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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson joining my sons school

395 replies

Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 18:43

I have a DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15

DP moved in with me and Monty when Monty was 5 so has been the main father figure to his life ( his bio dad is not in the picture ). DP is involved in Boone’s life but because his bio mother lives so far away joint Custody was never a option.

Boone’s bio mother has had a offer for a job in another country and it would be crazy for her not to take it (she will be away for 3 years but will come back for periods of time) and the original idea was for Boone to come with her but last minute he has had a change of heart and Doesn’t want to go anymore so of course me and DP offered for him to stay at ours until she’s back (we do live 5 hours away from Boone’s house so he will have to move schools either way)

Both boys only have 3 months between them so Boone will be in Monty’s year at school which Monty is not best pleased about. He’s complained about having to share a room with Boone (we have a 3 bedroom house and my DD needs her own room) and I think having to take Boone “under his wing” is making DS annoyed which I’ve questioned why and he doesn’t have a reason why not he just doesn’t he said.

Both boys don’t know each other well (they have seen each other at Christmas and DP’s family get togethers) but do know each other kind of well Just not in a brotherly way of course.

Boone is staying at ours no matter what and everyone else is happy about it, am I being unreasonable expecting Monty to be okay with this (I get this is a massive change for everyone) he’s just acting like this will “ruin his life” and I don’t want Boone to have to feel unwelcome in our home.

OP posts:
XmasElf10 · 07/09/2022 18:45

That is a HUGE change for your so . Giving up his privacy at home and school… that would be really hard. Doesn’t mean it isn’t the choice that needs making but you are totally lacking empathy.

Original poster
Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 18:47

@XmasElf10 im definitely feeling empathetic for Monty and I know this is a massive life change but it is going to happen no matter what and I don’t know what else I can do about it

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 07/09/2022 18:47

Of course he feels put out. He has to share his room, share his family and share his school/friends. It is a lot to take on at a tricky age. You need to support him through it and not just expect him to get on with it.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/09/2022 18:51

Agree Monty needs more empathy from you.

"I understand its hard for you, when StepDad came into our life it meant that Boone is part of our family too and now it's time for us to step up and be who he needs but I understand its a huge change for us all and esp as you'll be sharing a room and a peer group"

Also he's probably worried that with SteoDads REAL BIO son in the picture permanently, SteoDad won't need or love hi ma's much so SteoDad also needs to do some reassuring. He doesn't just get to ignore Monty now so that Boone feels loved. They're both just kids.

Does DD have the smallest room? Can Montys room be partitioned or otherwise give them both privacy (sharing will presumably be a change for Boone too)

He doesn't need to look after him at school. He must be GCSE year so presumably they'll be in different subjects, different steams etc. Expecting him to babysit some kid he isn't close to isn't fair. Showing him the ropes, yes.

Pumperthepumper · 07/09/2022 18:52

Why don’t the boys have a good relationship?

Penguinfeather781 · 07/09/2022 18:52

I think you expect an awful lot of him - really how would you have felt in his position? He’s suddenly got to share his bedroom with a virtual stranger and on top of that his Mum expects him to share his friends etc as well. Obviously your dp needs to provide a home for his son, there’s good adult reasons why this needs to happen, but I don’t blame your son at all for not really caring about all that. He’s probably making the biggest sacrifices of all of you to accommodate your stepson, of course he’s going to be more upset than eg his sister.

Fireflygal · 07/09/2022 18:55

You should ask your son what hd needs to feel comfortable. Why does he have to go to the same school?

Can you consider moving/extending or creating separate space for each boy.

Making teenagers feel unsettled is not a wise move as it's a time when they could be rebellious.

I think you have to offer your son some choices...what if he really hates it, are you just going to force the change?

vodkaredbullgirl · 07/09/2022 18:57

Love the names lol.

JustLyra · 07/09/2022 19:01

Honestly, as someone who has successfully blended a family for nigh on 20 years now you are expecting way too much of both boys.

Do you have a dining room you can turn into a bedroom for you and DH? Or a sofa bed in the living room?

Rushing them together like that is an absolute recipe for disaster. Your son will feel like his step brother has taken his room, his school, his friends and everything from him. Your step-son will feel like he’s a spare part sharing his step-brothers room, school and friends.

PeekAtYou · 07/09/2022 19:01

You need to empathise with Monty. How would you like it if your h had a family member of his move in and share a room with you? How would you feel that you had to get along with this person because your h cares about them?

