To end this friendship now I know what she would really think of me….

[EmptyHouse0822]

I have a friend and we met because our children go to the same school. It started off as just chatting on the playground, then going out with the children and now we will also go out just the two of us.

We have been friends for about 2.5 years and I would say we are pretty close in that we talk to each other about our problems and we know we can trust each other.

Anyhow, this morning, completely out the blue she made some very negative and distasteful comments about lesbians and although she was trying to pass it off as a joke the undertone was clear that she thought the concept of two women together was quite unpleasant.

The problem is that even though she doesn’t know it, I am bisexual and so her comments made me really uncomfortable. Obviously I’m married with children so she would have no reason at all to suspect I can be attracted to women and so wouldn’t see any reason why her comments would upset me on a personal level.

Even if I wasn’t bisexual I wouldn’t have found her comments acceptable at all.

But now I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I can carry on this friendship knowing how disapproving she is of an aspect of my life but as we’ve been friends for so long and out children are good friends it wouldn’t make sense to anyone if I just pulled away from her.

I don’t know how to navigate this and I’m already dreading seeing her on the school run this afternoon.

AIBU to just pull back from the friendship and tell her why?

I agree festoonlights.

Lots of people have led sheltered lives and are casually homophobic and a bit uptight about sex in general. I can understand why it upsets you, but if she is kind and a good friend in other ways, I think I'd just let it go. But then I don't need people to agree with me to be friends with them.

Exactly.

As long as she doesn't discriminate against LGB people, it's ok. Gay friends of mine find it heterosexual love scenes utterly degoutant, whatever floats their boat.

I'd say it's not that socially acceptable anymore to make overt comments about being LGB but I have Muslim mum friends who do not hide their distaste. I own't be cutting them out as they are incredibly strong and kind women. Gay isn't for everyone.

OP I'm really sorry this has happened to you. What an unpleasant person she is deep down. In my personal experience it takes around two years of friendship/relationship to get to know someone. Despite the support you have offered one another these past 2 5 years, you are not bound to one another! If you feel that you need to back away from the friendship then do so. Only call her out on her comments if you feel comfortable in doing so. She's shown you her true colours, sadly.

As for some of the homophobic comments on here... I am genuinely shocked and truly saddened by these attitudes. Shame on you.

I myself am straight but watching a romance unfold on television between two people who are not representative of me as a person does not compell me to switch it off and stop watching in disgust. Such an overreaction!

Love is love! 🏳️‍🌈✌️

Those are horribly homophobic comments, but also deeply ignorant. Of course it's not your job to educate her, but if she's conceivably redeemable, you don't have to make this about yourself and being bisexual. With such brazenly stated prejudice, any decent person would be shocked and justified in bringing it up later - saying something like "I was really shocked by what you said about gay people the other day, so I couldn't say anything at the time, but if that's really how you feel, I don't think we can be friends." Then see how she takes it.

She may be a complete twat and the friendship is over anyway, but it would be so much better for her to at least realise it's not acceptable to say this and to assume that other people would agree with her, quite the opposite. Even if she gets defensive, she might still realise inside that she's done the wrong thing and at the very best, she could have some food for thought that means she doesn't raise her DC as a bigot who thinks the same things.

The literal meaning of homophobia is a dislike or prejudice against gay people.

Indeed. But this woman hasn’t said she doesn’t like all lesbians. Or hates all gay people. She’s said that she doesn’t enjoy watching gay sex scenes on the TV. Not that it shouldn’t be allowed to happen, the TV companies shouldn’t show it, that it’s a corrupting influence on others. Anything other than she herself didn’t like to watch it and wouldn’t like to participate in said activity.

There’s the most enormous difference. And it matters, actually. Because people’s freedom of sexuality is important. And freedom of speech is important. And preventing hate speech and fomenting violence is important. And it’s very dangerous when all these things get blurred because it’s a slippery slope to the erosion of some of these rights.

She's not 'entitled to have her views' if she is outwardly expressing homophobia and making others uncomfortable.

She said that it is 'grim' and 'disgusting', that's not OK.

Calling LGB people 'grim' and 'disgusting' isn't discriminating?

It's fine to say that's not her orientation or wouldn't be her preference. It's not fine to say that it's disgusting and anyone who does it is grim. That's homophobic.

Exactly - and she's dehumanising, fixating on the sex as if that's all gay people are.

It's the laugh afterwards that makes it even worse IMO. Like she's going, "ha ha, silly old me, I can't have said anything so bad because look I'm laughing now so it's just a funny little whim of mine!"

She knew she had just let her bigotry show, and the laugh came because she wanted to undercut it in the hope that OP wouldn't notice, and to re-establish their friendship bond which she subconsciously suspected she might have cracked.

Of course she shouldn't have to 'police' herself in her own home but she didn't confine the conversation with her husband to her own home she relayed it to OP.

YABU. Everyone is allowed their own opinion. I'm sure if she knew that you were bi, then she would have thought twice before actually saying it out loud as to not hurt your feelings.

But then I don't need people to agree with me to be friends with them.

No mentally healthy person does.
For me, however, my friends need to agree that homophobia is sickening - point blank. There is no "agree to disagree" because it's not just a difference of opinion, it's an indication of appalling bigotry & ignorance.

Why not just talk to her about it? You could maybe educate her. I wouldn’t cut off a friendship because of this type of ignorance. But it would have an impact on the way I viewed someone.

The laugh may have been embarrassment?
I am sure op's face would have been aghast, and can't have been completely neutral given how strongly she feels about the subject.

When people laugh it is often a self conscious laugh, maybe she realised she had made the more horrendous faux pax, maybe she knew what she was trying to say was coming out badly or maybe she is downright spiteful and it was a cackle. We can't assume it was intended unkindly. I laughed when my most cherished grandparent died, it was shock.

one of my friends made a comment about the police and if your naughty i will tell them to take you away (to her daughter)

I disagree and tell my children police/fire etc you go to for help, i am still friends with her i just disagreed. I will make sure my children know the correct way i think

so yes YABU, and over reacting.

I'm quite surprised to see people say she is entitled to think that way. No, she really isn't. It's no different to people thinking black people are disgusting quite frankly. Treating anyone differently for their sex, race, sexuality etc is a hate crime, and thinking someone is disgusting for being different is still a hate crime, because I bet she'd treat gay people differently to straight people. Letting people think that they are free to think these views will eventually just lead to them thinking they can act on those views too. People should treat everyone the same. How bloody hard is it to not be a fucking twat??

Yeah, I’d start walking away from that friendship.

Yes I'd just put some distance between you both. She sounds racist.

I meant homophobic!

I became friendly with a woman I met online through a hobby, we both attended a course which took place near my home town - she travelled to it. I invited her to stay for the Sat night for the weekends the course was on (4 weekends, not easy to get cheap hotel for just Sat nights locally so she asked in our online group if anyone could put her up). First two Sats were fine, but during the Sunday of the second weekend, over Lunch, she came out with some antisemitic statements about Jewish bankers, global conspiracy etc etc. Pretty shocking, a few of us said she was talking nonsense, but she doubled down.

When I got home that night I composed a calm email to her, saying why I thought what she had said was AS, and that I was not comfortable hosting anyone with those views and asked her to find somewhere else for the remaining weekends.

The shit hit the fan a bit in the group, but most of it was probably emails behind the scenes, between individuals.

When you hear prejudice coming out of someone you had thought to be a friend, a "nice" person you've shared meals with etc then it is shocking and bit paralysing. I'm not sure how articulate I would have been challenging her if it had been a situation like yours. It was easier because I was not the only person who went WTF. I did find it easier to write a calm email once I had got my thoughts together. I've never heard from her since - still in touch with a few others from that group but no idea what happened to her.

The reality is that she is not who you thought she was - do you want her for a friend now?

"the undertone was clear that she thought the concept of two women together was quite unpleasant
She allowed to feel that way for herself"
She is exactly
Personally I would not want to watch 2 men together it would make me fell ill
It does not mean I dislike people I know who are gay however

Are you being deliberately obtuse? Or are you just a bit simple. This is not the issue under discussion at all.

So if you met a strict Muslim who was completely opposed to homosexuality, you'd tell them they were an appallingly ignorant bigot, @KettrickenSmiled ? Would you go round telling people that in Iran or Pakistan?

Somehow I suspect not. You'd comprehend that the way people think is largely a product of their background and upbringing, and while you might not agree with them, you'd understand that changing someone's views rests on understanding why they might think that way and not monstering them for it.

WTF?? Imagine thinking you’re drawing a parallel with this example 🤦🏽‍♀️.