DH mad at me - AIBU?

[SleeplessBeautyy]

DS is 3, DD is 7 weeks old. DH is a teacher and started back at work last Thursday (8 days ago), so obviously no WFH. I’m on maternity leave but my employer is funding a master’s degree during my maternity leave, which I started last Monday (11 days ago). My master’s degree is mostly WFH. This master’s course is a regulatory requirement of my profession and I have to pass every element on the first attempt or my employment could be terminated. I’m expected for 45 hours per week WFH plus some social/networking events (these aren’t compulsory but it would be very damaging to my career progression not to attend). My employer is very supportive in facilitating the course online and allowing me to bring DD to work events. Our house sale has stalled so DH is currently commuting an hour and a half each way to get to work. DD is home with me 100% of the time. DS started his new nursery today, next to DH’s work so DH is doing the school run on his commute.

In order to cut down on DH’s commuting, he stayed with a friend Tuesday night and Wednesday night (so he left at 6am on Tuesday morning and arrived back yesterday at 6pm). During that time, I was looking after DS and DD, whilst also doing my course. When he got back, I was shattered so when DD woke up last night he looked after her until about 3am when I took over. He left this morning again at just gone 6am with DS.

DH is now mad at me. I’ve been getting one-word responses all day and he’s just said it’s because “DD was just hard work and then I had to get up mad early and drive”. He’s mad that I didn’t look after DD last night.

In general, DH is very generous with his time and energy. He’s never opted out of parenting in any capacity and is very hands-on. With DS, he actually went part-time for a year to look after him. He also very much prioritises my career (as my earning potential is much higher than his) and has stayed in teaching because the holidays and hours are saving us a small fortune in holiday clubs and wraparound childcare. He’s very supportive of my career and hasn’t ever expressed any resentment at all. So, I can’t see any motivation for him to be unreasonable.

However, from my perspective, I’d had both children 100% of the time for 60 hours (and working full-time) whilst he was getting a full night’s sleep, going to the gym, going to the pub etc so I think it’s unfair that he resents me sleeping from 10pm to 3am last night.

AIBU to think I’ve done nothing wrong or is he right?

The person suffering most by all this is a poor 3 year old child who is dragged out of bed at 5am (obviously needs breakfast, get dressed etc) to leave at 6am then not getting home for 12 hours. Its absolutely shocking, Maybe start putting your Babies first instead of this madness.

But why is childcare more my responsibility than his?

Because you've taken the maternity leave. Which is paid leave specifically to care for a new child for the majority of the week for however many months you take off.

I feel like I've od'd on something the amount of sense this set up (and your responses) is making to me. The whole scenario is fucking batshit.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for DH to be upset at the situation. Whether it’s reasonable for him to target that on you depends on how much each of you pushed for the different elements of this situation and who could have done what to adapt when the house sale fell through.

Are you sure he’s mad at you, though, and not just really tired and tense and not up to writing long answers? In the text you quote he doesn’t say you should have looked after DD all night, just that he’s shattered because he did. When I’m shattered I can be terse with people whether it’s their fault or not.

Who is caring for the 7week old while dh is out working and you are studying 45 hours a week?

100% agree

Because you are on maternity leave. You know the time off work to look after and bond with your child.

He had 3 hours sleep. I would've been pissed off

No he didn’t.

@SleeplessBeautyy 6 hours solid sleep is not the same as 6 hours broken sleep though. I'm sure as a mum of a newborn and toddler you are aware of that though.

How on earth you can you want to work for a company that thinks a masters could and should be done during maternity leave. Your poor children. I'm not surprised your husband is mad at you.

You are quite frankly being ridiculous and selfish really. You are prioritising your career over your children and your family. If this was your plan why on earth have you had another baby?
There is no way it is legal for you to be sacked for not doing a Course whilst on maternity leave. That's a load of rubbish.
I also don't think it's fair you have made your husband do the night when he has to drive and responsible for a class of kids. That should be you and he can give you a break at weekends.

Are you being paid maternity leave and 45 hours WFH? Can you hire some help? Your husband is just tired and stressed. Driving for long periods of time in heavy traffic when sleep deprived is very difficult and scary. I would not take it personally. Try and figure out between you how you can both improve the childcare situation.

Because you've made a choice to go on maternity leave, which normally means that the parent on leave shoulders most of the child care/housework burden. It's difficult to believe that you had to do the degree at the same time, I assume the majority of people in your job don't do that.

Agree - you aren’t getting your stat mat leave. Something is not right.

If her DH was doing a masters while on paternity leave ( if you could get 1 yr of that mind you!) and his partner was working full time, I would certainly bat more than an eyelid.

I completely agree. Illegal to sack you while taking leave you are legally entitled to.

Like others have said the problem here is that you are not on maternity leave but haven't actually put any childcare in place? The whole situation is completely unsustainable and will implode unless you work out a realistic way to do this.

As a side, I’m amazed that you basically working (which is what doing a required masters is, if they would pay some form of salary while you were doing it otherwise and they require that you do it) is legal whilst on maternity leave. The basic rule of mat leave is that as soon as you are working again your Mat leave ends, to stop people and businesses ripping off SMP. Have you actually checked that this set up is legal?

I’m going to stop replying to the posters who are inventing their own exaggerated version of what I said. I didn’t say he got three hours sleep, I didn’t say my baby is three weeks old, I didn’t say I’d be fired if I didn’t do the course. I said there were three hours between me waking up and him leaving. DD is seven weeks old. My employment is terminated if I fail the assessments.

(Subject to KIT days, before anyone comments on that.)

Studying isn’t work and you’re perfectly entitled to do it whilst claiming SMP. You could also be self-employed whilst claiming SMP from an employer I believe.

No, she's made a choice to go on maternity leave whilst doing a master's.

My employment is terminated if I fail the assessments.

So, why didn't you either postpone the masters or the baby?

Is that money really worth the cost to your older child of seeing neither parent for 12 hours a day, and the extremely limited attention you must be giving to the baby?

HE DIDNT GET ONLY 3HRS SLEEP!!

Sorry for shouting but read the OP properly people. OP said he GOT UP with baby UNTIL 3am when OP then TOOK OVER. He then LEFT THE HOUSE at 6am.

So presuming her went to bed at 10pm got up with baby at 2am and then went back to sleep at 3am for a few hours he could've had around 7 hours sleep.

phew.