Guilt over ultimatum to dh

[guiltfeelings]

A few months ago I gave dh an ultimatum after MIL was horrendously nasty to me (and said some extremely offensive things). He did at the time fully take my side but as the weeks went by she was trying to rebuild the relationship with him (as if I didn’t exist!) and I told him no. We are NC except for things like Happy birthday etc just a single text.

I have started to feel guilty. I have no reason to as I did nothing wrong but I feel bad for dh. There wasn’t an alternative to NC after the things that were said as they were that awful.

Im not sure what I want from this maybe just some help to understand that feeling guilty is ok but doesn’t mean I have to give in ? That I should stick to my beliefs that’s we need to keep her toxic behaviour out of our lives ? It feels wrong to have put such an abrupt end to their relationship but I had to make a stand. It doesn’t make it easy though 😞

[Stravaig]

Too many replies seem to think that a mother has the right to be racist to her DIL and abusive about her grandkids, yet not be cut off from her son! What the actual fuck. No. No. No.

[Jedsnewstar]

I am with you OP. If anyone was racist towards my children and my DH didn’t cut them off I couldn’t remain in that relationship. I wouldn’t see him the same way. Mother or no mother.

[Swimmingpoolsally]

I can see why you feel guilty about what you’ve done. It’s horrible. Yes your mil was bad but so were you. You should feel guilty. It’s his choice it’s his mother. You go no contact if you wish and it seems it is right to do so but to force him, nah,he needs to make his own mind up

[underneaththeash]

I'm not sure I could ever cut off my mother, even if she was that wrong or rude.
I would if she put my children in danger.

She's just ignorant. Mixed race children have significantly less chance of suffering from genetic mutations as recessive genes have significantly less opportunity to dominate. Therefore they're healthier. Just get her to google mixed race - healthier gene pool.

Don't lose your husband - educate your ignorant mother in law.

[SpaceshiptoMars]

@guiltfeelings

She hasn’t ever been like this before, I found her to be slightly ignorant but we never argued. She is blaming the dc mixed heritage for the SEN saying it’s not SEN it’s behaviour as she used to work in a school and identified ‘mixed kids’ as naughty and was saying that it applies to my dc. Then said how disappointed she was dh ended up with me etc

OK, well, that's stupendous ignorance right there at the heart of this. I'd guess she really did want fantasy grandchildren, that she can't cope with how the children behave and feels deskilled as a parent because of that. She doesn't want to think the problem is her, because she sees herself as a capable parent - and doesn't understand she needs to learn new parenting skills to cover SEN.

She's been foul to you because she can't cope with being the one in the wrong or the one who is not capable. She sounds like a woman who has barely moved a mile from where she was born in her whole life, and checked out of school mentally a long time before she left!

To get past this, you'll need to find a well of compassion in you that pities her for the ignorance that shackles her. Have you heard of nonviolent communication? Plenty of free videos on Youtube. It's a long process to bring this into your life (years), but could give you the skills to overcome this situation eventually. (And will transform your marriage in the meantime).

[XtinaCaligulara]

@underneaththeash

I'm not sure I could ever cut off my mother, even if she was that wrong or rude.
I would if she put my children in danger.

She's just ignorant. Mixed race children have significantly less chance of suffering from genetic mutations as recessive genes have significantly less opportunity to dominate. Therefore they're healthier. Just get her to google mixed race - healthier gene pool.

Don't lose your husband - educate your ignorant mother in law.

How is being racially abusive not harmful to her grandchildren?

[guiltfeelings]

Dh has told me he does miss her but the ‘old version’ before she said what she said. He doesn’t want a relationship with her but does feel a loss

[Saynotothefishtank]

It feels wrong because it is wrong.

Forgiveness is not wrong.

Telling a son he’ll lose his wife and kids if he has any kind of relationship with his mother? That’s evil.

[guiltfeelings]

@Saynotothefishtank

It feels wrong because it is wrong.

Forgiveness is not wrong.

Telling a son he’ll lose his wife and kids if he has any kind of relationship with his mother? That’s evil.

There’s no way I would forgive her ! Not that she has even apologised

[Minimalme]

I don't know if this helps, but my dh went NC with my Mum about two years before I did.

He made it clear he would have nothing to do with her but that I was free to have a relationship with her.

After I cut her off, he expressed remorse that he didn't ask me to do it earlier. He felt he had let me down by not protecting me from such an abusive person.

I wish I had cut off earlier too, but I needed to do it when I was ready.

[Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim]

@Saynotothefishtank

It feels wrong because it is wrong.

