Stepson joining my sons school

[Sunnymother1]

I have a DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15

DP moved in with me and Monty when Monty was 5 so has been the main father figure to his life ( his bio dad is not in the picture ). DP is involved in Boone’s life but because his bio mother lives so far away joint Custody was never a option.

Boone’s bio mother has had a offer for a job in another country and it would be crazy for her not to take it (she will be away for 3 years but will come back for periods of time) and the original idea was for Boone to come with her but last minute he has had a change of heart and Doesn’t want to go anymore so of course me and DP offered for him to stay at ours until she’s back (we do live 5 hours away from Boone’s house so he will have to move schools either way)

Both boys only have 3 months between them so Boone will be in Monty’s year at school which Monty is not best pleased about. He’s complained about having to share a room with Boone (we have a 3 bedroom house and my DD needs her own room) and I think having to take Boone “under his wing” is making DS annoyed which I’ve questioned why and he doesn’t have a reason why not he just doesn’t he said.

Both boys don’t know each other well (they have seen each other at Christmas and DP’s family get togethers) but do know each other kind of well Just not in a brotherly way of course.

Boone is staying at ours no matter what and everyone else is happy about it, am I being unreasonable expecting Monty to be okay with this (I get this is a massive change for everyone) he’s just acting like this will “ruin his life” and I don’t want Boone to have to feel unwelcome in our home.

[nachoavocado]

@Sunnymother1

@SleepingStandingUp how you phrased that was really helpful thank you 😊

I don’t think he is worried about his dad (he knows how much he lives him and the issue seems to be more with school and bedrooms)

Bedroom wise both are quite small rooms so separating it would make both sides very hard to have a bed and clothing unit in.

i did word that wrong of course he won’t look after him but they will need to walk to school together with monty’s friends until he settles in more (there’s no point driver as it’s a 10 minute walk at most). Schools been finalised and Boone has his time table to start in 2 weeks and is in a few of monty’s classes

You need to speak to the school and ask if that can be changed. I can't believe you let this happen to your son.

[nachoavocado]

@Sunnymother1

Me and DP are considering splitting our bedroom up for Monty and Boone and us moving in monty’s room but this will take a few weeks to be completed

In the meantime Boone needs to sleep elsewhere then. You can't force basically strangers to share a room.

[RisingSunn]

This is a HUGE ask of your son.
If possible don’t move stepson into your son’s room at all.

DH and you move to the living room for those few weeks. Sofa bed or not.

Then partition the larger room as you have already suggested.

[Stripedbag101]

Why do you talk about Boone staying at yours like he is a guest. It is his dads home. Surely he is coming to live with you?

is your daughter boones half sister? How much effort have you made up until now to integrate Boone?

it sounds like you are taking on an exchange student - but this is boones dad house - it should be his home.

[PopPopPopP]

How old are Monty and Boone?

[Stripedbag101]

It’s the opening line of OPs first post

[CheeseSaltDelicious]

@PopPopPopP

How old are Monty and Boone?

"DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15"

[Sunnymother1]

@Unexpecteddrivinginstructor DS walks with his two best friends and with my DD and her friend and both don’t seem to mind so I can’t not get Boone to go with them

[Goldbar]

YABVU. You're expecting Monty to essentially share not only his room but his entire life with Boone. When does he get any time or space away from him? Not at school, not at home.

Couples who have chosen to be in a relationship together get more space from each other.

[ClocksGoingBackwards]

This is exactly the sort of thing that leads to adults having sour relationships with their parents. You need to give up your room before making your son have someone move into his. It’s your DHs responsibility to give up space, not your sons. Privacy is too important to teenagers.

[PopPopPopP]

@CheeseSaltDelicious

"DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15"

Sorry missed that! It's a tricky age OP!!

Please please don't put them in a room together or make Monty take any responsibility for Boone. They need to be in separate rooms from the start, even if Boone (or even better, you and DH) is on a mattress in the lounge til something more.permanent can be arranged

[SpeckofDustUponMySoul]

Poor Boone moving into this shit show of a situation.

[nachoavocado]

@Sunnymother1

@Unexpecteddrivinginstructor DS walks with his two best friends and with my DD and her friend and both don’t seem to mind so I can’t not get Boone to go with them

Yes you can. You just won't for some bizarre reasons just ask dad to walk with Boone for the first day while he finds his way there.

[nachoavocado]

Not exaggerating but Monty may never forgive you if you don't put him first as your own son.

