Guilt over ultimatum to dh

I told my DH i couldn't have MIL in my life and if that meant binning him then that's what I would do. She was ruining my life.

We haven't had contact in 7 years. In the end she did something that caused him to cut her off independently. But I was in the middle of looking for solicitors.

What she has said is unforgivable and I would absolutly condem DH for wanting to continue with that.

@guiltfeelings right so you are forcing him then? Because if he didn’t agree with you and had contact with his mother you would make his life hell? You are at her level for that. Grow up and be mature and you will be the better person here

The OP is already a better person because she isn't a racist POS

I'm honestly baffled about how you can sit there and say it's unreasonable of the OP to be disgusted by a husband who speaks to a mother who racially abused his wife and children

How low is your bar?

Then it would be his choice to have a relationship with his mum and your choice to no longer be in a relationship with him. But everyone still has a choice.

You don't get to tell a partner what they can and cannot do. You can make your wishes known and make it clear that certain things are lines that you will end the relationship if crossed. And make the decision to end to end it if those lines are crossed. But you don't get to dictate things to a partner.

@XtinaCaligulara I’m not condoning her behaviour at all but the OP cannot force her partner to cut-off his mother regardless of what she has done. She wants to cut her own relationship off and her children’s fair enough if the comments were about them, but forcing someone to cut-off a parent which can be traumatic and complex - it’s not straight forward - is controlling and not the signs of a healthy relationship of two adults

i think your being incredibly horrid and controlling, you can go NC as much as you please and fair enough not want to hear about her but you cant and shouldnt control him seeing or speaking to her

Where is the OP saying she would make his life hell?

@XtinaCaligulara stating she couldn’t be near him, couldn’t physically be in touch with him, he would repulse her… I’m sure that would make for a happy home environment!

I wouldn't suggest to your husband that he ought to consider having contact with his mother.
If he decides of his own accord, then that's up to him but I would be very unhappy in your shoes (if he did resume contact)
Don't let your DC be exposed to her vile racism, God how can their grandmother be so awful?!

My DH went no contact with his mum, including when she was dying and asked to see him (I felt pretty cut up on her behalf being a mother myself, but it was his decision)
He is much happier now his mum has died, she was truly awful to him and me. Our children had no relationship with her eventually, because she also hurt them with her callous indifference and attitude. They do not miss her.

It's quite sad when you try to put yourself in someone else's shoes, but then again I'm not a horrible racist nasty person.

You giving your dp an ultimatum is not going to work. He needs to make the decision himself.

He may be in the middle of FOG (Google it). You have the absolute right to go NC with her, and protect your children from her.

Would you not be repulsed by someone who accepted racial abuse towards you and your children?

Also it's not making his life hell

Those are natural reactions to what the OP would be going through

At this point I'm wondering how much glue you've sniffed

@XtinaCaligulara she needs to butt out - as long as she protects herself and children from this - his relationship with her has nothing to do with OP. I would love your reaction if a man had written this post as his wife!

I'd have exactly the same reaction

I've gone NC with a family member due to comments half as bad made about my DH

You're wild to think any normal human being would sit there happily married to a man or woman who was in contact with someone who racially abused his wife and children

@XtinaCaligulara just because you found it okay to cut off family doesn’t mean everyone feels the same way - it’s not as black and white as that - especially when it’s a parent because parent child relationships are usually complicated

You don't understand what racism is, perhaps, @spoonielife95 ?

I agree with @XtinaCaligulara

I can’t see him wanting to see her he was disgusted at what she said

He was disgusted with her and I think even if I said ‘mayhe you should try to get along with your mum ‘ I’m 99.9% sure he would say no way

I'm not sure you have anything to feel guilty about. Because you weren't really talking to him, were you? You were talking to her. It was a sort of 'come on then if you're hard enough'. It makes me think of being in a room with a DP and DC, and you say - in a normal voice, not a whisper - to DC 'Go and ask Daddy to put the kettle on'. On the surface you're talking to DC but you're not really.

But maybe you need a proper discussion with DH. Rather than winging it, talk until you have a plan of action for the future with which you both agree.

Of course it's as easy as that

Do you understand how awful racism is?

And insulting someone's child due to SEN?

I don't understand the negative posts. If my mil persistently in treated me terribly I would hope my husband would tell her where to go. Technically she gave the ultimatum not you. Maybe she went to far when she racially abused you, and your husband rightly wants her out of his mixed race children's lives. Any decent parent wouldn't want to expose their children to that, especially from so called family.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Enjoy the peace!

OP this is so difficult and you have my sympathies. Tbh though if my mil made racist comments to me and ergo my children I would absolutely expect my dh to go no contact - she has literally insulted who should be the most important people in his life in the worst way!.

she is toxic in the extreme. I totally understand how you feel you have collaborated in hurting your dh by technically upholding her ultimatum be honestly the issue here is her. It’s not your job to tell her not to be so ridiculous- she’s a crap parent tbh as she’s putting her needs first!

Hmmm. I'm not saying this isn't pretty bad, it is, but what form did MIL have before this incident? Any idea why she went into this rant? Or any idea that makes a smidgeon of sense? Was she trying to blame something, someone or anyone for the children having SEN and settled on you? Has this challenged her world view and she's flailing about, psychologically? Was she hoping for a fantasy grandmotherhood, and can't accept what she has?

What is your gut feeling? Is she an evil harridan, or is she unbelievably ignorant? Could she effectively be reeducated, given the time and will?

you are extremely unreasonable to demand your dh stops seeing/speaking to his mother and you should feel guilty

Yabu…stop trying to dictate his relationships and emotions ffs. You might not be racist but you’re still overbearing and a bully.

Yeah I'm wondering what's in the water for some posters on here with this one

I had similar from my ex mil. She physically attacked me. Yes, you will feel.guilt as its the shock about the actual situation coming out. My ex H, refused to cut contact with her (and all I said was that she wasn't to visit our home any longer) a month later he physically attacked me as well and that was the end of our marriage.

My advice regarding how you feel is to talk to your DH about it, he was there, he heard it. What are his next steps going to be? How do you both move forward together? You should be able to voice what your contact with her isn't going to be and he should show his support of this. You don't have to have any contact with her at all, regardless of what he chooses to do. What you do need from him is a clear response that he isn't going to tolerate the comments at all.