Stepson joining my sons school

[Sunnymother1]

I have a DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15

DP moved in with me and Monty when Monty was 5 so has been the main father figure to his life ( his bio dad is not in the picture ). DP is involved in Boone’s life but because his bio mother lives so far away joint Custody was never a option.

Boone’s bio mother has had a offer for a job in another country and it would be crazy for her not to take it (she will be away for 3 years but will come back for periods of time) and the original idea was for Boone to come with her but last minute he has had a change of heart and Doesn’t want to go anymore so of course me and DP offered for him to stay at ours until she’s back (we do live 5 hours away from Boone’s house so he will have to move schools either way)

Both boys only have 3 months between them so Boone will be in Monty’s year at school which Monty is not best pleased about. He’s complained about having to share a room with Boone (we have a 3 bedroom house and my DD needs her own room) and I think having to take Boone “under his wing” is making DS annoyed which I’ve questioned why and he doesn’t have a reason why not he just doesn’t he said.

Both boys don’t know each other well (they have seen each other at Christmas and DP’s family get togethers) but do know each other kind of well Just not in a brotherly way of course.

Boone is staying at ours no matter what and everyone else is happy about it, am I being unreasonable expecting Monty to be okay with this (I get this is a massive change for everyone) he’s just acting like this will “ruin his life” and I don’t want Boone to have to feel unwelcome in our home.

So we’re back to the boys sharing then?

you’ve changed your story so many times, you sure you’re not just making all this shit up?

It sounds like boone has had a rough childhood - let down by unstable Parents and now living with virtual strangers.

I truly hope you are right that you husband is no longer a danger to the children. And I truly hope this works out for all three children.

ideally you need an extra bedroom - but that isnt easy. Make sure boones mother pays child support.

And it seems odd extraordinary measures were required to protect boone from people associated with his dad. Why could his dad not just cot out the people who were a threat to his son?

I am imagining he must have been a gangster or drug dealer! If for example he was living with another adult who was a peadophile he could have simply moved out to protect his child. And why would he want to live with such people in any case?

@EbbyEbs there are so many options that are possible but all have downsides - now Monty has seen dottie’s room separated he thinks this will work out fine - it’s been a rush since we have only had a 2 weeks to prepare

@Stripedbag101 I really can’t go into detail
but DP wasn’t the issue himself but he couldn’t take himself away from that situation for a while due to circumstances

You haven’t had only two weeks to prepare, this young man has, or should have been, part of the family unit in some way since his Father moved in with you 9 or 10 years ago.

His Father should have stepped up earlier to undertake his share of access and care over weekend and holiday visits in the very least.

Oh well, just crack on with it then. Do update us in 6 months time and tell us how it’s going. I dare say it will make for an interesting read.

It’s crazy that you’re ignoring how many people who have experience of your situation are telling you this is a bad idea

Keeping your bedroom at the expense of your children will come back to bite you in the arse. Especially with how little time Boone has spent in your house.

you should be starting all three children on an equal footing. Not doing so will cause you problems in the future.

Good luck. I think you’ll need it.

And it seems odd extraordinary measures were required to protect boone from people associated with his dad. Why could his dad not just cot out the people who were a threat to his son?

None of the adults here are willing to make any kind of sacrifice for their children.

Boones mother has left us in a difficult situation and has been like that often - but she is a lovely women

No. She's not a lovely woman. Lovely women (and men) don't abandon their children so they can piss off to the other side of the world in order to shack up with a partner they've known 5 minutes.

Hey Sunnymother1, I hope it all goes well for all of your family. I just want to encourage you, and maybe summarise for those who don't read everything before sharing their opinions.

It sounds like you have: 1. Listened to Monty's feelings (and maybe the MN crew) and also really thought about Boone, who is vulnerable. 2. Found a way to split a room up sufficiently well so that it is almost 2 separate rooms, so that Monty is now happy to share with Boone 3. This last one I'm not affirming - you
considered putting a 14 year old boy in with his younger sister. You decided not to but it shouldn't have even been considered - it is illegal over age 10.

Also, whilst people can't imagine what sort situation could align with your claims about why your partner couldn't see his son (but could see yours), none of us have the knowledge or responsibility for those decisions other than you. I think you'll have made the best decision you could at the time.

As I said, all the best. And do keep in mind that you and DP may still need to give up and divide your room in the future if the current plan didn't work.

You've got this!

It is NOT illegal to have opposite sex children over 10 sharing a room 🙄

So you managed to separate Dottie's room within 24hrs but separating your own wasn't possible as it would take weeks and weeks? Or even separating Montys?

The only reasonable thing you should have done from the start is given up your own room.

You're the only ones in this whole sorry mess who aren't giving up anything. Selfish.

I think OPs drop feed has explained why the dad wasn’t involved in Boones life for such a long time.

it sounds like the dad was in some sort of horrendous situation that he refused to get out of so he could see he very young child. If the courts stepped in and agreed that not even supervised contacts was safe it must have been bad.

my instinct is that parents will move heaven and earth to maintain a relationship with their child. This dad clearly has a lot of demons and I am doubling down that the distance can’t explain the breakdown in the relationship. It was absolutely dads fault.

OP clearly isn’t listening to any advice or responses - after all these replies we’re back to the boys sharing a room and Monty having to walk the lad to school. Can’t understand why she even bothered asking.

Is Monty really OK with this or have you told him its this or sharing with his sister and he's gone ok then..

By the sounds of it Monty was told “you either share your bedroom or you lose it entirely”

You're correct, I was looking at the preview of a page and it isn't quite true. However it would be statutory overcrowding if there's no way to avoid opposite sex children from sharing a room and they are both over 10 (commonslibrary.parliament.uk/does-the-law-set-an-age-at-which-children-cant-share-a-bedroom/).

There are some good tips in here, nonetheless:
www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/sharing-a-bedroom/#legal

I think almost all teenagers would MUCH prefer to share with a sibling than in effect a stranger so I am not so against the forcing the natural son in with his full sibling - much better than sharing with the step son although it is very hard to be fair here.

Very top of my whole list here would be protecting the natural son's GCSE exams/year, academic standards and not having anything at home that disrupts his life chances forever. So if the step son is stopping the natural son doing well at school for example then I would step in right away and ideally get the school to put them into different classes eg most schools will have two English sets not just based on ability and they could ensure the two boys do not share the same classes. If the natural son does an hour of homework every night in total silence in his room then ensure that is preserved every night even if the little sister has to be constantly entertained in a room other than her bed room and that kind of thing.