DH mad at me - AIBU?

[SleeplessBeautyy]

DS is 3, DD is 7 weeks old. DH is a teacher and started back at work last Thursday (8 days ago), so obviously no WFH. I’m on maternity leave but my employer is funding a master’s degree during my maternity leave, which I started last Monday (11 days ago). My master’s degree is mostly WFH. This master’s course is a regulatory requirement of my profession and I have to pass every element on the first attempt or my employment could be terminated. I’m expected for 45 hours per week WFH plus some social/networking events (these aren’t compulsory but it would be very damaging to my career progression not to attend). My employer is very supportive in facilitating the course online and allowing me to bring DD to work events. Our house sale has stalled so DH is currently commuting an hour and a half each way to get to work. DD is home with me 100% of the time. DS started his new nursery today, next to DH’s work so DH is doing the school run on his commute.

In order to cut down on DH’s commuting, he stayed with a friend Tuesday night and Wednesday night (so he left at 6am on Tuesday morning and arrived back yesterday at 6pm). During that time, I was looking after DS and DD, whilst also doing my course. When he got back, I was shattered so when DD woke up last night he looked after her until about 3am when I took over. He left this morning again at just gone 6am with DS.

DH is now mad at me. I’ve been getting one-word responses all day and he’s just said it’s because “DD was just hard work and then I had to get up mad early and drive”. He’s mad that I didn’t look after DD last night.

In general, DH is very generous with his time and energy. He’s never opted out of parenting in any capacity and is very hands-on. With DS, he actually went part-time for a year to look after him. He also very much prioritises my career (as my earning potential is much higher than his) and has stayed in teaching because the holidays and hours are saving us a small fortune in holiday clubs and wraparound childcare. He’s very supportive of my career and hasn’t ever expressed any resentment at all. So, I can’t see any motivation for him to be unreasonable.

However, from my perspective, I’d had both children 100% of the time for 60 hours (and working full-time) whilst he was getting a full night’s sleep, going to the gym, going to the pub etc so I think it’s unfair that he resents me sleeping from 10pm to 3am last night.

AIBU to think I’ve done nothing wrong or is he right?

You can make all the excuses and dress it up however you like the fact remains, taking on a masters that requires you to work 45 hours a week with a 6 week old and a toddler is ridiculous. Then add in to that your Dh is doing 90 minute commutes and full times, still gets up with the baby but you are not even allowing him to feel a little annoyed when he's been up since 3am? You decided to take the masters on not him.
I don't get why your precious career progression is the priority when you have a newborn? Look after your family and put it off for a year or so. I know that's not the 'fuck the patriarchy!' advice you were hoping for but honestly the world won't stop turning and you all might just be a bit happier for it.

Youre basically committing benefit fraud on statutory mat pay. The reason childcare is your responsibility right now is because you are the one being paid by the government to not work and look after them! You sound so entitled.

Your responses to other posters (now I have read the thread) throughout are pretty aggressive - I can see how stress and tiredness contributes to this but why are you having such a hard time seeing that the losers in this situation are your children? Why did you have children at all if you just want to work anyway?

Every day he’s driving three hours a day. Whether he has a full 8 hours or broken sleep it still calculates that he is driving 15 hours a week. And your poor son doing it too.

I used to do the same commute times myself for 6 months and after the first three weeks I was shattered. Absolutely exhausted and I didn’t have a baby to think about or a kid to get to nursery. I eventually left the job because the commute killed me.

But I think the issue is you don’t want us to tell you that YABU. You want us to get angry at your husband on your behalf.

45 hours is ridiculous. I wouldn’t do anything for work for 45 seconds if I was on maternity leave

Just go off mat leave, go back to work and do the masters as part of your work. Just like you would have done if you hadn't gotten pregnant. As you have said this is a work requirement for you to keep your job, just do it as part of your job.

Then your DH can go on parental leave and be home with the kids (although the school won't be happen he is leaving after term has started versus planning this before hand).

Honestly op the way I have read it is you are trying to better yourself for your family. Your dh could have gone to bed earlier as he was aware of his long drive and the fact he's had a bit of childfree time!

I'd let him be snappy as being tired is tough and you'll never win the who's more tired argument. I'd just reply that you totally get it (the petty early mum in me would point out I've been there aswell) Good luck with what you're doing!

Step back for a moment. The current situation clearly doesn’t fit the needs of your family unit.

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable; I think you need to sit down and figure this whole things out properly.

I am not sure whether you're venting or whether you're actually looking for advice.

It sounds like a crazy set up to me but if you and DH are arguing only you two can discuss whether the arrangement is working.

Yes, you are both responsible for your children's childcare, I agree. But you can't say he should take shared parental leave if you've both agreed that he should go back to work. If you want him to take leave as you're the higher earner overall, talk to him about it.

It just sounds like you're both tired. I found the baby + toddler stage really hard and I had a full year's mat leave. I also had a baby that barely slept though.

Good luck!

@SleeplessBeautyy it’s in the financial sector - it’s the course that will give me a practicing license in my field.

DH has the same qualification which he did the year our middle child was born but I did take a full year maternity leave to allow him to study and work at the time.

