Guilt over ultimatum to dh

@guiltfeelings you might get more suitable advice on the BMN board. 🌷

What she said was awful, but I think what’s equally awful is forcing him to make a choice. You’ve said you’ve given him the choice now but you’ve made it clear you’ll be furious if he chose to speak to her again, and he clearly knows that, so it’s hardly his own choice is it. I don’t think I could just stop speaking to my mother if she said something like that to me (and I have mixed race children). Yes it would be incredibly hurtful but you’ve said it wasn’t normal behaviour. It wasn’t that straw that broke the camel’s back. Your DH will no doubt struggle in the future and this won’t be the end of this, it will come back again and again in your marriage.

She is unreasonable to make the decision for him or to demand he do x or y. He is an autonomous adult and can make his own decisions.

OP isn't forcing anyone to do anything. She has stated her line. If MIL was truly horrific then I would draw the line in the sand also that they all go NC as keeping contact is in sending the message that MIL can be as awful as she wants and it will be fine for her. She will still see her son (DH). If DH does not agree to this line in the sand then they can go separate ways as a couple. This is not forcing. This is stating your position on the matter and leaving the ball in DHs court

Equally as awful?

How have you come to that conclusion

MIL - racially abused her DIL and her grand children, plus was nasty about her DGC SEN

OP- got upset with being racially abused and asked her DH to join her being NC with a woman who abused her and his children

Yeah totally the same

Nah racism is evil though

Honestly it's comments like this that remind me why there is a BMN topic

The absolute ignorance around race on here is staggering

If for example FIL was a previously convicted paedophile, I would not see it as abusive to draw my line in the sand that my dh could not see him and also remain in a relationship with me. Again that wouldn't be forcing anyone. It would be staying my position and leaving the ball in DHs court. People seem to have confused ideas about what abuse is. Stating your boundaries and making it clear that transgressing then means the relationship is untenable is not abuse.

The whole point of her post is that she DIDN'T ask him. She told him. She made the decision for him and told him what he will or will not do. You made up what she did!

I would let him decide what he wants to do. If anything happened to her & he regrets the NC he could well turn the blame on you.
Let him decide what's best for him. You only get 2 parents in life, he can't just stop loving her.
Its sad for you because of course you're upset/angry with her, rightly so, but this is his call to make. Not yours or your MIL. Hope it gets sorted

@Midlifemusings

You don't seem to grasp the concept of an ultimatum

The OP didn't tell her husband what to do

She gave him an ultimatum, one which is very reasonable in this scenario, one which her MIL kicked off by issuing her own!

But please do explain why you think anything the OP has done is half as bad as being a racist - I'll be waiting

I thought I was already jaded, but I'm genuinely shocked at this thread, at the weighting of votes and replies. Racism is an absolute no, and protecting kids from racism in their home and family is not negotiable.

Unfortunately many on AIBU are in the 'we don't see colour' camp

It's so blatant and pretty fucking gross

Typed out a long reply but my phone ate it ... But basically saying I think your guilt is misplaced; possibly your dh feels guilty he exposed you to this, and of course its awful that he has effectively lost his mother. But she did that, not you.

Awful for you both, and I feel sorry for your husband - it must have been devastating for him,but your reaction was pretty natural and it sounds like even if you hadn't said anything he would have chosen, just the same. She sounds vile.

Agree with Xtina and Stravaig too.

I can't get my head round anyone wanting to have a relationship with a parent who had racially abused their grandchildren, tbh. I really find it incomprehensible.

She sounds utterly disgusting, and if I was in your situation, OP, I'm not sure I could continue to be in a relationship with their father if he wanted to carry on having contact with her.

I'm also horrified that this woman is working in an education setting while believing mixed heritage kids with additional needs have those needs because of their mixed heritage. I presume she keeps her racist opinions to herself at work, and don't see why she can't do the same the rest of the time.

She wants to cut her own relationship off and her children’s fair enough if the comments were about them

So if MIL had only made racist comments about OP, then she should continue to allow MIL to see DC?

Who cares about DC being exposed to MIL’s racism right?

Fuck me, but the excusing of racism on MN gets worse day by day.

Essentially the OP is asking whether she is BU to feel guilty. I suspect that's why the votes are 72% YABU. They're saying that she is being unreasonable to feel guilty.

Or at least, I hope that's the case!

^all of this.

You made your feelings on this very clear OP, so you didn't really give your DH any choice. It would have been much better for him to have reached this conclusion without pressure from you.

And I don't say this because I think you're being over-dramatic, but because there could be repercussions which bite you in the arse in the future. If something happens to his mum and he was still NC, your DH could resent you from putting pressure on him to go NC. And that could destroy your relationship.

Relationships with an abusive parent can be difficult to break off - there are countless threads on here about how people struggle to make the step to go NC with a parent, even when they've been unspeakably evil. I think your DH needed to reach this point himself, even if it wasn't straight away.

I have different issues with my inlaws but similarly problematic. I have SEN DC, and we had a huge, huge falling out years ago, which meant I went NC for me and DC. It's taken DP years to reach similar conclusions and it's still a work in progress. He knows how I feel and what I think, but I've always told him that his relationship with his parents has to be up to him because I don't ever want there to be any resentment/blame that I influenced him.

It is really hard to allow your DP/DH to make their own decisions because it can feel like a slap in the face. But parent/child relationships can be complex and there are very few people who are genuinely able to instantly go NC on the basis of a single argument, and be OK with it.

You do understand that women now have the legal right to divorce?

They aren't forced to stay in marriages.

If OP would be so repulsed by him choosing to stay in a relationship with this bitch that it broke their marriage for her her leaving isn't a threat, blackmail or evil it is a consequence

Those who excuse racism are just as bad and her choice would be not to stay in a relationship with a weak man.

Because its his actual mother, not a random mate. The rules are different because of the uniqueness of the relationship and the wound it leaves behind. Going no contact with a parent can only ever come from the person themselves.
You can hope they come to that decision, but you cant insist on it.
You can also just leave

He did come to that decision though. How can he not when his mother is racist towards his children amd
his wife. Again, can't people read? As a parent of black or brown children you must protect your children from racism. Regardless of where it comes from. I am not at all surprised at the responses here, the endless whitesplaining and whataboutery.

No, the rules are not at all different, no. Racism is racism and in this case the danger and impact is much much greater as it comes from a family member. Someone who should love and protect them. Do you genuinely not understand the trauma that inflicts on the children and their sense of self? "The rules are different", no they are really really not.

To use your own words. "The racism didn't come from a random mate, it came from his ACTUAL mother". Get it now?

This is a work in progress, isn't it?

The MIL's racism was vile and OP was hurt and wanted to protect her DC from being exposed to those attitudes on race and on SEN.

The OP's first reaction was to respond to MIL's ultimatum to her DH to choose between them and say go ahead and choose me then. I'd say that was quite a natural in the heat of the situation because if he took MIL at her word, he'd be leaving OP. It was MIL who put them both in an ultimatum situation in the first place, not OP.

But clearly, she's trying to think around the situation and the long term implications and is wondering if it was the right move or whether there was some other way to handle it, she feels guilt and has come on here to ask opinions. There was one poster on here who said they should try to educate the MIL ( we don't know if the MIL would co-operate) but maybe. Or maybe she will feel that her NC decision was the right one, only she knows the characters involved.

People often make hasty decisions or say things in the heat of the moment when we are upset, particularly if it involves DC, but that's often just a first reaction.
I don't think she deserves condemnation for this. She's thinking about what to do going forward.

Have we established the mil is white or is that just an assumption?