Stepson joining my sons school

[Sunnymother1]

I have a DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15

DP moved in with me and Monty when Monty was 5 so has been the main father figure to his life ( his bio dad is not in the picture ). DP is involved in Boone’s life but because his bio mother lives so far away joint Custody was never a option.

Boone’s bio mother has had a offer for a job in another country and it would be crazy for her not to take it (she will be away for 3 years but will come back for periods of time) and the original idea was for Boone to come with her but last minute he has had a change of heart and Doesn’t want to go anymore so of course me and DP offered for him to stay at ours until she’s back (we do live 5 hours away from Boone’s house so he will have to move schools either way)

Both boys only have 3 months between them so Boone will be in Monty’s year at school which Monty is not best pleased about. He’s complained about having to share a room with Boone (we have a 3 bedroom house and my DD needs her own room) and I think having to take Boone “under his wing” is making DS annoyed which I’ve questioned why and he doesn’t have a reason why not he just doesn’t he said.

Both boys don’t know each other well (they have seen each other at Christmas and DP’s family get togethers) but do know each other kind of well Just not in a brotherly way of course.

Boone is staying at ours no matter what and everyone else is happy about it, am I being unreasonable expecting Monty to be okay with this (I get this is a massive change for everyone) he’s just acting like this will “ruin his life” and I don’t want Boone to have to feel unwelcome in our home.

[Twawmyarse]

Bloody Monty and Boone?? Did you have to use such ridiculous names?😂

[Mummyoflittledragon]

@strawberriesarenot

Boone should go with his mother and give it a try. Meanwhile, you can put plans in place for if he ends up with you after all.
It's an awful thing to do to your son, take away every scrap of privacy. You just can't. You'll have to camp downstairs if the worst comes to the worst. And make sure school knows to keep them in seperate classes etc.
Has Boone always been the alpha child?

I don’t see how that could happen. Boone is year 10. Any decision now should be followed through for 2 years.

[Quartz2208]

It sounds like this is all very rushed with Boone having decided he doesnt want to go without anyone actually thinking through the longer term consequences of it.

Not only that you seem to want to pretend that there arent long term consequences for everyone involved and that this is going to work and all be happy families. And when Monty is raising legitimate concerns you want him to just ignore them.

This will only work if there is an acknowledgement that it is going to be tough, that it will have issues and that there needs to be an openness and honesty about the problems that this might cause

[Twawmyarse]

@nachoavocado

Monty is your son. You must show him nothing will change that. He must feel so pushed out

Boone is OP's dh's son - You must show him nothing will change that. If you make him go to a different school he will feel so pushed out.

See what I did there? To make Boone go to a different school if he's happy with the arrangement would be unforgivable IMO. Poor kid is already losing his mother for most of the year and moving in with ahis dad who he hardly knows.

[PizzaFunghi]

when you say your "other children" go to that school, which children were you referring to?

it is quite unbelievable that you'd do this to your own son and none of it sounds very plausible

[Sunnymother1]

@Needmorelego first off this is a temporary situation he is coming to stay at ours 1-3 years at his dads house isn’t living there he elated has a home back where him and his mum lives

if his mother died that would be a whole other situation and he would come to live with us - just like he is going to right now (my son isn’t selfish this is a lot to be putting on him and I realise and am trying to respect that with so little I can do)

for now Monty is going to stay in his sisters room as he would feel more comfortable for the time being and she doesn’t mind either - they only sleep there and will get changed in there bathroom. This way Boone will get his own room for a while until we can find another solution. Schools going to have to be something for them both to deal with and is the only option at this point - they don’t have every class together just 1 or 2 and I can’t change that and as for the school walks me and DP think that’s the best option - Boone is tbe one that’s going to feel more out of place at the start anyway

[bringbackveronicamars]

Can you give him your and your partner's room, which is presumably bigger, and put up a temporary wall between the two sides or do one of the creative room splits you see with bunk beds and temporary walls...

[Sunnymother1]

@nachoavocado yes DD is both mine and DP daughter - both the secondary and primary connect so they walk to the same place

it was mine and my ex’s house at the start and when my ex left my DP moved in a few years latwr

We do not have the money at the moment to rent out a whole other house and hotels are just as expensive

[Needmorelego]

@latetothefisting it's true I suggested a slightly over the top scenario but anyone who enters a relationship with someone who already has a child/children should be prepared to take on that child if needs be.
That should have always been in a plan if something had happened to Boone's mother.
The same as I assume there would be a plan in place for Monty if the OP died - would he stay with his step dad and (half?) sister or not?
Sorry... I'm still Team Boone on this one. Monty needs to get over it.

[BadNomad]

first off this is a temporary situation he is coming to stay at ours 1-3 years at his dads house isn’t living there he elated has a home back where him and his mum lives

So he's being seen as a guest rather than living with family? That's messed up. In 3 years he'll 18.

[AlbertaAnnie]

I think sorting out the bedroom issue might be a good start to set the em off on better footing? If you have a dining room/ second reception area that must be sacrificed to make a extra bedroom - if not I would do as others suggested and room separate or even put your son and daughter in together as they already had a sibling bond and let Boone have his own room? I think the space at home is a bigger issue than school Boone will no doubt make his own friends in time and not all their classes will be the same. Good luck it’s a tricky one - can I ask where would Boone normally sleep when he was visiting his dad??

[Quartz2208]

I think just be fluid and open - and allow there to be issues and conflict but try and get in measures to try and resolve it.

This is going to be emotional trying to stop it being isnt going to help and everyone needs to feel they can be honest and have a voice and balance that against making sure feelings are hurt maliciously or callously.

Talk about it - allow changes to occur if needed work through it until a process is found that suits everyone

[EbbyEbs]

See OP is refusing to give up her bedroom 🙄

[Needmorelego]

@Sunnymother1 no he isn't 'staying' with you - he is living with you.
It's going to be his home. Poor boy.

[Stripedbag101]

@strawberriesarenot

Boone should go with his mother and give it a try. Meanwhile, you can put plans in place for if he ends up with you after all.
It's an awful thing to do to your son, take away every scrap of privacy. You just can't. You'll have to camp downstairs if the worst comes to the worst. And make sure school knows to keep them in seperate classes etc.
Has Boone always been the alpha child?

I think it sounds like poor Boone has been largely ignored by his dad up to now.

he only sees him at Christmas and holidays or if he is taking his step kids to the beach.

I think dad is the big problem in this.

boone sees an opportunity to reconnect with his dad. I assume the dad moved five hours away - I really hope not though.

poor monty has to share a room with his step brother. But poor Boone has missed out on having a dad for ten years.

why is dad living in a house that can’t accommodate his son? Why was Boone not spending two months with his dad every summer?

Is dad at all concerned about this - or just OP?

[nachoavocado]

first off this is a temporary situation he is coming to stay at ours 1-3 years at his dads house isn’t living there he elated has a home back where him and his mum lives if you approach it like this and Boone is just a guest then it is setting yourselves up for failure. It has to be Boone's home for the next few years until he is old enough to decide to move out if he wants.

Both kids are going to need you to be really careful how you handle this.

[AlbertaAnnie]

I feel for both kids

[ancientgran]

@Sunnymother1

@Needmorelego first off this is a temporary situation he is coming to stay at ours 1-3 years at his dads house isn’t living there he elated has a home back where him and his mum lives

if his mother died that would be a whole other situation and he would come to live with us - just like he is going to right now (my son isn’t selfish this is a lot to be putting on him and I realise and am trying to respect that with so little I can do)

for now Monty is going to stay in his sisters room as he would feel more comfortable for the time being and she doesn’t mind either - they only sleep there and will get changed in there bathroom. This way Boone will get his own room for a while until we can find another solution. Schools going to have to be something for them both to deal with and is the only option at this point - they don’t have every class together just 1 or 2 and I can’t change that and as for the school walks me and DP think that’s the best option - Boone is tbe one that’s going to feel more out of place at the start anyway

Couldn't you even ask your son if he would be prepared to let Boone walk to school with him?

In the OP you say his mum is going for 3 years but now you are saying 1 - 3 years? Actually 1 year or 3 years aren't ideal if he's going into year 10, moving him in a year so he goes to a different school for year 11 isn't great, him staying for 3 years is similar if he is to do A levels as he will be half way through them so if you were right in the OP and his mum is away for 3 years I think you need to consider he will be staying for 4 years, particularly is he makes good friends and even gets a girlfriend.

Why won't you say if you have a dining room?

[Christmasiscominghohoho]

@Needmorelego

I am feeling very sorry for Boone.
If his mother had died rather than just moving abroad would you (and your son) be so heartless about him coming to 'stay' (ie LIVE) with his father.
Would you say "sorry but my son doesn't want to share his room and be in the same school so I guess he will have to go into foster care".
I'm sorry but you and your son are selfish.
The 2 boys don't have to be friends, share friends, share out of school activities. They can basically have nothing to do with each other except share a bedroom (like gazillions of siblings do).
Poor Boone.

What a load of shit.
The fact is they are not siblings are they… they are basically bloody strangers so they shouldn’t have to share a room full stop.
Also his mother isn’t dead, she’s fucking off and leaving her son behind so there’s no point with the whole argument ‘if she was dead..’

The op is forcing them to share a room, the same school and to walk together.

She doesn’t even sound like she gives a shit about how her son feels. He just has to lump it as her husband is clearly more important to her.

[EbbyEbs]

OP give up YOUR bedroom ffs

[wheredidIleavemystyle]

@Sunnymother1

Me and DP are considering splitting our bedroom up for Monty and Boone and us moving in monty’s room but this will take a few weeks to be completed

This is a really good idea.

We've swapped rooms around now DS is a teenager as it suited his needs better.

[MummyJ36]

Could you convert a downstairs room to a bedroom? Dining room if you have one? The dining room if you have one? It must be better than any of the kids having to share. I think DS has made it really clear he’s not comfortable sharing.

[Magnanimouse]

@Christmasiscominghohoho your comments also work in reverse. Stepdad also needs to put his son before his wife and stepson, therefore he needs to move him in, he can't exactly leave him in the street?

[Needmorelego]

@Christmasiscominghohoho sorry you think it's shite. Although Boone is half brother to the daughter so he is blood related to her.
The boys might be non blood related but they are connected through the Dad.
That's what happens if you enter into a relationship with someone who has a child.
They should have made sure these boys had a proper step-sibling relationship years ago. Unfortunately they didn't.
And now both boys are stuck in the middle of it all.