Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson joining my sons school

395 replies

Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 18:43

I have a DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15

DP moved in with me and Monty when Monty was 5 so has been the main father figure to his life ( his bio dad is not in the picture ). DP is involved in Boone’s life but because his bio mother lives so far away joint Custody was never a option.

Boone’s bio mother has had a offer for a job in another country and it would be crazy for her not to take it (she will be away for 3 years but will come back for periods of time) and the original idea was for Boone to come with her but last minute he has had a change of heart and Doesn’t want to go anymore so of course me and DP offered for him to stay at ours until she’s back (we do live 5 hours away from Boone’s house so he will have to move schools either way)

Both boys only have 3 months between them so Boone will be in Monty’s year at school which Monty is not best pleased about. He’s complained about having to share a room with Boone (we have a 3 bedroom house and my DD needs her own room) and I think having to take Boone “under his wing” is making DS annoyed which I’ve questioned why and he doesn’t have a reason why not he just doesn’t he said.

Both boys don’t know each other well (they have seen each other at Christmas and DP’s family get togethers) but do know each other kind of well Just not in a brotherly way of course.

Boone is staying at ours no matter what and everyone else is happy about it, am I being unreasonable expecting Monty to be okay with this (I get this is a massive change for everyone) he’s just acting like this will “ruin his life” and I don’t want Boone to have to feel unwelcome in our home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 19:15

@Fireflygal only school that would be advalible for Boone to go to as it’s only a 10 minute walk and my other children go there (other school is 40 minutes away by car)

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 07/09/2022 19:15

He’s a teen - my son doesn’t want his twin sister joining his school. I can’t believe you are not showing empathy for your son.

Fullyhuman · 07/09/2022 19:17

JustLyra · 07/09/2022 19:01

Honestly, as someone who has successfully blended a family for nigh on 20 years now you are expecting way too much of both boys.

Do you have a dining room you can turn into a bedroom for you and DH? Or a sofa bed in the living room?

Rushing them together like that is an absolute recipe for disaster. Your son will feel like his step brother has taken his room, his school, his friends and everything from him. Your step-son will feel like he’s a spare part sharing his step-brothers room, school and friends.

Agree. You need a sofabed for you and DH and each kid gets his own room, someone gets your/DH’s wardrobe in their room if necessary. If you want to set them up for successful relationships.

HopelesslyHopeful87 · 07/09/2022 19:17

Speaking from experience please don't do this. Particularly moving stepson into your sons bedroom.

As a family we were in a position where we had to move my dps teenage daughter in with us. We had no space but her mother had beat her and SS were involved so she had to come here. Her and my DD knew each other and already went to same school (only a year between them) and had spent time with us as a blended family so not exactly the same situation but putting stepdaughter into my dds bedroom caused such a divide. My DD felt so pushed out no matter how much reassurance I gave her, it caused a massive rift in the family. Stepdaughter ended up going back to her mum after a year but my DD has never been the same and it was the worst mistake as a parent I've ever made and I have so many regrets. At the time I couldn't see any other option but in hindsight it was a big mistake.

Stepdaughter has asked to come back since and I've flatly refused for the sake of my DD.

Op please think about your son and his space and privacy and security within the family unit. You will unwittingly remove all of this from him within one split decision.

TiddleyWink · 07/09/2022 19:17

BigYellowElephant · 07/09/2022 19:09

My god your poor son!! How awful for him! I would put stepson in a different school, and/or give up my own room and sleep in the lounge so they could have separate rooms. Your plan is an absolute recipe for disaster

This. In spades.

You’re vastly underestimating the effect of this on your son and tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if he never forgives you. For a teenager to have a virtual stranger move into their much needed private space and basically piggyback onto his life…and you’re just acting like it’s nothing. Im speechless.

Pull your head out and find a solution which involves housing both boys appropriately (in their own bedrooms) or you may as well kiss goodbye to family harmony and potentially your relationship with your son. Putting him into the same school is bad enough but in his bedroom is just outrageous. You seem to genuinely have no understanding of what a massive horror this is for a teenager and their stability. Honestly, what are you thinking?

Poetnojo · 07/09/2022 19:17

I cant even imagine how I'd feel if I had this imposed on me as a teen, your poor son. Is there any possibility of different schools? Or could you convert an attic to make another bedroom?

ancientgran · 07/09/2022 19:18

Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 19:13

@SleepingStandingUp how you phrased that was really helpful thank you 😊

I don’t think he is worried about his dad (he knows how much he lives him and the issue seems to be more with school and bedrooms)

Bedroom wise both are quite small rooms so separating it would make both sides very hard to have a bed and clothing unit in.

i did word that wrong of course he won’t look after him but they will need to walk to school together with monty’s friends until he settles in more (there’s no point driver as it’s a 10 minute walk at most). Schools been finalised and Boone has his time table to start in 2 weeks and is in a few of monty’s classes

Why do they need to walk to school together? A 15 year old can manage a ten minute walk by himself. If your son wants to dash off by himself let him, he needs some control of his life.

Tigofigo · 07/09/2022 19:18

Could you take the smaller room and divide yours?

Could you change eg dining or living room into a bedroom? If your kitchen isn't tiny

You're asking an awful lot of Monty.

Original poster
Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 19:18

Me and DP are considering splitting our bedroom up for Monty and Boone and us moving in monty’s room but this will take a few weeks to be completed

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 07/09/2022 19:20

This sounds awful for both boys tbh. I would make sure they have separate rooms, however that is achieved.