It will be strange for Monty but hopefully Boone will pick different subjects or is a different ability so won't be in many classes. Is the school big? My son's school is 240 pupil entry so it's not a case of everybody knowing everybody. There will be people that Monty walks home with that notices Boone but if they have different friends then it will hopefully be a small deal? Are the boys alike in temperament? Eg is one sporty and the other creative ? That's another reason why they might end up with different mates.

StripeyDeckchair · 07/09/2022 19:02

Do the boys have to go to the same school?
It's a huge change for your son - basically he doesn't get a break from your step son with sharing a room & being in the same school year.

You need to acknowledge this and try to reduce the impact on him

Hankunamatata · 07/09/2022 19:04

Is a different high school an option? I'd also consider splitting the room if at all possible.
They arnt siblings in the sense if growing up together. My 14 year old would hate it.

Ihatethenewlook · 07/09/2022 19:05

This is such an unreasonable thing to do I honestly don’t even know where to start 🤦🏼‍♀️

nachoavocado · 07/09/2022 19:07

Monty is your son. You must show him nothing will change that. He must feel so pushed out

nachoavocado · 07/09/2022 19:08

StripeyDeckchair · 07/09/2022 19:02

Do the boys have to go to the same school?
It's a huge change for your son - basically he doesn't get a break from your step son with sharing a room & being in the same school year.

You need to acknowledge this and try to reduce the impact on him

Yes if it is at all possible send them to different schools or ask if they can be in seperate houses at the least if they do that.

FlumpyLump · 07/09/2022 19:08

Either partition the biggest bedroom or give up your bedroom and have a sofa bed downstairs instead of thrusting this change upon your son who doesn't have a choice in the matter.

BigYellowElephant · 07/09/2022 19:09

My god your poor son!! How awful for him! I would put stepson in a different school, and/or give up my own room and sleep in the lounge so they could have separate rooms. Your plan is an absolute recipe for disaster

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 07/09/2022 19:11

Yes different schools or at least different forms. Talk to the school about how they can best manage the situation.

CheeseSaltDelicious · 07/09/2022 19:12

Yabu. That is such a huge change I don't blame him. I'd be looking at a seperate school or at least ask about a different class in the year group and giving up your bedroom and moving onto a sofa bed so they can each have their own room or some kind of partition wall.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 07/09/2022 19:13

Yes going for dividing the biggest room would help even if you and dh need to move into the second biggest.

Original poster
Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 19:13

@SleepingStandingUp how you phrased that was really helpful thank you 😊

I don’t think he is worried about his dad (he knows how much he lives him and the issue seems to be more with school and bedrooms)

Bedroom wise both are quite small rooms so separating it would make both sides very hard to have a bed and clothing unit in.

i did word that wrong of course he won’t look after him but they will need to walk to school together with monty’s friends until he settles in more (there’s no point driver as it’s a 10 minute walk at most). Schools been finalised and Boone has his time table to start in 2 weeks and is in a few of monty’s classes

OP posts:
Slopey · 07/09/2022 19:14

Ask school if they can be kept apart in lessons. I would seriously consider putting them in different schools if possible, to give them some space from each other, but I guess you have ruled that out.

I would expect your son to be very angry and YWBU to expect him to keep that all in. I'm not sure how helpful it is to remind him that he has no choice in this.

ancientgran · 07/09/2022 19:14

StripeyDeckchair · 07/09/2022 19:02

Do the boys have to go to the same school?
It's a huge change for your son - basically he doesn't get a break from your step son with sharing a room & being in the same school year.

You need to acknowledge this and try to reduce the impact on him

I second this. I have a sibling who is not quite a year older than me. We went to different senior schools which I loved, hated having no life away from family at primary by year 6 so the new schools were great.

KarmaStar · 07/09/2022 19:14

I agree you are expecting way too much here.you keep saying it's happening so he has to accept it but it is his home ,surely he has a say here?
if your dd has the smallest room then ok but if not she should give here up for the two boys but to be honest you should be looking at converting another room as a bedroom for dss asap perhaps his bio mum can contribute towards this?an annex,attic room or using dining room if necessary.
neither boy will want friends forced on them.
empathy from everyone involved,sit down and let all involved have their say without dismissing what they feel.

Magnanimouse · 07/09/2022 19:15

Yes, this is devastating to a teenager! And the motive, most likely, is the idea that someone else who can report back to his family will be cramping his style! They are different people (not necessarily worse ... just different!) in school and out and about and this is a massive imposition.

But things happen in life that we can't avoid. There's not really a reasonable way out of this or much choice for you, so he does have to live with it. Do all that you can to create "space" for both boys in their own ways and be sensitive to both sets of feelings.