Work full time with teens?

[HappyKoala56]

AIBU to consider a full time job with a teen and pre-teen (13 and 11)? How do other ft working parents manage with kids of these sort of ages? They are ok to stay home on their own for short times and neither are anxious with this, but it would mean 2 hours on their own after school until I get home which feels like a lot. And then what do I do in school holidays? It's a long time to be by themselves, but they don't appreciate all day clubs. I feel stuck in this middle ground of they are too old for childcare but too young for prolonged periods on their own. What does everyone do?
For context I don't HAVE to work ft, hence why I'm not sure if iabu. I have my own business and work part time currently, but I have put all career progression on hold for the past 14 years to be around for the kids and I'm eager to get back on working on myself. Do I leave it another year or 2?
YABU - stay home longer
YANBU - go get that job!

The boat:
Will respond, just off to Church.

But toddlers need an adult present 24/7. Teens can leave the house alone, be in the house alone etc. Obviously teens have issues and need supporting but they don't include needing 24/7 adult supervision which prevents you from working full-time surely?

I don’t think hastings was using her post to suggest you shouldn’t work FT, I think she was explaining what is hard about being a parent of a teen. I thought it was a great post (and for context, I work FT plus hours in a
very busy job, wish I didn’t but it’s financial). I think different things are hard at each stage. And the phrase ‘bigger kids, bigger problems’ certainly rings true for me. I have 3 teens and they’re great, but dealing with friendship issues, drug use, mental health, CAMHS, suicidal thoughts and anti depressants, teens who are worried and anxious because they don’t know which college course to go for, lockdown… All these things have been hard in a different way than the exhausting physical demands of looking after babies and toddlers who need to be watched constantly. For myself, it probably would have been easier to do this if I’d had the luxury of working PT. But I’m not implying you can’t or shouldn’t work FT - everyone is different. In particular I think a job that is truly 9-5 would certainly be manageable.

I went back full time when mine were that age, absolutely no problems and the right thing to do for us. They'll be fine! I love it, we all have independence and we have extra money

Hastingsontheup I have 3 teens and know that the toddler years were harder.

My third child didn't sleep through until he was three years old (took hour to fall asleep and woke every 90 minutes to, if it was a very good night, 3 hours) due to sensory issues. In the day he had no fear and climbed everything almost compulsively He still has some issues and needs more support (dyslexia, some social issues, nreds a lot of talks especially at bedtime) but he was definitely harder as a toddler. I had five year old and a 3 year old when he was born, so no daytime naps - we were sleep deprived for his whole toddlerhood. Now we sleep at night.

My eldest needs picking up from parties at 2am etc. and all three play football plus one does another sport too - training twice per week for each and a match each a lot of weekends - obviously all on different teams, different locations, different times. We car pool for matches (have to anyway - more kids than parents) and they cycle to training (7km each way for one kid, but he's the one who prefers to cycle even if offered a lift, 4km each way the other two).

Talking happens mostly while doing other things. Obviously they need guidance (relationship, career, school) and guidance around plus the offer of accompanying to medical and dental appointments but not supervision as such.

They also help each other with some things.

They can cook and clean (we all clean together once per week- they didn't like having a cleaner coming into "their" space so they are on board more or less) do laundry and buy their own clothes (with an allowance from us and in one case also part time job money) and obviously can be home alone- one babysits for other people for money and has sole charge of small children so had better be able to!

They cost money in driving lessons and orthodontics (braces) and their allowances and fuel to drive them around and insure them on vehicles as well as obviously food and electricity but their hobbies don't actually cost a fortune and it's good for them to have part time jobs and learn to budget. Its still less than full time childcare for three preschool children (though I didn't work full time when they were all small).

As we've never had family near by we had to pay someone to pick the youngest up from after school care when I went full time as it closed at exactly the time I finished work, and both of us were in non flexible roles back then. With teens they can get themselves home and stay home alone.

SynchOrSwim, I do work ft but I work hybrid so at the moment I am in when they both get home which has been useful this week as my youngest is only 11 and has started year 7. I was answering your question about what is harder. I don't think it is harder but it is certainly comparable and I personally feel I would be letting my DC down if I thought their need for parental input ends once they start secondary school. I suppose like toddlers it depends what their personalities are like- my eldest is very sociable and was like that in the park as a pre-schooler so last night for instance we expect him back at night but he texts to say staying at friend's house, you don't know the parents at this age so you are just having to trust they will be there and are good with it. Other worries include boys my DS age being mugged, beaten up for mobile phone etc. Will they drink alcohol, will they be sick on it and be safe..you have to trust you have brought them up to make sensible decisions but they are impulsive and it is worry inducing that for me exceeds challenges of a tantrumming toddler! My DS is a top group kind of kid academically as well so he is bright and on a whole does not make silly decisions but the out and about at night as one of the biggest worries I have experienced in his childhood.

Teens need A LOT of input, far more than younger children and the stakes are much much higher.

If I had the choice, I would stay PT as long as you can until they are at uni.
I was a teen left to my own devises by parents that worked long hours, and I got into a lot of trouble - much of which could and would have been avoided if there had been an adult around. I am now seeing this from the parents angle, and it is even more worrying!

Teens really need their parents. Put your kids first, get them through this tricky patch and then you will have all the time in the world. It is incredible how fast they grow up and move away. So make the most of them now!

I am a secondary teacher so very aware of the issues that teens face. It also means I am lucky enough to be around during the holidays. But I'm not sure why the issues they face mean that parents need to be at home when the teens themselves are at school all day.

My eldest has just started y7. I am very vigilant about screen time, phone use, and sport and other extra curricular activities being important. We sit around the table together twice a day for breakfast and dinner every day with few exceptions. Im able to do this whilst still working ft as I always have.

Teens really need their parents. Put your kids first

My teens needed food on the table and a roof over their heads. I put them first by going out to work every day.

Yes but an 11 year old that is still very much mouldable and is expected to a large extent to follow instruction, it is very different to living with and guiding someone entering young adulthood, with their own opinions and ideas on how to live!

I don't think you can't work full time though, I do.

We can't afford not to work full time due to corresponding costs that come with bringing up teenagers.

@Hastingsontheup I found your post genuinely helpful but since you asked for a reminder of life with toddlers..

This morning my 3 year old woke up at 3:30 am, demanded to sleep with me which he does horizontally while kicking me in his sleep, I finally got to sleep around 4:30. My 5 year old then woke me at 5am because he had wet the bed, I got back to sleep for 5:30. My 5 year old then woke me up at 6 to start the day. Both kids full of beans so had to take them to the park at 8.

In an average month, I get maybe 4 hours without either the children or work. With teens, at least you can go out for a walk or exercise or whatever without childcare.

I don't think anyone is saying that teens don't require input, there is just a bit of scepticism that the after school hour or two is so critical

As a single parent, part time working isn't an option, so my teen is benefiting from me working full time to pay the bills. This idea that all teens can't cope without a parent around 24/7 is silly. Most people work full time. My parents worked full time and I was fine.

My teen comes home after school, does homework and then messes around on their phone, or goes to a friend's. I finish work at 4.30 and I'm home by 5 so they're alone for 2 hours maximum. It's not a big drama.

Teens also need a roof over their head, food in their bellies and clothes on their backs, and parents need to work and pay into their pensions for retirement too.

While I do appreciate you mean well, your post comes across a bit like you think all teenagers who go off the rails wouldn't have done so if their parents were around to support them.

Like you, my parents both worked full-time and I was an only child left to my own devices every afternoon/evening and all through the holidays from age 12. I never got into any trouble though - I just loved the independence. I did the housework, went out with friends, cooked my own meals and had a great time of it. I think whether children go "off the rails" or not is just as much down to their personalities as anything else.

This thread is just proof that people love competitive misery and their stage always has to be the “hardest”.
Im not even going to argue which is harder because it always depends on circumstances but it is quite literally impossible for teens to need you more than toddlers to the point that it makes full time work difficult.
Toddlers need full time supervision all of their waking hours, a teen is out of the house at school until like 4pm. That’s basically the hours of a full time job itself. There is no real need to work part time with teens unless it is something you want to do.

Like you, my parents both worked full-time and I was an only child left to my own devices every afternoon/evening and all through the holidays from age 12. I never got into any trouble though - I just loved the independence. I did the housework, went out with friends, cooked my own meals and had a great time of it. I think whether children go "off the rails" or not is just as much down to their personalities as anything else.

This was my experience too. A really big benefit was that I felt really well prepared to live independently. I did chores after school most days - laundry, cooking, cleaning - maybe 30-40 mins every day and I think it was so beneficial

It’s not about “making full time work difficult” it’s about balancing how to best meet a child’s needs at each stage of their lives. All stages of childhood have their challenges. And It’s not just about childcare!! My personal experience (and yes it’s different for everyone) is that after a long hard day at work 5 days a week, it’s hard to have the time or energy to keep on top of what’s going on in a teenager’s life. Especially as they have a tendency to hide away, and often find communication with their parents awkward.
Yeah you don’t have to pay nursery fees but a teen’s life is a damn sight more complicated than a toddlers.

Luxxlisbon, who said it was 'miserable', even with my sleep deprivation from having two infants that didn't sleep through until about 4 and my youngest had endless sensory issues around clothes and food, I still adored that innocent time with them, the Peter Rabbit obsession, the Julia Donaldson songbooks, being entertained by free park visits and the ducks! Equally, I love chatting to my teenager and 11 year old they are both very funny and clever kids so interesting people to know. And arguably an infant is safely inside from dinner onwards, usually asleep in the evening not out and about with you waiting to collect them or worrying that they haven't come across unsavoury characters returning home that unlike when they are little and you are in control of their every move, you cannot protect them from!

is that after a long hard day at work 5 days a week, it’s hard to have the time or energy to keep on top of what’s going on in a teenager’s life.

Can you explain how it is hard?? I have an 11yo so still have this to come but I still don't get how this is "hard". Don't you keep on top of what is going on by talking to them daily?

Not sure how you are supposed to "keep on top of" events by staying at home when they aren't even there......

The childcare is equally a guarantee to the parents that they will be 100% safe, you are secure in that knowledge, so what you lose in money you gain in peace of mind, you don't have that luxury with kids who are old enough to let themselves in, think for themselves and do what they want anyway when they are older teens!

DS 16yo (M)cannot drive, so needs lifts to football 2X a week (this is obviously a good thing and to be encouraged, some matches are 1.5 hrs away on a Sunday morning so basically one parent " out for up 6 hours sometimes starting as early as 7:30am)he needs support with GCSE work, screen regulation, I am worried about exposure to porn but have difficultly finding the words. His room stinks and he generates mounds of laundry which he certainly needs help with. We have to help him find suitable D of E experience and equip him for the expedition (as well as endless sports kit). On a Saturday night I feel I can't go out if he is out in case of emergency calls, but don't want to go out if he is in in case he is lonely. He was and is a hard working academic, sporty young man. Oh and he needs mountains of food (which y'know should really be healthy)

I totally accept that teens need more emotional input than toddlers, but a lot of this is unnecessary surely?
If your DS has football matches 1.5 hours away, surely it would be preferable to car pool with others on the team so you only have to do the driving/being out all day once a month? They should be sorting out their own DoE activities (this is part of the point of it!) And if a 16 year old can certainly do their own laundry and open the windows occasionally (and yes, I have a teen boy so I know they will likely only do this when you prompt them very firmly and watch them physically put the clothes in the machine - but that's hardly difficult). And as for not going out when he does? That's surely overprotective? For what it's worth my 17 year old did have an emergency on a Saturday night (he knocked himself out) and there was absolutely nothing I could do about, partly as A&E departments still don't let in extra people (our one doesn't anyway).

It reminds me a bit of those threads where people talk devoting hours to "life admin" which the rest of us just get on with as well as going to work and having a family.....

Please tell me this is a wind up

theveg, I work full time and posters who have remarked on the challenges of teenage years have, so it is disingenuous to suggest they are making a mountain out of molehill. Personally, I think the challenges a comparable and the cost more but this is entirely contextual.

Equally, one person's neglect of parental duties of teens is another's 'making them independent' whereas with young children the expectations are quite clear cut.

I wasn’t on about being at home when they are at school. But it’s nice to be around for them after school, most full time jobs unless it’s very flexible working will involve kids being on their own for a couple of hours before a parent is home. Maybe those who work from home can manage that better? Being around when they get home can make it easier to keep
in touch with homework, what happened at school that day, and kicking their bums to get them doing what they are supposed to be doing. And just time to chat.
And yes I know the typical mumsnet thinking is that once they are at senior school parents shouldn’t have to do anything for their kids anymore, that the parenting days are basically over, and that wanting to know what’s going on in their lives is seen as stalking and a gross invasion of privacy!