DH mad at me - AIBU?

[SleeplessBeautyy]

DS is 3, DD is 7 weeks old. DH is a teacher and started back at work last Thursday (8 days ago), so obviously no WFH. I’m on maternity leave but my employer is funding a master’s degree during my maternity leave, which I started last Monday (11 days ago). My master’s degree is mostly WFH. This master’s course is a regulatory requirement of my profession and I have to pass every element on the first attempt or my employment could be terminated. I’m expected for 45 hours per week WFH plus some social/networking events (these aren’t compulsory but it would be very damaging to my career progression not to attend). My employer is very supportive in facilitating the course online and allowing me to bring DD to work events. Our house sale has stalled so DH is currently commuting an hour and a half each way to get to work. DD is home with me 100% of the time. DS started his new nursery today, next to DH’s work so DH is doing the school run on his commute.

In order to cut down on DH’s commuting, he stayed with a friend Tuesday night and Wednesday night (so he left at 6am on Tuesday morning and arrived back yesterday at 6pm). During that time, I was looking after DS and DD, whilst also doing my course. When he got back, I was shattered so when DD woke up last night he looked after her until about 3am when I took over. He left this morning again at just gone 6am with DS.

DH is now mad at me. I’ve been getting one-word responses all day and he’s just said it’s because “DD was just hard work and then I had to get up mad early and drive”. He’s mad that I didn’t look after DD last night.

In general, DH is very generous with his time and energy. He’s never opted out of parenting in any capacity and is very hands-on. With DS, he actually went part-time for a year to look after him. He also very much prioritises my career (as my earning potential is much higher than his) and has stayed in teaching because the holidays and hours are saving us a small fortune in holiday clubs and wraparound childcare. He’s very supportive of my career and hasn’t ever expressed any resentment at all. So, I can’t see any motivation for him to be unreasonable.

However, from my perspective, I’d had both children 100% of the time for 60 hours (and working full-time) whilst he was getting a full night’s sleep, going to the gym, going to the pub etc so I think it’s unfair that he resents me sleeping from 10pm to 3am last night.

AIBU to think I’ve done nothing wrong or is he right?

So your employer is being "very supportive" in enabling you to study more than full-time during your maternity leave, ie in your own time.

If this masters is a work requirement, how do people normally do it? If you hadn't had this baby, would you have been expected it to do it in the evenings (surely not 45 hours a week) or on work time?

It sounds to me as if there needs to be a bit of rethink. It might all have been doable if the house move had gone ahead, but given that it hasn't, might it not be sensible to postpone or do the masters part-time? I know you probably want the qualification as soon as possible, but there's a reason why maternity leave is an entitlement, and another year is not that big a deal in your whole working lifetime. You won't get the chance to have the time with your little ones again. Your company cannot discriminate against you for reasons to do with maternity, so they can't insist you do it this year.

Yep. In fact, I found out I was pregnant three days after my employer offered this.

Yep. In fact, I found out I was pregnant three days after my employer offered this.

Couldn't you have requested that it was postponed at that point?

People take a year out to do it but we, as a family, can’t afford to live on the master’s funding my employment offers. Doing it on maternity leave means we can afford it because I get the funding and SMP.

I think people are missing the point that the OP is doing the master's while she's on maternity leave as it is better for them financially.

OP is doing 45 hours a week and everyone is telling her she's selfish

I've not used the word selfish but I think it's idiotic to take maternity leave then work 45hrs on top! With no actual plan in place for who cares for the baby who she took the leave for

Yes, I think we cross-posted. But I can’t afford to live off the master’s funding alone. So doubling-up with maternity pay made it possible.

But if the employer is saying she needs to do the (full time) masters as part of her job then they surely have to pay her her salary while she does it.

Your DH has only gone back to work 8 days ago and the situation is already imploding how are you going to keep this up for the whole of your maternity leave. Also an easy 7 week old baby who probably sleeps a lot is going to develop into potentially a crawling, whining, demanding wee person in just a few months, what are you going to do with them then? A play pen in a separate room so they don’t see you and cry to be picked up? This for hours on end, that doesn’t sound great tbh.

This. I'm afraid you have spread yourself too thin. You should both be sharing the load and getting an equal amount of leisure time. I agree that it's shitty of him to get angry with you if the masters was a joint decision, but the truth is that you're both exhausted and have too much on your plate.

It would've been beneficial for any woman to do a masters, I imagine, but there's a reason most don't start one when they're on maternity leave.

This.

I feel sorry for the 3yo.

What are you going to do in perhaps 4 weeks time when your baby is NOT asleep 90% of the time? Newborns do not stay newborns for very long. Before you know it, as you are aware having already had a baby, the baby will be awake for longer and longer periods. It's impossible to study/work efficiently and effectively with a baby at home after they get to about 12 weeks old IMO.

This.

What are you thinking? On top of this the long commute and a toddler. Why would you put yourself through this?

Sorry but they sleep a lot only < 3 months old. After that, they are awake most of the time.

It means you can afford it but don’t have time to do it.

Honestly, you do have to kill yourselves to be successful. That’s the shit reality. Prices are going up and up and up.

I know you are talking figuratively - obviously if you kill yourself success is worth nothing - but if you are feeling this desperate after 11 days you just cannot carry on like this. You do have options. As you point out your DH is entitled to parental leave as you are. You need to breathe. Just getting used to the 7 week old and toddler is hard enough.

I do think your employers are being absolute shits here - if this is driven by them and not you they surely are not acting within the terms of your contract to announce a pay cut for a year while you do training on your maternity leave.

He was probably just really tired and snapped, it sounds like you all have too much going on at the moment

We managed it before

4 month sleep regression is going to absolutely murder you all.

I was using the wording of the person I was replying to. I assumed they meant “overwork” rather than “commit suicide”. I have no intention of harming myself.

Going back to your original question (though I too have questions about the legality of being forced to do a masters), nowhere in your DH's text does he say he's mad at you? just says he's tired?

Why on earth did you have kids? You don't seem to have a chance to enjoy them.

Yes, it was me that said it. I did mean over work but I literally meant kill yourself with overwork. You are in danger of making yourself very ill I think.