I naively thought I knew what work was involved and that it would be fine to manage but even just earlier today I’ve been in tears from the pressure I’ve put myself under.

Between the masters, looking after two children, arguing on MN.

No wonder you're knackered!

Teaching is relentless. Pressure at home relentless. I think you need to cut him some slack. Being at home is hard work but not the same as teaching which often gives no down time at all. I even remember that going to the loo at lunch time could involve you in behaviour incidents at school which would take up your lunch break.

No one is being unreasonable here. I think, with kindness, that you both have set yourself up to fail. Regardless of the rights and wrongs you will both be exhausted and this will colour everything. You may have done this before but there wasn't another child in the picture so you both got more rest. I would try to find some way to get help/organise his parental leave/ have you negotiate a delay with your employer on the masters if at all possible. Or else just face up that it's going to be like this because you have created a monumental task for yourself. You may have gone in with the best of intentions and now are facing the reality. If you are doing better on mat pay than study pay can you direct some to help for you both to manage it all?

I took six weeks off, as plenty of mothers do

And most mothers take longer.

I'm sorry, but you make it sound like motherhood is an inconvenience to your career.

OP, I'm in admiration of you having done a Masters with a baby and then doing another Masters with a toddler and a baby!!!

I'm about to start a work qualification myself, whilst also working full time, with 3 kids and a police officer husband that is at work more than at home, and I'm panicking about fitting it all in. So hats off to you OP!

With regards your Dh, I suspect he is just tired. Broken sleep and a long commute is really hard, and he wont have much chance to chill in the day and being realistic here, if you were tired I expect you could take a break with a cuppa for an hour or so which he cannot do.

Personally I think night waking during the week should fall to you in the main because you're not the one driving with a toddler in the car. Just to reduce that risk factor where it isnt a necessity.

Good luck with your Masters OP!!

Would you say that to a man who went back after 6 weeks?

I’d be worried about him driving my child on a long commute with little sleep. I do think it’s more sensible for you to do the night wakings when he’s got to drive in the morning. I guess he’s thinking the same. Also agree it’s not really Mat leave if you’re studying full time, your decision I guess but you might regret not taking this time to devote to your baby.

I know you're not receptive to this, but there is no way a course of study leading to a one off chance at a qualification, failure to obtain which will result in job loss, while on maternity leave, is compliant with employment law. Were you to actually lose your job due to this, it would be a very clear case of discrimination. Honestly your biggest problem is your 'supportive' employer rather than your tired, grouchy, but otherwise, by your own account, very supportive husband.
And yes, I do think you should be doing the nights if he has to drive a distance. It's very dangerous for him otherwise. It's not his fault you are not taking advantage of your maternity leave.

I've sent you a private message of support but from what you've said think your DH was just overtired and lashing out. It sounds like you are both hugely capable and competent people just suffering the inevitable lack of patience born of lack of sleep. I wish you well for your masters and hope your new baby's sleep patterns settle soon. Congratulations on the new addition to the family and to your career progression!

So, it’s far easier to do a master’s with DS in childcare and DD asleep 90% of the time than to do it with a four year old and a one year old who need attention.

Good luck with having a baby that sleeps 90% of the time the whole of your maternity leave.

Surely if the masters is a requirement of your profession and your employer is paying for it then they should be paying for it during work time, not your maternity leave. I don’t even think you can call it maternity leave. It doesn’t sound feasible to be honest.

I agree 100% in relation to the legalities of your situation. What makes it even more unlawful is the fact that, if you didn't coincide it with maternity leave, your employers would stop paying you when you do take it. I'd suggest you and your colleagues get some legal advice and sort this out.

Seconded. You’re amazing and it does sound like he’s knackered rather than angry. Hopefully you can find a solution to the location issue.

Good luck with it all x

I did full time study with two small children. It made me very ill. Other posters have said it all already, but I think you need to reconsider your arrangements before you get sick and all your effort is for nothing

This master’s course is a regulatory requirement of my profession and I have to pass every element on the first attempt or my employment could be terminated

You’re on mat leave. Your employer cannot compel you to work (including training) whilst on mat leave under threat of termination.

They are on extremely dodgy ground legally and are behaving abhorrently from a moral and ethical perspective.

I’m senior in a highly competitive career and I’m usually the first to implore women not to neglect their careers but this is nonsensical.

Not sure if I've read wrong, but from my understanding the OP doesn't HAVE to do it through mat leave, she's chosen to because she also wants SMP because of she takes a year off work to do it, they won't financially cope. She was offered it before she even knew she was pregnant so not sure why the employer is getting it here.

The issues for me here (not that it's anything to do with me!) are I think you will both end up burnt out and it is not safe to drive long commutes with either broken or little sleep.

OP I have read all your posts so will not comment on the choices you're making other than to say you're a braver woman than me....you must be shattered!!

I voted YABU though as it does just sound like your husband is tired and grumpy, which he is entitled to be. You are also entitled to feel tired and grumpy.

With 2 young children and 2 essentially full time jobs in the household you will both be knackered! When I'm tired I get emotional, when my husband gets tired he gets grumpy. Fun!