ElegantlyTouched · 07/09/2022 19:20

I think you're being terribly cruel to your son, especially as he's told you he's unhappy and you're ignoring him. At least he can move out in two years, I suppose.

Why can't you and dp get a sofa bed for the lounge and sleep there, even for a while until you see how the land lies. Yes, it disadvantages you but you're the adults. Plus you need to look to move to a bigger house asap.

MotherOfPuffling · 07/09/2022 19:21

Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 19:18

Me and DP are considering splitting our bedroom up for Monty and Boone and us moving in monty’s room but this will take a few weeks to be completed

This sounds like a really good idea. Good luck to you all.

NiceBaps · 07/09/2022 19:21

You can get a camp bed to sleep in in the living room for those weeks until the room division is completed. At worst, can your DH sleep with his DS and you sleep with one of your DCs until then? Poor kids.

Shiningstarr · 07/09/2022 19:22

Hmm... I feel sorry for Monty. Especially having to share his room. How old is he? Definitely not a great idea.

Tollystar · 07/09/2022 19:22

You are asking Mumsnet too late! You should not have enrolled him at same school, and you should have split the bedrooms ahead of him moving in!

Original poster
Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 19:22

@ancientgran he needs to walk with Monty for the first few days so he knows the way (is used to the area) and so he can get to his first class on time - this is only temporary until Boone knows the way

OP posts:
InsertPunHere · 07/09/2022 19:23

Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 19:18

Me and DP are considering splitting our bedroom up for Monty and Boone and us moving in monty’s room but this will take a few weeks to be completed

That is the bare minimum you need to do. Forcing the boys to share a (quite small) room means they never get any respite from one another and will be at each other’s throats within weeks.

You need to arrange the furniture to partition the largest room as much as possible (eg a ‘wall’ of wardrobes facing opposite directions) and get them their own spaces as the highest priority.

EbbyEbs · 07/09/2022 19:24

Your poor son. This would have destroyed me as a teenager.

saraclara · 07/09/2022 19:24

Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 19:18

Me and DP are considering splitting our bedroom up for Monty and Boone and us moving in monty’s room but this will take a few weeks to be completed

It's a start. But Jeeze, it really does seem that you've only given the minimum thought to what this is going to do to Monty (and before long, to both).

I can't stress enough how dreadful this is to do to a child if this age. Boone got a choice. Monty didn't. He no longer has his own room, his privacy, his school life away from home, and risks losing his friends to Boone. At best he has to share them, but there's every chance that some night decide they prefer Boone. Sharing his dad of course...

Seriously, I feel so much for that kid.

Original poster
Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 19:25

@Tollystar This has been a very sudern change -and we only found out about it about a week ago so have been rushing things as fast as we could
we have a spare bed that was monty’s old one so putting that bed in Monty’s bedroom is the easiest solution right now - even a sofa bed will take a while to be ordered and delivered

OP posts:
CheeseSaltDelicious · 07/09/2022 19:25

Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 19:22

@ancientgran he needs to walk with Monty for the first few days so he knows the way (is used to the area) and so he can get to his first class on time - this is only temporary until Boone knows the way

Can't either of you? That's a lot for boys that don't even know each other that well. Take some of the pressure off. Start working on the room divide and take the school pressure off.

FarmGirl78 · 07/09/2022 19:25

Kids get a bedroom each and you and hubby have a (plush, decent) sofabed in the living/dining room. Then the weight of the change isn't just on poor Monty.

latetothefisting · 07/09/2022 19:25

I think you're making a mistake focussing on the school issue - I'm sure if Boone was moving with his mum to the same area (but still living with her), Monty wouldn't be bothered about being asked to walk with him to school and introduce him to people - it's more the fact that you are pretty much expecting him to spend every hour every day with this random boy he barely knows. It's really shit expecting him to have to share a (small) bedroom with him, but he can't even get some freedom with his friends or at school. You really, really need to rethink this. If Boone's mum is on such a good deal at work, perhaps she needs to give you some money to convert the attic or something, maybe get one of those insulated offices in the garden with electricity so one of the boys can at least have somewhere of their own to go to, even if they can't sleep there in winter, or if you rent, look at moving to a 4 bed.

You're being really harsh to say 'everyone else is happy about it.' Yeah because nobody else is really having to make any sacrifices, it's all DS. Ask DD how happy she would be if she had to move in with her brother so DSS had his own room. You and DH don't seem to be 'happy' enough to do the bare minimum of moving out of your room so the 3 kids can have some privacy.

How would you like it if the government had demanded you take in, for example, a ukrainian refugee, or your work said the new starter had to move in with you for the next 3 years?

btw I'm not sure if you've given them fake names for the purpose of posting but just in case they are their real names I'd ask for the post to be edited - so many MN posts get stolen by journalists now the one thing that would make this worse would be for them to read this in the daily mail!

ElegantlyTouched · 07/09/2022 19:26

Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 19:22

@ancientgran he needs to walk with Monty for the first few days so he knows the way (is used to the area) and so he can get to his first class on time - this is only temporary until Boone knows the way

Can the poor boy not use a map? Could his father not show him the way? If he can't work out how to navigate a new school at his age there's something wrong.

He is NOT your son's responsibility.

Castleheights · 07/09/2022 19:28

They need separate schools, it’s too much to expect for him to she’s his whole life with a person he hardly knows. Just because his parents say so.
They need their own room too, even if you forgo a dining room.
They need space and time to build a relationship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread