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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson joining my sons school

395 replies

Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 18:43

I have a DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15

DP moved in with me and Monty when Monty was 5 so has been the main father figure to his life ( his bio dad is not in the picture ). DP is involved in Boone’s life but because his bio mother lives so far away joint Custody was never a option.

Boone’s bio mother has had a offer for a job in another country and it would be crazy for her not to take it (she will be away for 3 years but will come back for periods of time) and the original idea was for Boone to come with her but last minute he has had a change of heart and Doesn’t want to go anymore so of course me and DP offered for him to stay at ours until she’s back (we do live 5 hours away from Boone’s house so he will have to move schools either way)

Both boys only have 3 months between them so Boone will be in Monty’s year at school which Monty is not best pleased about. He’s complained about having to share a room with Boone (we have a 3 bedroom house and my DD needs her own room) and I think having to take Boone “under his wing” is making DS annoyed which I’ve questioned why and he doesn’t have a reason why not he just doesn’t he said.

Both boys don’t know each other well (they have seen each other at Christmas and DP’s family get togethers) but do know each other kind of well Just not in a brotherly way of course.

Boone is staying at ours no matter what and everyone else is happy about it, am I being unreasonable expecting Monty to be okay with this (I get this is a massive change for everyone) he’s just acting like this will “ruin his life” and I don’t want Boone to have to feel unwelcome in our home.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 08/09/2022 16:27

She took him to court to say no contact? If that's true, then there must be a serious reason for why they said contact shouldn't be allowed between father and son.

CrabbitBastard · 08/09/2022 16:30

Could you convert a garage or a loft so one of the boys still gets their own space?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/09/2022 16:30

As far as stepmother double standards go, no. I think OP would be perfectly entitled to say no in this situation and choose instead to prioritize her children. but how do you define prioritising? If she says Boone isn't allowed to come, her DH has to reasonably move our and find somewhere for him, splitting up the parents of Gertrude and also removing the man Monty considers a father. Monty is old enough to know that "Dad" left because he didn't want to share a room ro school with Boone and possibly Gertrude will understand that too. Gertrude may decide she wants to to be split between both parents as she has a half bro on both sides so Monty will also have it on his conscience that Gertrude isn't home full time because of him and Mom is sad because of him. Not saying it would be MONTYS fault, just that he'd feel guilty. There's no winner in the parents living apart either.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/09/2022 16:32

Sunnymother1 · 08/09/2022 16:23

@Willyoujustbequiet my DP wasn’t aloud contact with Boone (boones mother took it to court) she finally allowed contact when Boone was 10 so he has not been able to be there for him

So was wasn't allowed to be around his own son for 5 of the years he was living with yo u and your son?

Original poster
Sunnymother1 · 08/09/2022 16:34

@TrashPandas I don’t want to disclose the situation with DP and why his contact with Boone got cut of (it’s a private matter) but what was once the problem is not a problem anymore and will never be so his mum allowed him to have contact when the situation got resolved

OP posts:
britneyisfree · 08/09/2022 16:35

Interesting she wouldn't allow him near his son for five years and now is packing him off to live with him!

TrashPandas · 08/09/2022 16:40

Well this is alarming. Poor Boone. Poor Monty.

EbbyEbs · 08/09/2022 16:45

TrashPandas · 08/09/2022 16:40

Well this is alarming. Poor Boone. Poor Monty.

Could be that he was a drug addict/alcoholic but isn’t anymore?

Luckynumbereight · 08/09/2022 16:46

Poor Monty!

TrashPandas · 08/09/2022 16:47

EbbyEbs · 08/09/2022 16:45

Could be that he was a drug addict/alcoholic but isn’t anymore?

Show quote history

I doubt it. The bar for courts blocking all access is shockingly low - even men who've physically abused their children often get supervised access.

TrashPandas · 08/09/2022 16:47

I think I meant shockingly high? I'm tired and can't word.

EbbyEbs · 08/09/2022 16:47

TrashPandas · 08/09/2022 16:47

I doubt it. The bar for courts blocking all access is shockingly low - even men who've physically abused their children often get supervised access.

Show quote history

Ah, that’s worrying then 😞

Phonecalll · 08/09/2022 16:54

EbbyEbs · 07/09/2022 22:25

So it’s all sorted then … Monty has lost his bedroom entirely, Dottie now has to share a room with a teenage boy but hey … OP, DH and Boone all have their own rooms so “everyone” is happy

This is exactly how I've read it tbh.

No idea how they've reached the conclusion of both Monty losing his room entirely and Dottie now having to share with her brother is the best option for everyone.

Sounds like it's the best option for everyone but Monty and Dottie.

I really think this situation is going to cause friction between all 3 teens.

Basically Monty has now been kicked out of his room entirely so some kid he barely knows can have it.

Heaven forbid OP and her partner be the ones disadvantaged.

Stripedbag101 · 08/09/2022 16:57

Sunnymother1 · 08/09/2022 16:34

@TrashPandas I don’t want to disclose the situation with DP and why his contact with Boone got cut of (it’s a private matter) but what was once the problem is not a problem anymore and will never be so his mum allowed him to have contact when the situation got resolved

What a drip feed😂

dad had huge problems which stopped his access to his son. During that time he had access to your children.

this gets stranger and stranger.

heathspeedwell · 08/09/2022 17:19

It's totally inappropriate for two opposite sex half siblings to share a room.

