Stepson joining my sons school

[Sunnymother1]

I have a DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15

DP moved in with me and Monty when Monty was 5 so has been the main father figure to his life ( his bio dad is not in the picture ). DP is involved in Boone’s life but because his bio mother lives so far away joint Custody was never a option.

Boone’s bio mother has had a offer for a job in another country and it would be crazy for her not to take it (she will be away for 3 years but will come back for periods of time) and the original idea was for Boone to come with her but last minute he has had a change of heart and Doesn’t want to go anymore so of course me and DP offered for him to stay at ours until she’s back (we do live 5 hours away from Boone’s house so he will have to move schools either way)

Both boys only have 3 months between them so Boone will be in Monty’s year at school which Monty is not best pleased about. He’s complained about having to share a room with Boone (we have a 3 bedroom house and my DD needs her own room) and I think having to take Boone “under his wing” is making DS annoyed which I’ve questioned why and he doesn’t have a reason why not he just doesn’t he said.

Both boys don’t know each other well (they have seen each other at Christmas and DP’s family get togethers) but do know each other kind of well Just not in a brotherly way of course.

Boone is staying at ours no matter what and everyone else is happy about it, am I being unreasonable expecting Monty to be okay with this (I get this is a massive change for everyone) he’s just acting like this will “ruin his life” and I don’t want Boone to have to feel unwelcome in our home.

[vipersnest1]

I feel sorry for your son, but really take exception to your reference to his 'bio mother'. She's his mum.

[Dishwashersaurous]

Move your bed into the living room tonight. Or sleep on the floor. Anything but make your son share his room.

And he absolutely completely doesn't need to be responsible for the other boy. His father can walk him to school or he can use Google maps. He is nothing to do with your son and not his responsibility.

You are utterly completely minimising how awful this is for your son.

[Castleheights]

You need to give up your own bedroom.

[JustLyra]

@Sunnymother1

@ancientgran he needs to walk with Monty for the first few days so he knows the way (is used to the area) and so he can get to his first class on time - this is only temporary until Boone knows the way

No, he doesn’t have to.

this is what you need to avoid - when Boone needs something it shouldn’t fall to Monty to provide it.

Your DP needs to do the walk with Boone over a week, or take a day off for his first day and walk with him.

if you default to things like that being Monty’s job you’re setting yourselves up to fail.

[ElvisLeftTheBuilding]

You do sound completely lacking in empathy! Your poor son now has to share his mum and step-dad's time and attention, share his bedroom, share his friends and school. He will have no privacy and space to unwind. And you are just "he should get on with it". It'll be equally difficult for the other boy, are you more sympathetic with him?
I hope you changed the boys' names for this post, and also, his "bio mum" is just simply his mum!

[EbbyEbs]

How come Boone gets to call all the shots? The way your son will see it:

Boone - “right, I’ve decided I’m moving in with you, I’m going to take half of your bedroom, all of your friends and the attention of your parents. Btw you will be walking to and from school with me too and nobody cares how you feel about it so shut your mouth and get your stuff moved to make room for all mine”

[Snugglemonkey]

I agree with lots of posters that this is a disaster for Monty and your job is to mitigate it. The room thing is a total non starter. If you need to sleep on an inflatable bed in the lounge until you have made adequate provision, that is what you must do, but shoehorning these boys into each other's lives without them having space to retreat to is a recipe for disaster.

Ideally, separate schools would better, but I would speak to school about the importance of both boys having personal space and request that they share as little as possible in terms of classes. I think that is a secondary issue to the home set up though.

Monty needs a LOT of reassurance from your DH.

[ElegantlyTouched]

How would you like it if the government had demanded you take in, for example, a ukrainian refugee, or your work said the new starter had to move in with you for the next 3 years?

What about an attractive female refugee who had to share your bedroom, be fully integrated into your family life and worked in your office?

(I say "attractive female" because I suspect your son feels a similar threat of your DP's son taking his father, friends and other family as you would in the above situation.)

[Unexpecteddrivinginstructor]

Could your dd be responsible for showing him the way to school as ds is already in some classes? As it was his choice to move could he take the sofa for a week or two while you arrange the room division?

[Isthisreasonable]

Boys need separate rooms from the start. Put Boone in your room and you sleep downstairs on an airbed if necessary until you sort a permanent solution.

[EbbyEbs]

This has pissed me off so much, that poor boy. If I was him I’d outright refuse to walk Boone to school. It’s NOT his responsibility. What would he do if Monty started college this September? You’d have to find another way then.

OP - YOU sacrifice YOUR bedroom, YOU or DH walk Boone to school. But I guess that would all impact YOU too much, right?

Unbelievable. I really hope Monty kicks off big style and refuses to go along with this shit show.

[rookiemere]

@Sunnymother1

@Tollystar This has been a very sudern change -and we only found out about it about a week ago so have been rushing things as fast as we could
we have a spare bed that was monty’s old one so putting that bed in Monty’s bedroom is the easiest solution right now - even a sofa bed will take a while to be ordered and delivered

Just because it's the easiest solution doesn't mean it's the right one.

[britneyisfree]

This is so ridiculous.

You or your partner need to get Boone to school until he learns the way. You are ruining any chance of them actually becoming friends by enforcing this.

Also as pp's have said, you and dp need to give up your room immediately and sleep on the couch. This is your problem not montys.

I think you are in for a shock once your dp has his son living with him. The relationship between him and your son will naturally change, no two ways about it. Listen to your sons concerns and support him from the outset so you can make this work.

[JustLyra]

@Sunnymother1

@Tollystar This has been a very sudern change -and we only found out about it about a week ago so have been rushing things as fast as we could
we have a spare bed that was monty’s old one so putting that bed in Monty’s bedroom is the easiest solution right now - even a sofa bed will take a while to be ordered and delivered

Taking the easiest option for you will come back to bite you in the future.

your son is already telling you he’s not happy with this. For the sake of you all listen to him.

order a sofa bed and pick up a camp bed (you can get them anywhere) and you and DP have sofa & camp bed until the sofa bed comes.

Do not sacrifice those two boys for the benefit of the adults.

[lunar1]

You and your husband need to go sleep downstairs, this doesn't take weeks to sort. You are damaging any chance they have of being friends.

Walking to school would be fine on it's own, but what you are doing is absolutely suffocating.

[Isthisreasonable]

When you rearrange the bedrooms Monty must get first choice of bedroom. If he's not got any say in everything else that's being dumped on him this is the very least you can do to offset all his sacrifices

[BowiesJumper]

Agree that they need separate bedrooms from day 1. You guys go on blow up mattresses in the living room until you sort something better. And his dad should walk him to school the first day (not saying he should go all the way to the gate!). It’s a big change for both of them and you need to be more mindful of that. Don’t ruin their relationship before it’s properly started.

[ancientgran]

@Sunnymother1

@ancientgran he needs to walk with Monty for the first few days so he knows the way (is used to the area) and so he can get to his first class on time - this is only temporary until Boone knows the way

For a ten minute walk his dad could walk it with him once and he'd be fine. At 11 I was sent off to get bus into the city and a bus out to my new school that I'd been to once by car. I found this great method, spot people in the same uniform and follow them, should be easy if the next nearest school is 40 minutes by car.

I do think this is all be geared up for Boone and Monty is just being left to lump it. I know it is a big change for Boone but he had a choice, Monty hasn't been given any choice.

You still haven't said if you have a dining room.

[EbbyEbs]

@Isthisreasonable

When you rearrange the bedrooms Monty must get first choice of bedroom. If he's not got any say in everything else that's being dumped on him this is the very least you can do to offset all his sacrifices

By OPs tone I’d be surprised if Monty got first choice of bedroom. That honour will go to Boone because nobody cares what Monty thinks. As long as everyone else is happy

[ittakes2]

Amazon delivers blow up beds next day kids are ok to spend a bit of time on a blow up bed

[Clymene]

This is not Monty's problem to solve. You and your partner created this mess, you need to fix it.

And that means moving out of your room now and putting in a temporary screen to separate. It means your partner takes his son to school and picks him up and gets him settled in.

Ideally they should go to different schools but if that's not possible for logistical reasons, then they need to be separated as much as possible.

Boone moving into your children's home suddenly shouldn't affect your son any more than it does your daughter.

[itsgettingweird]

I agree with sleeping

It's probably not just the idea of gaining a Ft brother but scared the position his brothers dad has had in his life will change.

I would talk to him. Reassure him as far as SD is concerned nothing has changed about his feelings towards them. Point out how lucky he's been to have him in his life and that his SB is also his son and he has to realise they have to share that love ( I wouldn't word it as such but ultimately he's had his dad almost to himself)

Partitioning room would be good or even do you have a dining room you could convert?

Of course you're right this has to happen. And good on you for totally embracing your DSS and recognising his dads part in his life.

[PopPopPopP]

Poor old Monty. As if sharing his room wasnt enough, he can't escape dear Boone as he also has to go to school with him.

Do you have a dining room you could turn into a bedroom? Or a lounge big enough to partition off a bit to give a box room for Boone?

[Stripedbag101]

This is crap for both boys.

I agree with the comments sympathising with monty.

but Boone! How do the boys not know each other well? How much time has your husband spent with Boone over the years? Surely they share a room for months already? Does Boone really only see his dad at Christmas?

they have been step brothers for a decade. Your son thinks of boons dad as his own dad?

[nachoavocado]

@Sunnymother1

@ancientgran he needs to walk with Monty for the first few days so he knows the way (is used to the area) and so he can get to his first class on time - this is only temporary until Boone knows the way

No. He doesn't need to. I feel so sorry for your son. Protect your son.