Guilt over ultimatum to dh

Sounds like the right decision to me. But the main thing is to keep talking to DH about how he feels. You never have to see MIL again and neither do your kids, but as you know the mother/child relationship is complex and he should be able to feel he has agency over how that works. You don't have to be completely binary about things even if she is.

You told him he has to do as she asked?

But he doesn't. Nor does he have to do as you ask. There are loads of intermediate options that dial down the drama.

Please don;t tell him not to see his mother. But you are perfectly allowed to ask him not to invite her to yoru home, to minimise contact with DC if she is cruel abotu them, and not to spend so much time with her that it compromises family life or skews his opinion of family. Why not ask him what he feels comfortable with and gently negotiate so that you don't have to be on the receiving end of her vitriol again but acknowledging it's his mother, he'll want to see her.

The whole situation is a mess, yes. All you can do is be reasonable and not make it more of a mess.

It is not your fault that your MIL is racist. It is not your fault that you and your children have been subjected to racist views and words.

I can completely understand why it is playing on your mind. It is incredibly sad that racism still exists and presumably even sadder that this is not some random stranger on a bus but someone who has a blood relationship with your children.

It must also be really hard for your DH. Somehow the two of you need to come together. Anger maybe needs to give way to sadness?

@guiltfeelings some people might not want to but some might - cutting off contact with a family member especially a parent is hard. I’m sure you wouldn’t be cutting off your family over something said to DH. Seriously stop being controlling - tell him he is free to have a relationship with his mother as he chooses and you’re not giving him any ultimatums or forcing him to choose between you - end of.

Just tell him that he can do what he wants to do, leave the choice and level of content (if there is any) up to him
You don't need to be involved

Of course any normal person wouldn't keep in contact with someone like that

I've gone NC with a family member for comments said about DH that were far less awful than what you describe

I'd never even consider not doing it

If your DH struggles to cut off a parent who racially abuses his wife and children he is a shit

I would be very scared about what it would mean for my relationship if my DH wanted to have contact with someone who was overtly and aggressively racist towards me (as opposed to someone who was 'just' ignorantly racist/stereotyping). Being the subject of racism is so awful that it must be hard to give the DH the choice as what would it mean if he said he would have contact with someone who felt like that towards his wife and children?

But the only fair and sane thing to do is to give him the choice. There is no other option without behaving in a way that is not OK.

She was trying to rebuild a relationship with him and you told him no? Yeah you're sounding as controlling as her. Surely you want him to decide for himself that she's toxic not be instructed by you?

You feel guilty because you’ve done an awful thing.

If you want to go NC that’s fine, but you don’t get to dictate that he does too and give out ultimatums.

His relationship with his mother is nothing to do with you; you don’t get to interfere. Regardless of how nasty she was he should rightly tell you to butt out.

I don’t understand what you’re asking us all if you don’t believe you’ve done anything wrong by saying NC and you don’t believe you should feel guilty for it either?

Regardless of how nasty she was I agree the OP should leave the decision to her DH but I don't personally feel that racism is just being 'nasty', it is far more serious than that.

It is emotionally controlling and abusive behaviour to cut people off from their families. If his family member mistreats you, you can decide whether or not to support the reponse to that by your DH but you don't cut others off from their families. I don't understand why you had to say anything. His mother gave him an ultimatum and he had to make a choice based on that. It should have been up to him to decide what stand to take - not you. Don't you think he would have chosen to go NC on his own if the option really was his mother or you and the kids - given what you have said? If he would have chosen his mother - that would have told you everything you needed to know. I don't get why you felt you had to be the one to make the decision for him. That is controlling. Do you generally control decisions in the family? Would he say he gets to make his own decisions or that sometimes decisions made together are based on what he wants rather than what you want?

Are you Me?

Ofndjbisbz

Oops..
If dh is supporting her being racist you take your dc and you leave him.

I don't have anything to do with my MIL. She is an awful woman and I do not want her in my life at all. But I would never try to dictate whether dh has a relationship with her. His relationship with his mother is none of my business.

Your MIL has said truly unforgivable things and you are completely right to go NC with her and not want her in your dc's lives. But you absolutely cannot force your husband to go NC with his mum, it has to be his choice. I can understand you being upset with him if he chose not to, and I can understand that it would cause problems within your marriage. But going NC with a parent is complicated and not something that anyone should ever force another to do.

I would lose pretty much all respect for a spouse if they wanted to maintain a relationship with a family member who was openly racist to their wife, and children by default, as well accusatory towards their wife re special needs in their children to boot. It's just not acceptable or forgiveable.

She is a horrible horrible cow and I'm sorry you have had to deal with her. But this situation is now about how YOU treat your DH... Are you really going to mirror your horrible mother in law's actions and demand he behaves in a certain way, or are you going to be respectful enough of your husband not to dictate his family relationships?
I think the situation is probably pulling you down to behave quite badly really towards your DH. This must be a horrible, horrible time for him. There are threads here all the time by people whose parents are absolute bastards but they still struggle to go NC- it's a really complex, traumatic experience.

Ok you feel guilty because you probably didn’t need to say to your DH he was to have NC with her because he was probably disgusted enough with her comments to make this decision for himself but as you have said it you have almost stooped to her level in that you’ve given him the same ultimatum his mother did and now it’s like you’ve told him he can’t have contact with her and he has no other options. You feel guilty as he’s lost the relationship he had with his mother even though it was her own doing by saying the things she said about you and your children.

I would speak to your DH and see how he feels about it all, no ultimatums this time. Likelihood is they’ll never have the same relationship again but she is still his mum and he’s probably sad it’s come to this.