Please don't do this, there must be a better solution.

whumpthereitis · 08/09/2022 17:31

SleepingStandingUp · 08/09/2022 16:30

As far as stepmother double standards go, no. I think OP would be perfectly entitled to say no in this situation and choose instead to prioritize her children. but how do you define prioritising? If she says Boone isn't allowed to come, her DH has to reasonably move our and find somewhere for him, splitting up the parents of Gertrude and also removing the man Monty considers a father. Monty is old enough to know that "Dad" left because he didn't want to share a room ro school with Boone and possibly Gertrude will understand that too. Gertrude may decide she wants to to be split between both parents as she has a half bro on both sides so Monty will also have it on his conscience that Gertrude isn't home full time because of him and Mom is sad because of him. Not saying it would be MONTYS fault, just that he'd feel guilty. There's no winner in the parents living apart either.

Sure, whatever decision OP makes she runs the risk, if not likelihood, of having to deal with negative long term consequences. I don’t think moving Boone in is an alternative that’s any less likely to result in a family breakdown. As it stands, Monty is losing his room entirely and is likely to feel supplanted by Boone in regards to his position in the family (and possibly with his friends at school), and Dottie is going to have to share. Instead of blaming Monty like in your scenario, she may very well associate the arrival with Boone with the disruption and breakdown of the family she knows, and the unhappiness of the brother she’s grown up with and is closest to. Meanwhile, said brother feels betrayed by his mother and this has a lifelong impact on their relationship.

What OP has to consider is what scenario she’s going to be most able to live with, should the worst happen either way.

ToddlerIs2 · 08/09/2022 17:33

Sunnymother1 · 08/09/2022 16:34

@TrashPandas I don’t want to disclose the situation with DP and why his contact with Boone got cut of (it’s a private matter) but what was once the problem is not a problem anymore and will never be so his mum allowed him to have contact when the situation got resolved

So at the time she was going to court to protect her son, you were giving him full access to yours by moving him in.

Original poster
Sunnymother1 · 08/09/2022 17:38

@ToddlerIs2 I wouldn’t ever put my children at risk - this situation had something to do with DP’s old living situation which wasn’t great before he moved In to our house

OP posts:
TrashPandas · 08/09/2022 17:40

How did his "living situation" stop him having access at a contact centre?

EbbyEbs · 08/09/2022 17:48

OP why won’t you answer the posts questioning you putting two opposite sex teens in a room? Why is Monty now losing his room entirely? Why is it more important for you, DH and Boone to get your own rooms? Why is it only your children who need to sacrifice?

By the sounds of it, your DH is a wrong un and shouldn’t be near any of these poor kids and you sound just as bad

NerrSnerr · 08/09/2022 17:55

I can't believe you'd let your son and daughter share instead of giving up your own room. So utterly selfish. Get yourself an air bed.

EbbyEbs · 08/09/2022 17:59

NerrSnerr · 08/09/2022 17:55

I can't believe you'd let your son and daughter share instead of giving up your own room. So utterly selfish. Get yourself an air bed.

OP clearly doesn’t give a shit about her own two kids. It’s all about keeping DH happy by the sounds of it. I can imagine Monty and Dottie sat in their SHARED room at night slagging the lot of them off.

OP, you couldn’t have done a better job of creating resentment if you tried.

EbbyEbs · 08/09/2022 18:01

The mad thing is, OPs most recent “solution” is even worse than the original idea of making the two boys share.

Initially it was unfair to make Monty share his room … so OP thought “fuck it then, he can loose the room entirely and bunk in with his little sister”

Its absolute madness.

Stripedbag101 · 08/09/2022 18:04

Sunnymother1 · 08/09/2022 17:38

@ToddlerIs2 I wouldn’t ever put my children at risk - this situation had something to do with DP’s old living situation which wasn’t great before he moved In to our house

Okay so when boone was younger than six his dad lived in such awful conditions or with such awful people that the courts ruled he wasn’t safe to even have supervised contact. This order lasted until boone was ten.

his dads living conditions only got resolved when he moved in with you and your son. But even at that point when boone was six she still wasn’t considered a fit parent. It took four more years before he was considered safe enough to have access to his son.

holy shot. Teenage boys sharing a bedroom is the least of your problems.

boone has only known his dad for five years - and only sees him at Christmas, family gatherings or when your family does to the beach. Poor kid.

Original poster
Sunnymother1 · 08/09/2022 19:06

I just want to answer a few more questions about this situation

Boone will be living with us no mater what - it’s the only option

my DP has built back up his relationship with Boone over the years - of course it’s not like a typical father son relationship but they are trying hard on both ends to have a great relationship (like DP takes him on fishing trips and days out)

Dottie and Monty both are fine with sharing a room and we have already divided it up with IKEA units just to see how it looks and it’s almost like two separate rooms now (her room is probably slightly bigger) so have decided that Boone and Monty will share that room and it’s a like two rooms now and Dottie will get monty’s bedroom.

The school situation is something they will have to deal with - I have told Monty that I would like him to walk with Boone to and from school for the first few days but of course doesn’t have to be his “buddy” and take him all around school. I will also not be changing classes because what it is will be.

this situation is tough but we are trying to move through it as a family - I will also take all 3 kids on day trips with just me and DP so they have 1 on 1 time

DP is not a danger to my children and has had a tough childhood (but as I said I am not getting into it on here) - extreme measures were put in place to protect Boone not from his father but others around him (I can’t fully explain without saying what happened).

Boones mother has left us in a difficult situation and has been like that often - but she is a lovely women (she has a few mental health issues so she does find certain situations hard like her old job).

OP posts: