DH mad at me - AIBU?

[SleeplessBeautyy]

DS is 3, DD is 7 weeks old. DH is a teacher and started back at work last Thursday (8 days ago), so obviously no WFH. I’m on maternity leave but my employer is funding a master’s degree during my maternity leave, which I started last Monday (11 days ago). My master’s degree is mostly WFH. This master’s course is a regulatory requirement of my profession and I have to pass every element on the first attempt or my employment could be terminated. I’m expected for 45 hours per week WFH plus some social/networking events (these aren’t compulsory but it would be very damaging to my career progression not to attend). My employer is very supportive in facilitating the course online and allowing me to bring DD to work events. Our house sale has stalled so DH is currently commuting an hour and a half each way to get to work. DD is home with me 100% of the time. DS started his new nursery today, next to DH’s work so DH is doing the school run on his commute.

In order to cut down on DH’s commuting, he stayed with a friend Tuesday night and Wednesday night (so he left at 6am on Tuesday morning and arrived back yesterday at 6pm). During that time, I was looking after DS and DD, whilst also doing my course. When he got back, I was shattered so when DD woke up last night he looked after her until about 3am when I took over. He left this morning again at just gone 6am with DS.

DH is now mad at me. I’ve been getting one-word responses all day and he’s just said it’s because “DD was just hard work and then I had to get up mad early and drive”. He’s mad that I didn’t look after DD last night.

In general, DH is very generous with his time and energy. He’s never opted out of parenting in any capacity and is very hands-on. With DS, he actually went part-time for a year to look after him. He also very much prioritises my career (as my earning potential is much higher than his) and has stayed in teaching because the holidays and hours are saving us a small fortune in holiday clubs and wraparound childcare. He’s very supportive of my career and hasn’t ever expressed any resentment at all. So, I can’t see any motivation for him to be unreasonable.

However, from my perspective, I’d had both children 100% of the time for 60 hours (and working full-time) whilst he was getting a full night’s sleep, going to the gym, going to the pub etc so I think it’s unfair that he resents me sleeping from 10pm to 3am last night.

AIBU to think I’ve done nothing wrong or is he right?

You aren't on maternity leave - you are a full time student. How about your DH takes paternity leave? You'd have to give up your mat leave as he can't be on paid paternity leave while you are on paid maternity leave, but you aren't actually on mat leave anyway.

The reason everyone is focussed on the insanity of what you are trying to do and not your question is because what you are tying to do is madness. Not fair on you, your DH, or your kids. If your employer was really that supportive, it wouldn't be trying to double-dip by having you only out of the office for one year doing baby and study, instead of one year with baby, then a second year with the masters. Bet the men don't do what you are doing.

But if you are determining crack on then you need to recognise that both you and your DH are going to be absolutely exhausted for a year, and that will lead to fractious tempers, the occasional row, and both of you feeling that you are the one who is most hard done by. You either have to agree with DH in a calm moment that you know you will both feel like this all year and that you are going to cut each other as much slack as you can, bite your tongue instead of snapping, be very forgiving of one another, and focus on the light at the end of the tunnel in a year.

Also your DH IBVVVU if he agreed to this. One of you has to take a parental leave.

Yes. Shared parental leave has the same entitlements as maternity leave

It isn't more your responsibility, but jointly you both do not have childcare in place.

Either you're on maternity leave to care for the baby, or you're not. And at the moment, you're not. So you both need childcare in place in order to work.

I'm not sure why you're struggling so much to see this...?

So work would expect you to do an effectively unpaid sabbatical to do the Masters you have to get?

Your situation is unsustainable unless you source full time childcare for both children. If you can't afford this then you have to drop some plates, you're setting your whole family up for failure here. Your DH isn't.

So why doesn't your DH take shared parental leave?

Sounds like he drove with 3 hrs sleep ? Not safe or good for anyone

Not unpaid but not enough to support a family on.

Having lost a dear friend due to a driver who fell asleep, I would absolutely make sure my dh got plenty of sleep with such a long commute.

