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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guilt over ultimatum to dh

148 replies

guiltfeelings · 09/09/2022 17:05

A few months ago I gave dh an ultimatum after MIL was horrendously nasty to me (and said some extremely offensive things). He did at the time fully take my side but as the weeks went by she was trying to rebuild the relationship with him (as if I didn’t exist!) and I told him no. We are NC except for things like Happy birthday etc just a single text.

I have started to feel guilty. I have no reason to as I did nothing wrong but I feel bad for dh. There wasn’t an alternative to NC after the things that were said as they were that awful.

Im not sure what I want from this maybe just some help to understand that feeling guilty is ok but doesn’t mean I have to give in ? That I should stick to my beliefs that’s we need to keep her toxic behaviour out of our lives ? It feels wrong to have put such an abrupt end to their relationship but I had to make a stand. It doesn’t make it easy though 😞

OP posts:
spoonielife95 · 09/09/2022 17:09

You can’t force him to not have any contact with his own mother - if you don’t want to then fair enough - but you can’t make him and you are being very unreasonable forcing him to do so or threatening to leave him if he said no to you.

Pollydon · 09/09/2022 17:10

So you told your DH that he had to go NC ?

MintJulia · 09/09/2022 17:13

Asking someone not to have a relationship with his mother is a big thing. It's almost as though she has manoeuvred you into being the bad guy.

If she's that bad, you shouldn't feel guilty. But could you cope with a situation that as long as she is never welcome in your house again, and you never have to speak to her again, then them communicating/meeting at hers or in a neutral place, is acceptable.

I had a mil who was spite personified so I do sympathise. xx

Sapphire387 · 09/09/2022 17:14

What does your husband want to do?

Obviously we don't know what was said, but you are saying it was really awful.

I'd also expect my DH to cut contact and would be upset if he didn't.

Original poster
guiltfeelings · 09/09/2022 17:14

Well - MIL launched a huge verbal attack on me then told dh he had to choose her or me and I said to him ‘actually I’d never have said that but after what she’s done yes you do have to choose as she requested ‘

What she said was so poisonous and wasn’t just about me it extended to our children as well due to the nature of the comments I felt like she needed to realise if she asked him to choose then yes he could but that it might not be the outcome she wanted so I told him he had to do as she asked

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mbosnz · 09/09/2022 17:14

Um, I'm sorry, I would never (and by crikey, my FIL has been unforgivably revolting, particularly to me), insist or attempt to dictate how my DH conducts his relationship with his family members.

I have drawn the line at ever having contact with the nasty old coot myself, and have also made clear that if the DC's decide they want nothing more to do with him, that is to be honoured and respected (which they did, and it has been). But it is up to him entirely what sort of relationship and contact he has with his father.

Branleuse · 09/09/2022 17:15

What happened?

Obviously you cannot force somebody to go NC with their own mother. You can go NC yourself, but insisting that from a partner is abusive

Badgirlriri · 09/09/2022 17:16

YABU. You can’t stop a person having contact with their own mother.

Hoppinggreen · 09/09/2022 17:16

I am NC with my mil but I haven’t asked that of DH. He’s low contact but I dint get involved

Original poster
guiltfeelings · 09/09/2022 17:16

Sapphire387 · 09/09/2022 17:14

What does your husband want to do?

Obviously we don't know what was said, but you are saying it was really awful.

I'd also expect my DH to cut contact and would be upset if he didn't.

Her comments were racist (about me but let’s face it they also extend to our dc) , she made comments about the dc SEN and then accused me of all sorts of things and that she wanted dh to choose so I said fine he will choose.

I just feel guilty and I know it’s right for us but I feel bad for him

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spoonielife95 · 09/09/2022 17:17

So you’re now changing your story and saying she gave the ultimatum? If you don’t want to have a relationship with his family don’t, but his relationship with them has nothing to do with you, not letting him have a relationship with his own mother - the woman who gave birth and raised him - is abusive.

Original poster
guiltfeelings · 09/09/2022 17:18

spoonielife95 · 09/09/2022 17:17

So you’re now changing your story and saying she gave the ultimatum? If you don’t want to have a relationship with his family don’t, but his relationship with them has nothing to do with you, not letting him have a relationship with his own mother - the woman who gave birth and raised him - is abusive.

No not changing my story - she gave an ultimatum but I gave the same she kept saying it so I said fine he will choose. Both of us then I guess

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Original poster
guiltfeelings · 09/09/2022 17:19

I

OP posts:
spoonielife95 · 09/09/2022 17:19

@guiltfeelings tell him to have a relationship with her if she’s reaching out and if he wants to and then butt out and leave them to it

spoonielife95 · 09/09/2022 17:20

@guiltfeelings *explain that you don’t want one with her but it won’t come between the two of you if he wants to

Original poster
guiltfeelings · 09/09/2022 17:21

I don’t feel it is abusive. What was said to me was abusive. Dh has said that regardless of any ultimatum from anyone he couldn’t face her again.

Im just feeling guilty as I think I wish it hadn’t happened at all and that we could go back and never see that side to her if it makes sense ?

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XtinaCaligulara · 09/09/2022 17:22

YANBU to feel guilty

But the key issue here imo is that your DH even needed an ultimatum to cut this nasty piece of work out!

He should have wanted to go NC with her

You can't force him to not speak to his own mother

But him choosing to do so, shows how he feels about you and your children unfortunately

Original poster
guiltfeelings · 09/09/2022 17:24

spoonielife95 · 09/09/2022 17:19

@guiltfeelings tell him to have a relationship with her if she’s reaching out and if he wants to and then butt out and leave them to it

He doesn’t want to. I think the point is for me that I feel guilt because it’s happened because of me - things she has against me are things I have no control over and we needed to send her a clear message it’s not ok. She thought she could just say these things and then it would all blow over ? That she could still have a relationship with dh and none with me or her grandchildren like we just don’t exist ?

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AnyFucker · 09/09/2022 17:24

Well, you stopped to her level didn’t you ?

Just let your H have the relationship he wants with his own mother and you do what you wish

No need for dramatic “ultimatums”. I suspect you feel simply quite silly, rather than guilty

AnyFucker · 09/09/2022 17:24

*stooped

XtinaCaligulara · 09/09/2022 17:25

spoonielife95 · 09/09/2022 17:20

@guiltfeelings *explain that you don’t want one with her but it won’t come between the two of you if he wants to

How would a husband choosing to have a relationship with a person who racially abused his wife and children not be something that would come between them?

MyNoseIsCold · 09/09/2022 17:25

You’ve been manoeuvred into a position where your dh having a relationship with his dm equals choosing her over you.

You need to step back from the batshittery.

When someone is crazy you don’t join in! Call it out if you want, or don’t dignify it with a response.

You’re now playing by rules that she set when she gave the ultimatum. Why?

Original poster
guiltfeelings · 09/09/2022 17:26

AnyFucker · 09/09/2022 17:24

Well, you stopped to her level didn’t you ?

Just let your H have the relationship he wants with his own mother and you do what you wish

No need for dramatic “ultimatums”. I suspect you feel simply quite silly, rather than guilty

Well no because I’m not a racist or rude about children with SEN so I’m definitely not at her level !

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carefullycourageous · 09/09/2022 17:27

guiltfeelings · 09/09/2022 17:21

I don’t feel it is abusive. What was said to me was abusive. Dh has said that regardless of any ultimatum from anyone he couldn’t face her again.

Im just feeling guilty as I think I wish it hadn’t happened at all and that we could go back and never see that side to her if it makes sense ?

All you need to do is say to your DH that you understand it is a horrible situation, but that now the heat has gone out of the situation you don't want to dictate the relationship between them and you wanted to acknowledge what an awful situation he is in.

You can say IMO that due to the racist nature of the comments you are not happy to see your MIL and you do not want the kids to see her either.

You then are not responsible for him being NC with her, he can choose as he likes.

Original poster
guiltfeelings · 09/09/2022 17:29

I’m not here to discuss whether the NC is right or not I just feel guilty and I know I shouldn’t it’s hard to separate MIL prior to the outburst and MIL after I think I’m processing it and when she said he had to choose I just said fine. I said to him well you heard all that and here are the messages she’s sent as well and to choose like she requested. She crossed a line

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