To end this friendship now I know what she would really think of me….

[EmptyHouse0822]

I have a friend and we met because our children go to the same school. It started off as just chatting on the playground, then going out with the children and now we will also go out just the two of us.

We have been friends for about 2.5 years and I would say we are pretty close in that we talk to each other about our problems and we know we can trust each other.

Anyhow, this morning, completely out the blue she made some very negative and distasteful comments about lesbians and although she was trying to pass it off as a joke the undertone was clear that she thought the concept of two women together was quite unpleasant.

The problem is that even though she doesn’t know it, I am bisexual and so her comments made me really uncomfortable. Obviously I’m married with children so she would have no reason at all to suspect I can be attracted to women and so wouldn’t see any reason why her comments would upset me on a personal level.

Even if I wasn’t bisexual I wouldn’t have found her comments acceptable at all.

But now I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I can carry on this friendship knowing how disapproving she is of an aspect of my life but as we’ve been friends for so long and out children are good friends it wouldn’t make sense to anyone if I just pulled away from her.

I don’t know how to navigate this and I’m already dreading seeing her on the school run this afternoon.

AIBU to just pull back from the friendship and tell her why?

😲
Oh, dear.

She no doubt doesn’t fancy talking about her friend’s sexuality at the pool with kids all around her

I had absolutely no intention of talking about my sexuality. I guess I just thought we could be civil for the sake of the children.

Her bigotry probably had her concerned that I’d be “eyeing her up” in her swim wear.

I'm not surprised she didn't turn up. Did you actually expect her to? She apologised to you and you didn't accept it. She prob thinks a 2 year relationship isn't worth trying to salvage anymore when you didn't know each other that well anyway.
Sad for the kids when the parents fall out though. Hopefully they don't sit next to each in school and have other friends.

Her bigotry probably had her concerned that I’d be “eyeing her up” in her swim wear.

It's more likely that she doesn't get on with you, you fell out and couldn't fix it, and there's no point in meeting up with you and your kids anymore.

Which is probably the best out come for me and her, it’s just a shame for the children. They children still see each other in class though so they will still maintain their friendship that way.

They might want to maintain their friendship now but if the children are young then it's unlikely it will continue. Parents have a big influence on who their children play with at that age, especially when play dates are arranged with other children instead, no invites to birthday parties, and so on.

Maybe so, but this child isn’t my son’s only friend.

Even if my son doesn’t get invited to this child’s party there’s another 10 parties he would get invited to. If my friend enforces a distance between her child and mine then it hardly means my son got to prepare for a life of loneliness does it.

I have absolutely no control over whether my friend purposefully excludes my child and if she wants thinks that’s the right thing to do then that’s her choice to make.

Why are you so desperate to be an apologist for this homophobe?

more likely is that she feels embarrassed and ashamed that she’s had her bigotry exposed but rather than admit that and confront her views, she’s doubling down on them and telling herself OP is some kind of deviant, because that’s easier than admitting she’s wrong.

I’m sorry OP. You’re better off without homophobes in your life though.

I’m sorry OP. You’re better off without homophobes in your life though.

My husband is off the same stance. I’m pretty sure he’s feeling angry inside but he’s doing a good job of staying calm which is helping me not to flip out.

My son did ask why his friend wasn’t at the swimming baths so I gave a flimsy excuse but I know I will have to give him something more than that if the situation continues.

I will find an age appropriate way to handle it though but I can cross that bridge next Saturday if I need to.

These days, the Saturday swim is really only the only regular time the children see each other outside of school. Although we may take them to the park or McDonalds a few times a month the connection between the 4 of us is mainly based on mine and my friend’s relationship with each other.

It won’t be a huge deal to the children if we no longer socialise with them outside of school.

A difference of opinion makes me a homophobe apologist?

I don't think so.

You seem to be skilled at deciding / interpreting what other people must be thinking though. And you've provided great advice to the op. Now you can go back to your own life in the knowledge that yet another homophobe has been banged to rights, and the op can start looking for a new friend for herself and her children. Your online social justice work has been completed here. On to the next one.

Gotta love Mumsnet for the fabulous advice they give to people sometimes.

OP I am so sorry you had to go through this. We all know there are racist, homophobic bigoted people in the World.
It is gutting to know that someone you've been friends with and who your child has been around is one of them.

I have always been open with my daughter about lots of things when the need arises. One time she was asking about abortion and living in Ireland there was a lot of negative discussion.
I told her that I had an abortion and explained in an age appropriate way the reasons I did it. I then asked her if she thought I was a monster. She replied no and hugged me. We can create open minded accepting humans in society by sharing our stories. OP share your story with your son in an age appropriate way if you feel you can.

@Freedomfighters
I would love all homophobes to be banged to rights.