Forgiveness is not wrong.

Telling a son he’ll lose his wife and kids if he has any kind of relationship with his mother? That’s evil.

No that's a boundary.
OP can't keep his kids away from him.

But she doesn't have to be married to anyone she doesn't want to.

[GettingItOutThere]

whatever has happened YABU to expect him to not speak to his own mother - that is HIS choice, not yours to make.

[guiltfeelings]

@GettingItOutThere

whatever has happened YABU to expect him to not speak to his own mother - that is HIS choice, not yours to make.

We have spoken about it tonight and he has said he doesn’t want a relationship with her

[Creepymanonagoatfarm]

My dh (and me) have been nc with his dm for over 7 years.
His decision and I backed him.

[Thepossibility]

If you have spoken about it and he has continued with his decision for NC then you have nothing to be guilty about. He is a grown man making a choice for himself.
The actual fight where she said those vile things and you responded in hurt and anger is nothing to be guilty about either. You both rose up to protect your family.
I would judge you more if you didn't.
I think you need to give your DH some credit, he's making these decisions for himself. Take a step back and drop the rope.

[Aubriella]

Given MIL’s racism, you are absolutely right to go NC with MIL and have your DC be with NC with her too. Unfortunately this is MN where there is frequent minimisation of racism.

However, I think if DH wants to see her on his own then that’s on him. Don’t stop him, but make it clear you don’t want to hear anything about her and that your kids will not be exposed to her.

[BarryK3nt]

I had a similar experience with my partner’s mom last year when we were on holiday. She was utterly vile to me for no reason and said unforgivable things which unfortunately for her there’s just no coming back from. I’ve never stopped my partner or our child from having a relationship with her but I do think he has pulled away a lot from her as a natural consequence of her actions. I think the best mindset to have is that your life is better without her in it and now I’m just so glad I don’t have to have anything to do with her anymore. She is miserable in a failing marriage with man who openly despises her, whereas my partner and I just love each other so much and we’re getting married soon. My advice is to give it time, it is still raw for you and you are hurting, I’m sure that sooner or later you will start to feel so much better regardless of what your husband chooses to do. But I honestly do completely understand the hurt and sheer anger you currently feel towards her.

[guiltfeelings]

Yes it’s better we have clarified that it’s his choice to continue NC

[Lndnmummy]

I am sorry OP, it must be painful. Being in a mixed race relationship myself I can say though that there is no other way. You have to go no contact for the sake of your children. There is no other way. I have had to do it too (my dh never asked me) but there was just no other way. It doesn't mean it isn't painful. But it is the only way.

[Lndnmummy]

@GettingItOutThere

whatever has happened YABU to expect him to not speak to his own mother - that is HIS choice, not yours to make.

It is very much a joint decision if the mother is racist and they have children. Over my dead body would my partner have a relationship with anyone racist.

[catandcoffee]

Why would you feel a tinge of guilt towards this nasty Woman.

She's obviously felt this way since you've been with her Son, she just kept it hidden.

There is no way on earth I'd have anything to do with her,ever again.

Your husband should feel exactly the same,as she insulted HIS children.

What a disgusting human being she is.🤬

[Lndnmummy]

@Saynotothefishtank

It feels wrong because it is wrong.

Forgiveness is not wrong.

Telling a son he’ll lose his wife and kids if he has any kind of relationship with his mother? That’s evil.

No. Failing to protect your children from racism is evil.

[SpaceshiptoMars]

@Lndnmummy

I am sorry OP, it must be painful. Being in a mixed race relationship myself I can say though that there is no other way. You have to go no contact for the sake of your children. There is no other way. I have had to do it too (my dh never asked me) but there was just no other way. It doesn't mean it isn't painful. But it is the only way.

There is a way, but not where one where you can do anything. If DH or a 3rd party mediator could speak to his mum and slowly persuade her to change her mind and ways, that could eventually work. (I wouldn't expect this kind of change to be quick though. Years.)

[Lndnmummy]

@KilmordenCastle

Then it would be his choice to have a relationship with his mum and your choice to no longer be in a relationship with him. But everyone still has a choice.

You don't get to tell a partner what they can and cannot do. You can make your wishes known and make it clear that certain things are lines that you will end the relationship if crossed. And make the decision to end to end it if those lines are crossed. But you don't get to dictate things to a partner.

You do if that relationship entails racist views of your children. Can't people read?! It makes me feel sick that idiots like this MIL work in schools. Every parent of every brown and black child will have met her over and over again. What is wrong with people.

[catandcoffee]

72% must have got confused with the voting.🙄