DH mad at me - AIBU?

[SleeplessBeautyy]

DS is 3, DD is 7 weeks old. DH is a teacher and started back at work last Thursday (8 days ago), so obviously no WFH. I’m on maternity leave but my employer is funding a master’s degree during my maternity leave, which I started last Monday (11 days ago). My master’s degree is mostly WFH. This master’s course is a regulatory requirement of my profession and I have to pass every element on the first attempt or my employment could be terminated. I’m expected for 45 hours per week WFH plus some social/networking events (these aren’t compulsory but it would be very damaging to my career progression not to attend). My employer is very supportive in facilitating the course online and allowing me to bring DD to work events. Our house sale has stalled so DH is currently commuting an hour and a half each way to get to work. DD is home with me 100% of the time. DS started his new nursery today, next to DH’s work so DH is doing the school run on his commute.

In order to cut down on DH’s commuting, he stayed with a friend Tuesday night and Wednesday night (so he left at 6am on Tuesday morning and arrived back yesterday at 6pm). During that time, I was looking after DS and DD, whilst also doing my course. When he got back, I was shattered so when DD woke up last night he looked after her until about 3am when I took over. He left this morning again at just gone 6am with DS.

DH is now mad at me. I’ve been getting one-word responses all day and he’s just said it’s because “DD was just hard work and then I had to get up mad early and drive”. He’s mad that I didn’t look after DD last night.

In general, DH is very generous with his time and energy. He’s never opted out of parenting in any capacity and is very hands-on. With DS, he actually went part-time for a year to look after him. He also very much prioritises my career (as my earning potential is much higher than his) and has stayed in teaching because the holidays and hours are saving us a small fortune in holiday clubs and wraparound childcare. He’s very supportive of my career and hasn’t ever expressed any resentment at all. So, I can’t see any motivation for him to be unreasonable.

However, from my perspective, I’d had both children 100% of the time for 60 hours (and working full-time) whilst he was getting a full night’s sleep, going to the gym, going to the pub etc so I think it’s unfair that he resents me sleeping from 10pm to 3am last night.

AIBU to think I’ve done nothing wrong or is he right?

My understanding

The employer mentioned this three days before OP discovered she was pregnant. I'll assume this was a planned pregnancy so OP and partner had assumed SMP. So why now can they not cope with the top up of the masters money?

I sort of think neither of you are wrong. Your set up where you both work full time and have no childcare for a small baby is one where you are both going to be tired and stressed and occasionally get ratty with each other. I’m on maternity leave just now and I know the sleep deprivation makes me very goddamned irrational and grumpy from time to time.

i don’t understand at all how you are full time looking after your very young children and also full time working? Look after yourself, good luck and don’t read too much into short text messages

You sound like superwoman and well done on being so driven and energetic. Maybe your DH has less stamina and can’t meet your standards, that’s hard. Maybe you have an employer problem, or maybe you just want to prove you are the toughest, brightest and best. Either way, you clearly feel you need the Masters now. But your children won’t sleep 90% of the time for a year so one of you two, or someone else, has to care for them. Your children have a right to care. If you are both working full time or more, neither of you are meeting their needs for care.

Shared parental leave has the same entitlements as maternity leave

Not full pay though is it? It's at SMP? Since you can't afford to just live off the masters funding and do it when you aren't on ML how could you afford for him to be on parental leave?

Anyway - your posts suggest you've done 2 masters?? One when DS was born and now this one? How many masters do you actually need?

I think he is probably tired too

I have to ask - why are you doing a masters degree on maternity leave???

This is the problem with this thread. Women are supposed to sacrifice everything. He could have taken parental leave. He's chosen not to and agreed to support the op with her masters. I'm sure he can manage his own time. Or do we think men need help with this?

Have a masters (completed with kids), a PhD and have completed a professional qualification with 3 children.

Your current situation sounds completely impossible. Either you or DH has to switch to (at least) part time.

If course having a vagina doesn't make you responsible for looking after the children, but being the person on leave to look after them does usually mean that you do most of it. The problem here is that nobody is actually on leave since you are both effectively working full time with no childcare for a newborn. I just don't see how it can work - and that's on him as much as you since you seem to have come up with this plan together.

It soudns like he couldn't take parental leave as they need his salary, her mat leave pay and her masters funding to make ends meet. If he was on parental leave, she can't get mat leave pay at the same time.

Agreeing with the majority here that your plan is batshit (and at the start of my career with 2 kids, I worked in a job notorious for 100+ hour weeks, while studying for postgrad exams), but the main batshittery here is that your husband is having a long drive with your child in the car.

Even these days, when the hours are much more limited, almost every year that I can remember, a junior doctor has been killed in a car crash while driving home after a run of night shifts, and many many more are involved in accidents. You don't have to do all the nights, but you ought to recognise that he( and your child) is running a bigger risk on little sleep than you are.

Wow

It’s not even remotely fair on your baby to be doing a masters while on maternity leave. You’d be safer hiring a nanny. Your husband is not being unreasonable, this whole situation is insane.

Yea I just don’t think this is safe.

You have to wonder how this is all working out for everyone, don't you?

I’ve read the whole thread including your replies OP. I do think you are being a bit unreasonable - but only a bit. This course was clearly a mutual decision but I think you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. You and your husband are clearly both tired after only a week of this schedule. Time for a rethink?

Aye but the reason she's made this choice is because her employer would cease paying her whilst she's doing the training...even though it's a requirement of the role?? So at least this way she gets mat pay

I think this problem needs to be dealt with at source, i.e. legal advice/consulting the union if you're unionised.

I think PPs have summarised the rest of the situation well enough at this point

I was in the position of wanting to do a Masters but knew I couldn’t fit it in with the children. Set the Masters had to wait because it could be done later but the children could not be brought up later. Those precious as you spend with someone a young cannot be had again

I think the main problem here is that the OP in her initial post, described herself as being on mat leave when actually she is on study leave but happens to have an 11wk (now 12wk) old baby.

It may technically be called mat leave but here it’s being used as paid study leave. Mat leave, which is a privilege that women fought hard for, is supposed to benefit the early development of the baby and the healthy recovery of the mother. Here it is being subverted by the OP and her employer to fund her time doing her masters.

This is why PPs have given you such a hard time OP. It’s the equivalent of applying for a grant to insulate your loft and using the money on a new washing machine. The washing machine may be necessary but it’s not what the grant was for.