DH mad at me - AIBU?

[SleeplessBeautyy]

DS is 3, DD is 7 weeks old. DH is a teacher and started back at work last Thursday (8 days ago), so obviously no WFH. I’m on maternity leave but my employer is funding a master’s degree during my maternity leave, which I started last Monday (11 days ago). My master’s degree is mostly WFH. This master’s course is a regulatory requirement of my profession and I have to pass every element on the first attempt or my employment could be terminated. I’m expected for 45 hours per week WFH plus some social/networking events (these aren’t compulsory but it would be very damaging to my career progression not to attend). My employer is very supportive in facilitating the course online and allowing me to bring DD to work events. Our house sale has stalled so DH is currently commuting an hour and a half each way to get to work. DD is home with me 100% of the time. DS started his new nursery today, next to DH’s work so DH is doing the school run on his commute.

In order to cut down on DH’s commuting, he stayed with a friend Tuesday night and Wednesday night (so he left at 6am on Tuesday morning and arrived back yesterday at 6pm). During that time, I was looking after DS and DD, whilst also doing my course. When he got back, I was shattered so when DD woke up last night he looked after her until about 3am when I took over. He left this morning again at just gone 6am with DS.

DH is now mad at me. I’ve been getting one-word responses all day and he’s just said it’s because “DD was just hard work and then I had to get up mad early and drive”. He’s mad that I didn’t look after DD last night.

In general, DH is very generous with his time and energy. He’s never opted out of parenting in any capacity and is very hands-on. With DS, he actually went part-time for a year to look after him. He also very much prioritises my career (as my earning potential is much higher than his) and has stayed in teaching because the holidays and hours are saving us a small fortune in holiday clubs and wraparound childcare. He’s very supportive of my career and hasn’t ever expressed any resentment at all. So, I can’t see any motivation for him to be unreasonable.

However, from my perspective, I’d had both children 100% of the time for 60 hours (and working full-time) whilst he was getting a full night’s sleep, going to the gym, going to the pub etc so I think it’s unfair that he resents me sleeping from 10pm to 3am last night.

AIBU to think I’ve done nothing wrong or is he right?

I wouldn't be happy with my husband driving that long with so little sleep either. It's really dangerous for him and others.

This sounds far too much.

"When he got back, I was shattered so when DD woke up last night he looked after her until about 3am when I took over. He left this morning again at just gone 6am with DS"

Read your own post.

Your post where you said he handed the baby over at 3am and then left at 6am?

YABU - not specifically about last night - that is clearly just both of you being completely sleep deprived and therefore both being grumpy - but you are being ridiculous to pretend you can do 45 hours a week study at Masters level whilst you are looking after a tiny baby and a 3 year old, when you know your dh is traveling 3 hours a day on top of the 10 hours or so of work he is doing each day.

You are just setting everybody up to fail. So YABU

That doesn’t say he got three hours sleep though. She wasn’t awake all night…

Irrespective, you're still letting him do a long commute WITH your toddler on such little sleep? I would question your empathy more than anything else here.

You are in a ridiculous situation. YABU you can’t do 45 hours work a week and look after a 7 week old. Your on maternity leave so I would except DH do some some Friday and Saturday night feeds.

I’m unsure why I’m being unreasonable continuing to do my job but DH isn’t unreasonable for continuing to do his, especially when it was a mutual decision.

BECAUSE YOU'RE ON MATERNITY LEAVE.

The more you post the more I wonder if you are capable/bright enough to do a masters as you are certainly lacking common sense.

AND HE’S ENTITLED TO SHARED PARENTAL LEAVE. Not sure why the capital letters were necessary.

YABU. Your DH had to drive 3 h total in a day while incredibly tired and sleepy. With DS in the car! I just cannot believe what i am reading

The whole set up is pure madness, there is a reason why parental leave exist.
I am working mother and i am all for empowering women etc but this is bonkers.

I’m unsure why I’m being unreasonable continuing to do my job but DH isn’t unreasonable for continuing to do his, especially when it was a mutual decision

Because you're doing it without any childcare. Whether your child is 6 weeks, 6 years or whatever you have zero childcare and you're both working. That's a recipe for disaster.

You or your DH or your son cannot keep up this level of intensity. Your poor son must be woken at 5 am to have breakfast, get washes and dressed. Then have a long day at Nuresry til your DH can bring him home. Your DH is expected to drive an hour and ahlf after a couple of hours, with a 3 year old in the car. The he has to teach all day and drive home. How do you fit in 45 hours a week on your Masters .... that is over 6 hours 7 days a week. You are expecting too much. Your DH is tired. And However, from my perspective, I’d had both children 100% of the time for 60 hours (and working full-time) this supposed to be Maternity Leave. So wrong

Given that no one on here even knows how much sleep he got, it’s a bit absurd that I’m getting attacked for “letting him” (odd phrase because he’s a grown adult too) him to drive.

But why is childcare more my responsibility than his?

You're incredibly defensive because almost everyone has questioned your set up in that it is completely unsustainable.
Your husband hasn't even told you he's mad with you, he's sending you one word responses which is probably an indication of the fact he's knackered as well as you.

You are on maternity leave OP. If you don’t want to be, that’s a totally different discussion. End your maternity leave, go back to work, get your DH to take shared parental leave or get a nanny/put your baby into nursery now. But insisting on doing a full time masters degree whilst in maternity leave is insanity, especially when your husband has a 1.5hr commute each way, can’t WFH and you have two children.

So, to answer your original question, I do think YABU to expect your husband to do much at night when he has 3 hours driving and a full time job. That’s why you are on maternity leave, to look after your baby.

YA both BU to think this set up is sustainable.

he is BU if you have asked him to take shared leave and he has refused.

But he isn't on shared leave. Somebody is supposed to be on leave in order to properly look after your newborn baby, not get another Masters degree. No wonder you're both tired and snappy.

What would your employer have done if you weren't on Mat Leave but had this essential masters to get?

Could you not have deferred the masters? Or the next baby?
It was always going to be unrealistic to do both.

Your DS goes out at 6am ?

He is entitled to parental leave, but you're taking your maternity leave. I guess you could both take time off now together if it would help. It's just that 2 full time jobs + a seven week old and a toddler is very hard to manage, which is why parental leave was invented.

Are you doing the Masters during your maternity leave so you still get some salary or would work pay you to do it anyway since your job depends on it?

I’d be getting a hell of a lot less money because I wouldn’t be getting my maternity pay on top of the master’s funding. Nothing else would be different

Would he be paid to do parental leave though?