I get it, it's tiring, my dh worked away for 5 years when my two were little. When he came home, I still did all the night feeds as I needed him to be fresh for us nightmare journey practically the full length of the M6.

In general, DH is very generous with his time and energy. He’s never opted out of parenting in any capacity and is very hands-on. With DS, he actually went part-time for a year to look after him. He also very much prioritises my career (as my earning potential is much higher than his) and has stayed in teaching because the holidays and hours are saving us a small fortune in holiday clubs and wraparound childcare.

So, with dc1, your dh stepped back from his career progression.
It seems reasonably fair that with dc2, you do. It is your "turn" if you want to pretend that being pregnant and giving birth and all the hormonal changes in your body can be ignored in this equation.
At least whilst you are on maternity LEAVE <-- clue here in the word

If you feel you "shouldn't have to", then you need to find childcare for your baby (not sure who would take a 3 week old baby) to give yourself a fighting chance of being able to do 9 hours work a day. I mean, anyone who has been there with a 3 yr old and a 3 week old will tell you even that is ambitious, but it would be a starting point as you somehow seem to have completely missed why people have fought so hard for women to be granted maternity leave.

Your really are being ridiculous.

No. I think he went to bed around 10pm, DD woke around 2am I think. He looked after her until 3am when I took over and slept until around 5.15. So he got, I’d estimate, 6:15 sleep last night.

@SleeplessBeautyy the childcare is your responsibility right now as you are technically on maternity leave, even though it seems you're not. Are you in the UK?

I'm entirely with you, OP. If your DH was doing a masters with a young baby no one would be batting an eye.

If he had no childcare they really would bat an eyelid.

But if they expect the Masters, and the Masters is 45hrs per week, then they should be paying you a salary for the time you do it, and you would do it instead of your actual role - or they'd do day release and you'd complete it over time.

Surely it's not actually legal for them to demand you complete work tasks while on maternity leave?

Why even take maternity leave to then work 45 hrs a week? Are you on full pay for the full year?

So why doesn't he take parental leave for a bit ?
Realistically your taking on too much both of you , you have twp children now
You have a fairly young baby that needs time and attention
With both your schedules I wonder what quality time the kids get
Could you afford a nanny or similar help take the burden off a bit

This is too much the masters the commute the 7 week old baby is just two much for any couple to cope with

I agree with this. You are setting yourself up for misery here. Postpone the masters until your baby is old enough to have someone else mind them.

I worked (mostly from home and was able to bring baby with me if I did need to go in) within 2 weeks of my third child being born. I got additional leave at the other end to compensate and it was only for about 3 weeks to a deadline -- it was for a major project that was vital to my section of the firm. I deeply regret it. I remember crying over my computer one night thinking that if I was on regular maternity leave, I'd be asleep or reading my book or looking at my baby without any other pressure.

Seriously do yourself and your marriage a favour and re-think this.

But in that case I'd assume that someone else was looking after the baby full time. I don't think it's a matter of sexism, it's just not sustainable for both parents to work full time with a toddler and a 7 week old baby. I know plenty of couples who have done shared parental leave so the DM can go back to work or study and the DF is at home with the baby. Obviously the alternative is childcare but I doubt you'd find anywhere that would take a baby before 3 months at the earliest.

But he's not taking shared parental leave, hes still going to work. You are on maternity leave. Situation sounds completely unsustainable

Depends. I'd be furious if he took the year off as shared parental leave then found himself 45hrs of work to do instead meaning actually nobody is doing the leave.

Have you planned to take shared parental leave?

Trying to think of any professions that legally require 2 master’s degrees. 🤔

A master while the baby is without childcare? This is the key point.
No one is taking a parental leave here.

This is so wrong on so many levels, it cannot be true. I think OP is trolling.

Yes because his wife would be minding the baby. If dh was doing a masters requiring 45 hours a week while being the main carer for a 7 week old, everyone would bat an eyelid.

YABU.

It's bloody dangerous to drive long distance (or any distance) while tired.

You should of post phoned your masters degree. This is a YOU problem.