[Sunnymother1]

@Stripedbag101 they lived 5 hours away so made it hard for DP to visit with his 9-5 job but he always goes in the holidays to see him - Boone went on our family holiday a few years ago but the boys were about 10 so got on fine. We used to go on little family days out at a beach and it’s near boone’s house so we would pick him up on the way but after covid we haven’t gone back to the beach

[SleepingStandingUp]

@Sunnymother1

@Unexpecteddrivinginstructor DS walks with his two best friends and with my DD and her friend and both don’t seem to mind so I can’t not get Boone to go with them

I think it's reasonable to get THEM to do this, Monty and Pythinia. They all walk together, Boone is joining them.

Have yo u asked both kids if there's any concerns, anything they're worried will change, anything on their mind? Even if he isn't fully aware, I wouldn't assume he isn't at least a little concerned about being pushed out of the nest as a Cuckoo. Esp with you and Dad rushing to accommodate Boone, as you rightly should be. Just make sure that channel of convo is open for now and once he's here.

[lunar1]

This is just awful for both boys. They need their own rooms from day 1 if they are going to be at school together.

[MaryDerry]

Where does Boone stay when he's over at yours?

I know a family where a son had to move in with their dad, step mum and her 2 sons urgently. DH'S son was the same age as Stepmums eldest. Aged 12.
They coped well tbh at school, effort made to be in different classes. They have different interests ans parents ensured this was encouraged. They're 17 now and do hang out together at times. They have a good relationship.
They have always had separate rooms. That space is really important to both of them.

Monty has someone invading his life. Boone has got the majority of his life being removed - friends/school/home.

[Needmorelego]

I am feeling very sorry for Boone.
If his mother had died rather than just moving abroad would you (and your son) be so heartless about him coming to 'stay' (ie LIVE) with his father.
Would you say "sorry but my son doesn't want to share his room and be in the same school so I guess he will have to go into foster care".
I'm sorry but you and your son are selfish.
The 2 boys don't have to be friends, share friends, share out of school activities. They can basically have nothing to do with each other except share a bedroom (like gazillions of siblings do).
Poor Boone.

[NerrSnerr]

I agree with PP. You can order an air bed online and have it tomorrow and you can sleep in the living room while you get a decent sofa bed.

I'd give your son the choice whether he gets your room or keeps his current room. Then they both have proper bedrooms with proper walls and doors so they have their privacy. Unfortunately you and your husband will have to take the hit for this one I think.

[BadNomad]

What is there for your son to be happy about? He's losing his room and privacy. Being forced to share space with a stranger. A stranger whose mother is happy to leave him behind for 3 years with a father he barely sees and a family he has never been a part of. It's horrible.

[ManateeFair]

I feel sorry for both boys. The school thing is the least of the issues here. Making a couple of teenagers who barely know each other share a bedroom just at the age when they really want their privacy is horrible for both of them. Monty has to give up his privacy and his space and Boone is being uprooted at a really tricky point in his education, friendships etc. I appreciate there is nothing you and your DP can do about this - it’s not like you’re responsible for Boone’s mum’s career choices - and of course he should be with his dad if he can’t be with his mum. So YANBU to have Boone move in, but YABU to expect Monty, or indeed Boone, to pleased with the arrangement. They barely know each other, and there is no reason why they’d be expected to have a brotherly (or even friendly) relationship, any more than two boys with no family connection would.

[Stripedbag101]

@Sunnymother1

@Stripedbag101 they lived 5 hours away so made it hard for DP to visit with his 9-5 job but he always goes in the holidays to see him - Boone went on our family holiday a few years ago but the boys were about 10 so got on fine. We used to go on little family days out at a beach and it’s near boone’s house so we would pick him up on the way but after covid we haven’t gone back to the beach

This is so sad. Poor Boone. He didn’t really get a dad. And his dad was being dad to monty. Not money’s fault but Boone got a really crappy deal on the dad department.

i really hope it wasn’t your husband who moved away. I get he couldn’t drive every weekend - but it doesn’t sound like he even went once a month. And the trips to the beach???? So if he was doing. Something nice for your family he would go the area and collect Boone but it was too much of a drive just for Boone.

poor Boone. Years of therapy to get over that one.

[KnickerlessParsons]

So Boone and Monty (are those their real names?) will be together in school all day and have to share a room all evening as well?
It's not going to work - you're going to have to do a loft conversion or extension, or move.

[CookieCoo]

Of course he’s upset. Who would want to share their bedroom with an interloper??

Also teenagers want to choose their own friends, not have hangers on.

The situation is entirely negative for your son! What’s the upside? Less privacy, less space.