no extra-curricular trips.

And if you've a child who has a particular interest or aptitude, you'll find that you'll want to do all you can to support that.

My DC are not indulged or spoilt. I have quite a good job but a feckless ex (who I'm going to court against for suitable maintenance, an in Ireland ie no CMS), and so it's a struggle to do my best for my DC

I rarely get personally exercised by comments on MN but yours have really got to me - so unthinking & judgmental.

If you suddenly found yourself in financial dire straits you would cut your cloth,

Once more, the additional food costs I have are almost the same as what I paid in childcare. Food isn't optional.

The cost of secondary school in this
country is vastly more than what I paid in primary. That is also not optional.

You have no clue

🙄

It really does.

As I said, the essentials of teen life cost more than what I paid as childcare in their younger years.
As much as you argue they are 'wants', in any basic way of living, they are really not. Very very few people, of any income levels, believe that literally keeping them alive equates to successful parenting.

@EarringsandLipstick you said you paid €2000 at most in childcare at the most and now you pay €250 a week, that doesn't add up to being more as you're now claiming?

And yes I do which is why I get so infuriated by comments like yours, and they are SO out of touch with the current situation. You're obviously doing very well as a single mum with 3 kids and working, I really do commend you. But I do not agree with you that you are an example of teens NEEDING to cost more than small children. You are choosing to spend more.

The cost of secondary school in this country is vastly more than what I paid in primary. That is also not optional

I'm talking pre schoolers prior to funded childcare/education, not primary school. Yes my high schooler costs more than primary school kid despite needing childcare for the latter (but again it is discretionary, and yes I do class his hobbies as discretionary, if my energy bills were to go up to £7000, hobbies would be reviewed! My youngest's childcare would not, I need to go to work)