Stepson joining my sons school

[Sunnymother1]

I have a DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15

DP moved in with me and Monty when Monty was 5 so has been the main father figure to his life ( his bio dad is not in the picture ). DP is involved in Boone’s life but because his bio mother lives so far away joint Custody was never a option.

Boone’s bio mother has had a offer for a job in another country and it would be crazy for her not to take it (she will be away for 3 years but will come back for periods of time) and the original idea was for Boone to come with her but last minute he has had a change of heart and Doesn’t want to go anymore so of course me and DP offered for him to stay at ours until she’s back (we do live 5 hours away from Boone’s house so he will have to move schools either way)

Both boys only have 3 months between them so Boone will be in Monty’s year at school which Monty is not best pleased about. He’s complained about having to share a room with Boone (we have a 3 bedroom house and my DD needs her own room) and I think having to take Boone “under his wing” is making DS annoyed which I’ve questioned why and he doesn’t have a reason why not he just doesn’t he said.

Both boys don’t know each other well (they have seen each other at Christmas and DP’s family get togethers) but do know each other kind of well Just not in a brotherly way of course.

Boone is staying at ours no matter what and everyone else is happy about it, am I being unreasonable expecting Monty to be okay with this (I get this is a massive change for everyone) he’s just acting like this will “ruin his life” and I don’t want Boone to have to feel unwelcome in our home.

You’ve made all these decisions what looks to be without even consulting your year 10 ds. I get the school move was needed urgently. But your ds needs his own space. I agree this could really affect your relationship with your ds permanently. I also feel sorry for your dss. Both boys could be heavily impacted in 2 very important years.

There is no way they should be expected to share atm. For now, all you need to do is to take your mattress downstairs and prop it up against the wall in the day. Boone can sleep on the single bed in your room if you dismantle the base.

I think you seriously need to reconsider the sleeping arrangements.

While you are sorting out splitting the room, Boon should have your room and share with your DP and you sofa or share with DD. Or you buy a second hand or in stock of a bed as a temp measure for you and DP. The boys need their own rooms regardless of how you do it.

It is a massive change for your son to start sharing a room with someone he barely knows as a teenager and you are being really unreasonable to not consider this. You and DP should be the ones put out of place whilst you put in place a long term solution

**Second hand or in stock sofa bed

So she should tell Boone he can't possibly study Georgraphy at GCSE because that's MONTHYS subject? Or sorry, he needs to go in a lower set in maths because that's MONTHYS class? Dont be ridiculous. He's a kid too, this isn't his fault either and his life has been turned inside out too.

You just have to sort the bedroom out OP, as a matter of absolute urgency.

Everything else - he’s got to suck up. But any teenager would fucking keel over at the thought of suddenly having to share like that, at that age.

It’s a total invasion of his privacy and his home as a refuge. It’s the absolute worst way to start off their relationship.

I know you are planning to split your room now, so make that happen or convert the loft or get a garden room. If you can’t sort something out then I’d say DSS has to go with his mum because you simply don’t have room.

I amazed you thought you were being empathetic and didn’t see this.

DP moved in with me and Monty when Monty was 5 so it's your house? And is DD your DD or your shared DD?

If Monty and DD are yours only then maybe DP needs to think about renting somewhere with Boone and then you can start the process of blending properly rather than some sort of horrible mess just becuase mum has done a runner.

Poor Monty. I really feel for him. I have a 14-year-old DS and I know he would be utterly miserable if this situation happened to him - not only losing his room/privacy (teens really need somewhere to decompress and hang out), but having the same kid who's in his space at home also in his class, knowing his business. I feel for Boone too actually, because this must all be VERY difficult for him too, although it was at least his choice - Monty had no say whatsoever. Please split your room and let them both have their own space. It's the least you can do.

But OP hasn't said he shouldn't share, and he is in the same school. If anything, op is doing everything she things the step son needs and expecting her son to just suck it up.

No but there needs to be something done. There will be more than one class for GCSE geography. It won't be good for Boone either. I'm not sure which I feel most sorry for.

