DH mad at me - AIBU?

[SleeplessBeautyy]

DS is 3, DD is 7 weeks old. DH is a teacher and started back at work last Thursday (8 days ago), so obviously no WFH. I’m on maternity leave but my employer is funding a master’s degree during my maternity leave, which I started last Monday (11 days ago). My master’s degree is mostly WFH. This master’s course is a regulatory requirement of my profession and I have to pass every element on the first attempt or my employment could be terminated. I’m expected for 45 hours per week WFH plus some social/networking events (these aren’t compulsory but it would be very damaging to my career progression not to attend). My employer is very supportive in facilitating the course online and allowing me to bring DD to work events. Our house sale has stalled so DH is currently commuting an hour and a half each way to get to work. DD is home with me 100% of the time. DS started his new nursery today, next to DH’s work so DH is doing the school run on his commute.

In order to cut down on DH’s commuting, he stayed with a friend Tuesday night and Wednesday night (so he left at 6am on Tuesday morning and arrived back yesterday at 6pm). During that time, I was looking after DS and DD, whilst also doing my course. When he got back, I was shattered so when DD woke up last night he looked after her until about 3am when I took over. He left this morning again at just gone 6am with DS.

DH is now mad at me. I’ve been getting one-word responses all day and he’s just said it’s because “DD was just hard work and then I had to get up mad early and drive”. He’s mad that I didn’t look after DD last night.

In general, DH is very generous with his time and energy. He’s never opted out of parenting in any capacity and is very hands-on. With DS, he actually went part-time for a year to look after him. He also very much prioritises my career (as my earning potential is much higher than his) and has stayed in teaching because the holidays and hours are saving us a small fortune in holiday clubs and wraparound childcare. He’s very supportive of my career and hasn’t ever expressed any resentment at all. So, I can’t see any motivation for him to be unreasonable.

However, from my perspective, I’d had both children 100% of the time for 60 hours (and working full-time) whilst he was getting a full night’s sleep, going to the gym, going to the pub etc so I think it’s unfair that he resents me sleeping from 10pm to 3am last night.

AIBU to think I’ve done nothing wrong or is he right?

but your work are requiring you to do it and would normally pay people a (reduced) salary to do it. And will sack you if you don’t do it. Sounds a lot like work to me. Are they claiming SMP for you while making you do a work required course?

So unless I've misread/misinterpreted it sounds like:

You did your first Masters with a baby but your DH went part time at work. You did very well but your job didn't depend on you doing well.

You NOW have a seven week old plus a 3 year old and are starting a Masters which require 45+ hours work a week and if you don't pass you will lose your job. You're doing this on maternity leave so you can pay your bills and so you don't have any childcare for the baby. Your H is now teaching full time and your 3 yr old is getting used to having a sibling.

I'm not surprised you're both knackered and tetchy. I am quite sure you are a very high achiever but you don't have to actually kill yourself to be successful.

OP, I'd be a bit terse in your DH's shoes, as tired and grumpy. But I don't understand how you're in this position. If I have it right, you've chosen to do the degree while on maternity leave for financial reasons. Fair enough, but then you (both of you) need childcare for both children. Yes, he's entitled to shared parental leave, but he hasn't taken it: neither of you is available for child care for two children, and of course it's unsustainable and you're both going mad. Child care is work, it takes time and resources and energy. No reasonable employer could possibly expect this, so either you have an unreasonable employer and need to look for a new job, or you've done this to yourselves and need to reconsider your plans.

By the way, I'm completely in awe and admiration for you OP - a second masters whilst on maternity with a baby and toddler? Wow.

As someone who champions careers over everything, I am absolutely gobsmacked at your situation.
You're saying you are being attacked, you must understand that although you may think there is nothing wrong with your setup, it's actually pretty appalling what you're both putting yourselves through.
You have a 7 week old baby. 7 weeks. Chill out. Relax. If you can fit in 45 hours a week of work then your baby must be an absolute dream to look after which means your time off should be even better for you to take a break and enjoy not doing anything work related.
Or. Your DP should take leave.

You both cannot possibly think that putting yourselves through this is healthy in any way.

For context my DD was a horrid sleeper and constant breast feeder so I never slept more than 3 hours a night for the first 10 months and I couldn't even put her down for more the 10 minutes because she had MANY feeding issues that caused pain.
My exDH at the time drove a van for a living and would leave for work at 5:30am. I never ever expected him to do a night. He didn't complain that the house wasn't showhome tidy because he knew how hard work dd was. And I never complained that he had a full night's rest before work. I wouldn't be able to live with myself If something happen while he drove.

You may think people are being over dramatic, but we are highlighting that your DP being short with you or miffed over last night is an absolute nothingness of a problem. Your situation is too unhealthy for you both. This is where resentment can begin.

Can you afford to.hire a.nanny for a couple days a week for DD to help take the pressure off while you are studying?

OP, I think people aren't seeing the wood for the trees.

The fact of the matter is he had 2 nights of full sleep and and you hadn't, so you absolutely deserved that sleep between 10-3am. That's not even a full night's sleep.

He was running on a 2 night full tank of sleep, you weren't so it made sense for you to sleep.

Why on earth are you doing a masters with a 7 week old baby?? Honestly please try and postpone

You’re both knackered and grumpy. No one wins. Frankly, the combination of the tiny children, ridiculous commute and therefore nights away and a high stakes masters is a bit of a recipe for disaster. It’s too much to
do. It might be physically possible but it won’t be pretty. I suspect a reassessment is needed if you don’t want more arguments like this.

I didn’t say I’d be fired if I didn’t do the course

My employment is terminated if I fail the assessments

Meanwhile, your work is getting money from the government to pay you while you are doing a Masters & they will sack you if you fail. Presumably they don't usually get this money while people are off doing Masters.

Because baby’s come out after nine months whether you ask them to stay in or not. And because, given that I have to do the master’s, if I waited a year then we’d see a 70% cut to my income which means we could afford childcare whilst I’m doing my master’s anyway. So, it’s far easier to do a master’s with DS in childcare and DD asleep 90% of the time than to do it with a four year old and a one year old who need attention.

This is clearly an unsustainable and poorly thought out arrangement.

A parent should be home with the children and concentrating on the new born baby. If it was decided between you and your DH that it was you, then you should be doing it. If your argument is that your DH could have taken time away from work then I would just ask what discussions and plans were made when this situation was planned?

Feel sorry for all of you, sounds miserable and unachievable. But mostly feel sorry for the kids who have found themselves in this madness.

Is your husband doing shared paternity leave then?

The poor bloke is shattered and looking after a class full of children all day which is exhausting and travelling 3hrs a day, he is allowed to be tired and grumpy

YABU - you are on maternity leave. He isn't on any kind of leave from work.

This! They cannot make you do a master's or sack you whilst you are on apparent maternity leave. That's more hours than a full time student for maternity pay?

I think at the very least your H needs to take some of his parental leave while you are getting into the swing of things. It will cost you a few months the other end but you will be used to it by then.

Because baby’s come out after nine months whether you ask them to stay in or not. And because, given that I have to do the master’s, if I waited a year then we’d see a 70% cut to my income which means we could afford childcare whilst I’m doing my master’s anyway. So, it’s far easier to do a master’s with DS in childcare and DD asleep 90% of the time than to do it with a four year old and a one year old who need attention.

But this isn't actually working though, is it OP? It's not easier. Your family is at breaking point.

Sorry but I think YABU. You've put your whole family in a very stressful and tiring situation, especially your older child. If you couldn't have afforded your lifestyle on your reduced salary maybe you should have postponed having the 2nd child.

So your employer sprung the requirement to do the master's on you when you were already pregnant?

If this situation is real, OP, you could take it to an employment solicitor and absolutely clean up.

Sort of. I stayed home with DS whilst doing masters for the first year. After that, DH went part-time for a year whilst I was back at work full-time.

Honestly, you do have to kill yourselves to be successful. That’s the shit reality. Prices are going up and up and up.

He is working 45 hours a week and staying out two nights a week whilst enjoying the gym and pub and no one is batting an eyelid.

OP is doing 45 hours a week and everyone is telling her she's selfish.

Are you at least doing half of the hours on Saturdays and Sundays while dh is home with the kids? That means you can spread the remaining 18 hours or so across the week?