Her bigotry probably had her concerned that I’d be “eyeing her up” in her swim wear.

a very close friend?

op - it’s irreparable I’d say.

sounds like your friend might actually be in the closet…

We can create open minded accepting humans in society by sharing our stories.

Absolutely. There's always a way of having good conversations with children about tricky stuff.

I'm sorry she is being such a dick, OP. I think you've handled the situation really well.

Careful you don't put your back out with that reach 🙄

She didn't apologise @Freedomfighters - she did the bare minimum used by people who pretend that 'sorry you were upset' constitutes an apology. People who are apologising by rote because it's easier than admitting they themselves did anything wrong, so won't take responsibility with a 'sorry I upset you.'

She actually used that tired old chestnut "sorry my comments upset you." - that is not a friend who is feeling remorse at hurting somebody else! She was just doubling down on her initial response -
She was clearly taken aback and didn’t speak for what felt like the longest 5 seconds in the world and she said that I was married and didn’t “do that” anymore then it didn’t need to be a big deal and we just shouldn’t talk about it anymore.

So - no apology, just a blanket directive that she wanted the thorny topic brushed under the carpet. Whatever reasons she now has for turning up to swimming aren't OP's problem anymore.

OP - pleased to see your latest robust updates & responses. Your erstwhile friend may be embarrassed, but it's likely she just doesn't know how to handle it. She's caught between a rock & a hard place, & if her H is homophobic, she's probably talked to him about it & between them they have entrenched whatever ignorant justifications they hold. He may even have 'forbidden' her from associating with you ... (& yeah the McCarthyite implication there was deliberate) ... but you said she's been with him since she was 16, & it's possible her lack of worldy experience is an issue here. Or maybe she's just embarrassed, or too dim or unempathic to work out how to make this right. Because if it's anyone's 'job' to mend this instead of thankfully walk away, it's hers, not yours.

However - whatever her reasons, she's shown you they are no longer your problem. Enjoy your weekly swimming & the company of your good other pals

Thank you Kittricken

I still haven’t heard from her so I think it’s obvious how this is going to end.

Her daughter is still behaving normally towards my son in school though so at least I can be grateful for that.

I would count myself as an LGBTQ+ all, and have campaigned as such. (yes I'm a libtard snowflake!)

I don't find the idea of gay sex (either men or women ) particularly alluring... Any more than my gay & lesbian friends and family would find heterosexual sex alluring.

I'm unsure how that would be offensive? (I'm not offened when my gay cousin says... How could anyone find PIV sex fun?! 😁... Um? That would be me!)

Of course it must have been very hurtful to have your friend speak in such a way and I can quite understand why you felt it would be difficult to continue the friendship.

I think you were right to tell your friend that you are bisexual. Her initial response wasn't very promising, but she was probably surprised and embarrassed. However, she did message you twice to say that she was sorry she had upset you and to check if the situation was now OK between you. That suggests that she still wants to be friends.

Her background sounds pretty grim and perhaps she has picked up some of these horrible views from her parents. Even people who believe they have no prejudices - and who don't want to see themselves as prejudiced people - can find themselves thinking in stereotypical ways because of family or peer group influences. People who are well up on current trends know that their views are unacceptable and so keep them to themselves. Just because people don't make hurtful comments does not mean that they don't ever have unpleasant thoughts.

I think it's a shame that your friendship has broken down. It sounds as if it meant a lot to her too.

I understand that she is entitled to her views and I’m not angry that she voiced them seeing as she wasn’t aware of my sexuality, and so although I could forgive her I just don’t see how I can forget it.

I don’t see how we can just move on as if nothings happened and be the same way with each other as we previously have been. I just can’t envision how that happens?

Perhaps she was busy today and might be there next week.

I don't get into any in depth convos with my friends like this about sexuality Keep it light with friends and have fun.

Hard to keep in light after those fairly horrible comments.

I just can’t envision how that happens?

It can only happen if she is willing to have a proper talk with you, involving an apology and the chance to clear the air. And a sense she understands why you're hurt! Very few people seem able to do this, though, and I speak from recent personal experience.

If it's friend for long,for of 2,5 years and u liked her otherwise maybe the best option would be to have some break she might figure out u upset about something and then talk to her what upset you,you don't need to tell her you are bisexual, but can if you want to,but definitely I would tell her that she was very judgement al towards one group of people and that made you uncomfortable and then see how she react,go from there...
Bdw : I wonder if you ever regret you end up with man and not with woman,that life would be easier....I was giving myself the same question eventhough I am not bisexual,just was wondering how it would be actually live with my best friend and that communication would be probably easier....

And finally....even very good friend s can have arguments or quarrels sometimes,if the relationship is worthy,it will work out well at the end,you will see,all the best!
I had a friend for 3 years and we had our first and big argument over what's up,and it did shake things up,I was almost loosing hope,but it got better again eventually....