TBH that sounds like you’d better start saving for Monty’s therapy bill.

am I being unreasonable expecting Monty to be okay with this so yes basically you are being unreasonable

Depends in the size of the school or what classes overlap. There may be no where else for Boone to fit in and op DEMANDING that her son can't possibly be in a class with his step bro isn't going to wash.

It’s a huge shock for your son, and no doubt for stepson too, his mother going away for 3yrs. My children’s dad does similar - 3yr postings, it’s not easy for the kids to go 3 months without seeing him. Personally in her position if my son didn’t go neither would I, but that’s not the question. But I guess expect the boat will be rocky no doubt over the next few years

Dunno, would you fancy some co-worker you didn’t really know well suddenly sharing a bedroom with you and having to shepherd them around work too and show them the ropes and share work space with them too?

I do agree tho op that the boys do need their own space. Is moving an option? They're year 10 so realistically the boys will be there together another four years.

You can't make them share a room - you and dp should move into the sitting room.

We've done it to give our kids their own room and it was fine.

Forcing them to share a school and a bedroom would be a massive disaster.

Jesus your poor boy.

In his mind hes lost his 'dad', his room, his mum (because you're just disregarding his feelings), and possibly his friends if 'Boone' muscles in (which wouldn't be a surprise given hes clicked his fingers and upheaved your DS's life)

You need to give up your room and Boone needs to make his own way to school. Support your son ffs

I feel desperately sorry for your DS

She's had an amazing work opportunity, she hasn't done a runner. And it was presumably accepted when she thought Boone was going too so it's not ike it was a ploy to dump her kid

Ah yes that's true boone was going to go with her. Sorry. Apologies to Boone's mother who has done nothing wrong here.

You can't make them share a room - you and dp should move into the sitting room.

We've done it to give our kids their own room and it was fine.

Forcing them to share a school and a bedroom would be a massive disaster.

this

I would do this too. And have moved to less favourable spots to free up space for people.

Me too, I kept thinking of lost every time I saw Boone

I haven't said she should DEMAND it have I. I've said to ask if that can be changed. If it can't then they'll have to deal with it. Maybe ask if they can be sat at opposite ends of the classroom if there's a seating plan or something.

Boone should go with his mother and give it a try. Meanwhile, you can put plans in place for if he ends up with you after all.
It's an awful thing to do to your son, take away every scrap of privacy. You just can't. You'll have to camp downstairs if the worst comes to the worst. And make sure school knows to keep them in seperate classes etc.

Has Boone always been the alpha child?

I think people are being a bit harsh on this thread. I think you’re really trying to do the right thing and being accommodating (more than most) but like other’s have said it’s tricky. I would be distraught at 15 to have someone ‘take away’ my space - it’s a really tough age to be a human existing in the world. I don’t think you should be on an air mattress downstairs necessarily but would it be possible to convert the dining room into Boone’s new bedroom? That way there’s less upheaval and everyone kinda sorta has their own space and Monty would feel less intruded upon. I’d maybe ask what his opinion is and what he feels would be fair? Good luck anyway, I think your heart is in the right place.

I feel sorry for Boone as well but the rest of your post is just ridiculous because it's based entirely on hypotheticals that haven't happened. Boone's mum isn't dead so it's entirely irrelevant. You could just as well say 'What about if Boone was trans shouldn't he be allowed to share with DD instead?' or 'What if Monty had been bullied by a boy called Boone before can't you see how traumatising that would be?'

Plus the whole point is they aren't siblings. They are not blood related, and they aren't even step siblings who have grown up together. From the sound of OPs updates Boone has never stayed with them before. They've been on holiday together 5 years ago, that's it. They are pretty much strangers. Again, would you be happy to share your bedroom and house with the new colleague at work for the next 3 years?

Nothing to do with each other except share a bedroom (so at least 8/9 hours bare minimum each day), go to school together (8 hours a day), walk there and back, spend time with friends, and stay in the same house together, spend weekends together, eat every meal at home together, go on holiday together for the next 3 years, etc etc....

Boone has definitely had a shit time here with a dad who barely bothered to see him for 10 years because he 'had a 9-5 job' (Wtf?) but at least he got the choice to move in, so has some agency. Monty has had all this imposed upon him with no choice at all.