Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH mad at me - AIBU?

294 replies

SleeplessBeautyy · 09/09/2022 15:21

DS is 3, DD is 7 weeks old. DH is a teacher and started back at work last Thursday (8 days ago), so obviously no WFH. I’m on maternity leave but my employer is funding a master’s degree during my maternity leave, which I started last Monday (11 days ago). My master’s degree is mostly WFH. This master’s course is a regulatory requirement of my profession and I have to pass every element on the first attempt or my employment could be terminated. I’m expected for 45 hours per week WFH plus some social/networking events (these aren’t compulsory but it would be very damaging to my career progression not to attend). My employer is very supportive in facilitating the course online and allowing me to bring DD to work events. Our house sale has stalled so DH is currently commuting an hour and a half each way to get to work. DD is home with me 100% of the time. DS started his new nursery today, next to DH’s work so DH is doing the school run on his commute.

In order to cut down on DH’s commuting, he stayed with a friend Tuesday night and Wednesday night (so he left at 6am on Tuesday morning and arrived back yesterday at 6pm). During that time, I was looking after DS and DD, whilst also doing my course. When he got back, I was shattered so when DD woke up last night he looked after her until about 3am when I took over. He left this morning again at just gone 6am with DS.

DH is now mad at me. I’ve been getting one-word responses all day and he’s just said it’s because “DD was just hard work and then I had to get up mad early and drive”. He’s mad that I didn’t look after DD last night.

In general, DH is very generous with his time and energy. He’s never opted out of parenting in any capacity and is very hands-on. With DS, he actually went part-time for a year to look after him. He also very much prioritises my career (as my earning potential is much higher than his) and has stayed in teaching because the holidays and hours are saving us a small fortune in holiday clubs and wraparound childcare. He’s very supportive of my career and hasn’t ever expressed any resentment at all. So, I can’t see any motivation for him to be unreasonable.

However, from my perspective, I’d had both children 100% of the time for 60 hours (and working full-time) whilst he was getting a full night’s sleep, going to the gym, going to the pub etc so I think it’s unfair that he resents me sleeping from 10pm to 3am last night.

AIBU to think I’ve done nothing wrong or is he right?

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 09/09/2022 15:27

I'm just gobsmacked that you couldn't postpone your masters until after mat leave.

And it's pointless getting into competitive tiredness - you are both tired, both trying to work full time with a very young baby. He's probably just shattered and facing a long commute and a full day's work.

Honestly it sounds bonkers

Magenta82 · 09/09/2022 15:28

Are you sure he is mad and not just tired? It sounds like he did get up with DD during the night and has been short rather than explicitly angry, we can all get a bit short when we are tired.

It sounds like you both have a lot on your plates and are doing the best you can. Hopefully things will get better once you have moved and got settled.

OneFootintheRave · 09/09/2022 15:28

Ah don't worry too much! You're both shattered. He's just being a bit short because he's tired most likely. It's not like he's been texting nasty stuff.

Sounds like he's pulling his weight in general.

Etinoxaurus · 09/09/2022 15:28

I’ve not voted, as a snapshot it’s something or nothing, leaning towards nothing as you describe him as normally supportive. However the maternity leave/ Masters arrangement is unsustainable.

WaddleAway · 09/09/2022 15:29

Doing a full time masters on maternity leave with a baby at home full time is absolute madness.

Zott · 09/09/2022 15:31

I haven’t voted, you are both very tired, it’s just a case of getting through the next few difficult months and things will get easier.

Mardyface · 09/09/2022 15:31

Yes I'd say this is caused by your situation being unsustainable. Maternity leave is not maternity leave if you are doing required training. If this was arranged by your employer it is surely illegal to insist upon doing it now.

PinkyFlamingo · 09/09/2022 15:31

How can you even think about doing this course with such a young baby its bonkers

Comeintomylife9 · 09/09/2022 15:31

Another one who agrees the Masters arrangement isn't sustainable, appropriate or fair on your children either.
You're both tired in this scenario, there is no winner here.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 09/09/2022 15:31

Had he said he is mad at you specifically? Because the example you gave is just a tired don't want to use words response.

autienotnaughty · 09/09/2022 15:32

Based on what you said it sounds like he's tired. If you are intending to study at that level you need some childcare. Otherwise you may burn out.

Original poster
SleeplessBeautyy · 09/09/2022 15:32

I did my first master’s when DS was at home full-time. He was born at the end of June 2019, master’s started August, he went into nursery for the first time March 2020 and then covid hit a couple of weeks later. I got a distinction.

The unsustainable issue was DS not being in nursery (resolved now) and DH’s commute because of the house sale stalling (hopefully resolved soon).

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 09/09/2022 15:33

Surely this isn't sustainable. You can't work full time with a tiny baby, and you can't expect a 3 year old to do 1.5 hour commute each way for nursery. It simply won't work. When are you moving? Though that doesn't solve the incompatibility of baby + 45 hours a week.

Tiswa · 09/09/2022 15:33

This is too much the masters the commute the 7 week old baby is just two much for any couple to cope wirh

and why are you texting him so much during the day

somethjng is going to have to give

Mardyface · 09/09/2022 15:35

Two children is not the same as one. I'm not doubting your capacity to do the masters well but maternity leave - actual maternity leave - exists for a reason. You will not get a medal for working unnecessarily hard and something will have to give. That may be your H snapping at you because he's tired and you being tired also.

You will do what you want obviously. But you asked people to judge a situation which is clearly an incendiary one.

PurpleWisteria · 09/09/2022 15:35

He shouldn't be driving on so little sleep. You need to do the nights until you move. YABVU. Poor chap.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/09/2022 15:36

Is this not illegal your employer expecting you to work full time during maternity leave?

Comeintomylife9 · 09/09/2022 15:38

I also wouldn't be happy with my husband driving that length of commute with 3 hours sleep - you should have a little more empathy for that at the very least, it's potentially very dangerous.

Ganymedemoon · 09/09/2022 15:38

Sounds bonkers to me to do this on mat leave. Why could you not wait.

It sounds like your DH is tired and maybe stressed with childcare and commute as are you with a newborn and a toddler and essentially working a 45hr week.

How does your DH feel about you doing your masters? Was he up for it at this time or would be have preferred you wait until Mat leave was over? He may be angry if he didn't want to do this again? If he supported it, then you're both stressed and tired so fair enough. Let it go.

Shamoo · 09/09/2022 15:39

Your set up is insane. And I say that as somebody married to someone who did do quite a bit of work during her Mat leave. But I can WFH and we only had one child - I did all the nights for example. I just cannot imagine how you think your family can cope with the set up you have. He’s probably exhausted, you must be too.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/09/2022 15:39

I also agree that your dh driving with a toddler after 3 hours sleep is dangerous. You should be doing the night waking and certainly should not be doing this course, its stupidity.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 09/09/2022 15:39

YABU. How can you possibly be happy with your husband driving your toddler son an hour and a half on three hours sleep? And then back again, after a days work?

This is unsustainable and it was ridiculous you accepting the masters course during maternity leave.

WaddleAway · 09/09/2022 15:40

SleeplessBeautyy · 09/09/2022 15:32

I did my first master’s when DS was at home full-time. He was born at the end of June 2019, master’s started August, he went into nursery for the first time March 2020 and then covid hit a couple of weeks later. I got a distinction.

The unsustainable issue was DS not being in nursery (resolved now) and DH’s commute because of the house sale stalling (hopefully resolved soon).

Well you’ll have to wait for the house situation to resolve for things to get better then. You’re exhausted, so is he, and understandably then.
No point anyone being cross with the other; a full time job with a long commute, full time masters, a pre schooler and a newborn baby is exhausting.

Original poster
SleeplessBeautyy · 09/09/2022 15:41

Mardyface · 09/09/2022 15:35

Two children is not the same as one. I'm not doubting your capacity to do the masters well but maternity leave - actual maternity leave - exists for a reason. You will not get a medal for working unnecessarily hard and something will have to give. That may be your H snapping at you because he's tired and you being tired also.

You will do what you want obviously. But you asked people to judge a situation which is clearly an incendiary one.

DS is in nursery three days a week from now on, but his term hadn’t started which is why I had both at home.

Whilst I appreciate your comment, I didn’t ask for comment on whether or not to do a master’s. I asked whether I should be doing all the nights and whether DH is justified in being mad at me. It was a joint decision on doing the masters and he’s perfectly capable of taking parental leave from his job too. (Sorry if this sounds snippy, I don’t mean to at all but text doesn’t convey tone very well).

OP posts:
Original poster
SleeplessBeautyy · 09/09/2022 15:41

Comeintomylife9 · 09/09/2022 15:38

I also wouldn't be happy with my husband driving that length of commute with 3 hours sleep - you should have a little more empathy for that at the very least, it's potentially very dangerous.

Where did you get 3 hours from?

OP posts: