To end this friendship now I know what she would really think of me….

EmptyHouse0822 · 2022-09-07T10:55:55+00:00

I have a friend and we met because our children go to the same school. It started off as just chatting on the playground, then going out with the children and now we will also go out just the two of us. We have been friends for about 2.5 years and I would say we are pretty close in that we talk to each other about our problems and we know we can trust each other. Anyhow, this morning, completely out the blue she made some very negative and distasteful comments about lesbians and although she was trying to pass it off as a joke the undertone was clear that she thought the concept of two women together was quite unpleasant. The problem is that even though she doesn’t know it, I am bisexual and so her comments made me really uncomfortable. Obviously I’m married with children so she would have no reason at all to suspect I can be attracted to women and so wouldn’t see any reason why her comments would upset me on a personal level. Even if I wasn’t bisexual I wouldn’t have found her comments acceptable at all. But now I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I can carry on this friendship knowing how disapproving she is of an aspect of my life but as we’ve been friends for so long and out children are good friends it wouldn’t make sense to anyone if I just pulled away from her. I don’t know how to navigate this and I’m already dreading seeing her on the school run this afternoon. AIBU to just pull back from the friendship and tell her why?

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 07/09/2022 11:57

Might it be helpful to talk to her about this? It's always dodgy to read into things and assume you're understanding what she meant. If she is a bigot then that is a perfectly reasonable reason to end a friendship

Donotgogentle · 07/09/2022 11:57

Yanbu - wouldn’t want to be friends with someone with those views. Bisexual or not.

Did you challenge her at the time?

Morechocmorechoc · 07/09/2022 11:59

Rather than walk away which isn't great for your kids, talk to her about it. Tell her you are bisexual. She how she responds and you will know what to do.

Doingprettywellthanks · 07/09/2022 11:59

What did she actually say Op?

Doingprettywellthanks · 07/09/2022 12:00

Even if I wasn’t bisexual I wouldn’t have found her comments acceptable at all.

ok so presumably you said something in response?

Tierne · 07/09/2022 12:02

the undertone was clear that she thought the concept of two women together was quite unpleasant

Shes allowed to feel that way for herself

pigsDOfly · 07/09/2022 12:03

Donotgogentle · 07/09/2022 11:57

Yanbu - wouldn’t want to be friends with someone with those views. Bisexual or not.

Did you challenge her at the time?

What views. The OP didn't actually say what her views were.

MarillaCuthbertIsSurprised · 07/09/2022 12:05

I find the idea of being with a woman in that way quite unpleasant. It doesn’t mean that I think any less in any way of those who feel differently about it. It just doesn’t float my boat 🤷🏻‍♀️

SavingsThreads · 07/09/2022 12:07

MarillaCuthbertIsSurprised · 07/09/2022 12:05

I find the idea of being with a woman in that way quite unpleasant. It doesn’t mean that I think any less in any way of those who feel differently about it. It just doesn’t float my boat 🤷🏻‍♀️

Which is not the same as the OPs friend, whose distaste isn't about her sexuality but about two other people

JimmyShoo · 07/09/2022 12:09

What exactly did she say?

KettrickenSmiled · 07/09/2022 12:09

Morechocmorechoc · 07/09/2022 11:59

Rather than walk away which isn't great for your kids, talk to her about it. Tell her you are bisexual. She how she responds and you will know what to do.

It isn't great for kids to be exposed to homophobic influences either.

WimpoleHat · 07/09/2022 12:12

she thought the concept of two women together was quite unpleasant.

I think it depends exactly how she said it, to be honest.
Was it more “I really don’t like the idea of that myself” or “it ought not to be allowed”? I’d put myself in the former category: I think the concept of sex with another woman is unpleasant. And also the concept of scuba diving, caving, eating shellfish and running a marathon, to name a few other examples. If you like doing all or any of those things? That’s great and I’m pleased for you - but it wouldn’t be for me (although I’d loudly defend your right to do so).

If her comments were more of the “I don’t like….” variety, I’d talk to her about it rather than just cut off a friendship. She may not “disapprove” in the way you have inferred; she just didn’t moderate her comments because she didn’t know your preferences.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/09/2022 12:12

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 07/09/2022 11:57

Might it be helpful to talk to her about this? It's always dodgy to read into things and assume you're understanding what she meant. If she is a bigot then that is a perfectly reasonable reason to end a friendship

Who's doing any "reading into things"?

It's as plain as a pikestaff that when people make very negative and distasteful comments about lesbians that they are committed homophobes & no amount of calling them out on it is going to change their views.

If OP genuinely cares about this woman otherwerise, dure, she can gently try to educate her. But she's not obliged to, & would be entirely reasonable to simply walk away.

Chikapu · 07/09/2022 12:15

this morning, completely out the blue she made some very negative and distasteful comments about lesbians

This sounds like she made comments about lesbians as a whole, not as a 'that's not my cup of tea' kind of thing. It's disturbing how some people are trying to justify homophobia.

Original poster

EmptyHouse0822 · 07/09/2022 12:18

My friend said it in relation to a programme she’d been watching with her husband which was about the Gay scene (males) and she told me she’d made her husband turn it off because it was disgusting and not something she wanted to see. She then said it was almost as bad as seeing two women together, and she said god knows why any woman would want to touch up and do “who knows what” to another woman and then she said “it’s just so grim!” - and thats when she started laughing.

I didn’t say anything at the time because firstly I was just too shocked, I had absolutely no idea what to say in response, and even if I did have a response, she was rushing to her car to get to work so we couldn’t have had time to have a proper chat about it anyway.

OP posts:

alwaysmovingforwards · 07/09/2022 12:18

She's entitled to have her views.
You're entitled to do what you chose with this info.

10HailMarys · 07/09/2022 12:21

Tierne · 07/09/2022 12:02

the undertone was clear that she thought the concept of two women together was quite unpleasant

Shes allowed to feel that way for herself

She's allowed to feel that way, yes. That doesn't mean the OP has to listen to her banging on about it. Just because a person has an opinion on something, that doesn't mean it's appropriate to share it.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 07/09/2022 12:21

KettrickenSmiled · 07/09/2022 12:12

Who's doing any "reading into things"?

It's as plain as a pikestaff that when people make very negative and distasteful comments about lesbians that they are committed homophobes & no amount of calling them out on it is going to change their views.

If OP genuinely cares about this woman otherwerise, dure, she can gently try to educate her. But she's not obliged to, & would be entirely reasonable to simply walk away.

Show quote history

That's what undertone means.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 07/09/2022 12:23

EmptyHouse0822 · 07/09/2022 12:18

My friend said it in relation to a programme she’d been watching with her husband which was about the Gay scene (males) and she told me she’d made her husband turn it off because it was disgusting and not something she wanted to see. She then said it was almost as bad as seeing two women together, and she said god knows why any woman would want to touch up and do “who knows what” to another woman and then she said “it’s just so grim!” - and thats when she started laughing.

I didn’t say anything at the time because firstly I was just too shocked, I had absolutely no idea what to say in response, and even if I did have a response, she was rushing to her car to get to work so we couldn’t have had time to have a proper chat about it anyway.

I'm not sure that's an undertone op! That's explicit homophobia

Onlyforcake · 07/09/2022 12:26

I'd say that was outwardly homophobic and point out that just because her voyeurism only extends to heterosexual couples doesn't make it automatically offensive to represent perfectly normal relationships on TV. Obviously she only wants to watch stuff she can get her personal jollies to.

Original poster

EmptyHouse0822 · 07/09/2022 12:27

I suppose it’s the laugh that made me use the word “undertone” - maybe I was hoping she was just thinking she was being funny.

Maybe I don’t want to admit to myself that my friend is homophobic.

Now I’ve written down her comments and read them back i can see how bad it sounds.

OP posts:

CaptainThe95thRifles · 07/09/2022 12:27

That's a homophobic overtone, not an undertone 😳 I'd be walking away from that friendship too.

goldfinchonthelawn · 07/09/2022 12:27

This is an interesting question. I discovered a very close friend of mine was homophobic and it was a massive shock to me. I stupidly assumed because she's very artstic that she would be broadminded. I distanced myself quite rapidly mainly because I didn't know how to handle it. But slowly over time she has come back into my life. We have very gently discussed the subject and I've made clear I don't share her views. We will never be as close as we used to be, but I can't see how isolating bigots helps. Give them an opportunity to change their opinions by showing them the world won't fall down round anyone;s ears if two men or two women kiss in public.

dockspider · 07/09/2022 12:28

Yes those comments were extremely homophobic.

As for whether you can continue to be friends with her, honestly, only you can decide that. I have a lot of very right wing family and friends in the States. I really would not be at all surprised if they held similar views. They are as loving and caring towards me as it is possible to be, and I suppose I intentionally turn a blind eye towards their (what I consider to be) unpalatable views on a lot of things.

One of my closest friends is a lesbian. She maintains a pretty decent relationship with her homophobic sister. It's not always black and white - but only you know how you want to proceed, OP.

10HailMarys · 07/09/2022 12:29

EmptyHouse0822 · 07/09/2022 12:18

My friend said it in relation to a programme she’d been watching with her husband which was about the Gay scene (males) and she told me she’d made her husband turn it off because it was disgusting and not something she wanted to see. She then said it was almost as bad as seeing two women together, and she said god knows why any woman would want to touch up and do “who knows what” to another woman and then she said “it’s just so grim!” - and thats when she started laughing.

I didn’t say anything at the time because firstly I was just too shocked, I had absolutely no idea what to say in response, and even if I did have a response, she was rushing to her car to get to work so we couldn’t have had time to have a proper chat about it anyway.

Yeah, she's massively homophobic and I would not be friends with her.

I'm straight. I personally don't find anything appealing about the idea of having sex with another woman, just as most lesbians don't find anything appealing about the idea of having sex with a man. 'The idea of sex with a woman does nothing for me' is not a homophobic statement. Declaring same-sex relationships 'disgusting' and 'grim', or implying that gay sex is weird, deviant, abnormal or whatever IS a homophobic statement. Your friend sounds horrible.