Guilt over ultimatum to dh

More whataboutery

Indeed. I can't believe this was posted in good faith.

I’m astonished at some people telling the OP that she shouldn’t put DH in the position of choosing. She didn’t - her MIL did. She’s racist and a shit mother.

If there was physical or sexual abuse and the DH kept a relationship with the perpetrator OP would be told to LTB. The MIL is racist, towards her own grandchildren- that’s unforgivable. I would leave my DH if he stayed in touch with someone who treated me and my children like that. OP stand your ground!

The comments were foul, probably illegal and intensely hurtful. Where they came from is the question I would be asking. Is DH the only child who can provide grandchildren? Did his Mum have a dream of a little girl to dress like a doll etc? Did she imagine taking her to ballet classes, or whirling her round a skating rink looking breathtakingly divine etc etc.

I have a friend with a one and only, who is utterly lovely and the pride and joy of her parents. My friend was a born earth mother, a potential grandmother to the tips of her toes. All went swimmingly. And then DD announced that she was gay. Mum was heartbroken, all hopes of a grandchild vanishing for her in a puff of smoke. Years later, technology or a helpful friend have intervened and my friend is now a happy DGM. But for several years she walked with a heavy tread and a downcast appearance.

So my question is this. What are you dealing with? Deeply held racist beliefs - or - terminal lack of thinking plus a kind of bereavement?

If it's the latter, who has influence with MIL? Can you ask someone she respects to remonstrate with her?

I have never seen such a seller example of the mental gymnastics people will do to excuse bigotry. You even managed to throw a story about some homophones bitch in there.

Bravo.

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim

I think you're being a little selective in your reading. These days there's a lemming like rush to NC a significant chunk of the population. Not saying that's not justified sometimes, but there's a lot of it about. In some of these cases, particularly the one argument and it's all over situations, it may be possible to change minds over time. Sometimes people behave in a disgraceful fashion when they are denied something they deeply crave - and then later regret it, but have too much pride to find their way back.

If you always walk away without a discussion, nobody learns, nobody changes, nothing improves.

This is not one of those situations. We are not talking about how to pronounce scone, if football is boring or even brexit. We are talking racism. Racism against a family member. You damn right one incident is enough.

@SpaceshiptoMars "Deeply held racist beliefs - or - terminal lack of thinking plus a kind of bereavement?"

What is she possibly grieving? That her grandchildren are black?!

Racism against a family member. You damn right one incident is enough.

NC is the final step. There are other steps you can take first. The very first step, I would hope, is for DH to state to his Mum, in no uncertain terms, exactly what she has done, how it offends and how she can make amends. If this fails to land, I'd expect him to leave her to her own devices for a week, or a month, and then rinse and repeat. And again. And again. If Mum is completely unrepentant and shows no sign of conceding anything at all, then I'd bring in her parish priest, or someone else she respects and see if they can talk any sense into her.

What is she possibly grieving Ah, sorry you came to that conclusion. Depending on the nature of the SEN, possibly a grandchild that can physically do the dreamed of things - activities that were perhaps denied to the GM because of poverty, parental disapproval etc etc.

Yes, I'm hoping for more palatable reasons than sheer race hatred. Why? Because it's more likely - plenty of people are raised in areas where there is a background level of racism that seeps into their thinking without them thinking. What is needed now is to make Mum use her grey matter and to undermine those unconscious attitudes.

In answer to your question, yes, you should be feeling very guilty indeed.
Completely reasonable for you to go NC for the reasons you provided.
Completely unreasonable for you to ask your DH to do the same.

I do not see that it is my responsibility to help her with her ignorant views.

I agree. But it is your DH's. He owes you that. Because you're worth it

The way things were said so vindictively and repeatedly makes us think there is no way to change these views

Fair enough. I'd thought it was a one-off, so a sliver of hope remaining. Don't feel guilty though - I'd imagine you're pretty traumatised by the whole thing.

I would say that you rarely change a person's mind on the first try, particularly if they're steamed up and angry about something. If her background is steeped in casual racism, it will take a lot of effort to change her world view. A psychotherapist could work with her, but she'd need to be willing to engage.

@guiltfeelings

you would have got more support if your OP had been better/more accurately worded!

I suspect the Queen dying has made you feel more guilt over the situation, thinking about how DH will feel when his mum dies.

I'm glad you've spoken to DH tonight & I hope that you can stop feeling guilty.

my Ex mil & fil were two of the most awful human beings I have ever known. I am as soft as soap & get upset at butter adverts! But they hurt SO many people & caused so many relationships to break down (including ours) that I really did hate them (and I don't say that lightly). When they died (at separate times) I sent my Ex cards but I felt nothing but relief; relief not for myself as they could do no further damage by that stage, but relief for my ex & his siblings/partners/children & others who they were damaging.

drop the guilt, concentrate on the hood people in your life.

Im not saying its ok to be racist. Im saying its not ok for someone to tell someone they cannot speak to their own mother. If he is forced into that decision rather than coming to it of his own accord, then it wont ever end well

And again she didn't say you can't speak to your mother.

If he wanted a relationship with his mother. She didn't want a relationship with him.

He could've chosen his mother.

I didn't ask my DH to go NC when I did, he chose to do it but I still got those feelings of "guilt" when the dust settled. It took me a while to realise that it wasn't actually guilt that I was feeling, it was sadness and grief.

Like you, I spent a lot of time wishing it hadn't happened, wishing she didn't feel the way she did about me etc.

Time is a great healer, I know that phrase gets banded around a lot but it really is true. I'm not so sad about it anymore, which in itself is sad as it means I've passed the point of caring about her and it's unlikely that I will ever want to have anything to do with her again.

I'm really shocked at the amount of posters who think op was wrong, especially the poster who has mixed race children herself but wouldn't go NC if this was her mum your poor kids!

Well done to you DH for going NC, I could have no respect for a man that didn't stand up for his wife and kids. I'm sorry you still have to deal with those kinds of comments. It's so fucking wrong.