To end this friendship now I know what she would really think of me….

[EmptyHouse0822]

I have a friend and we met because our children go to the same school. It started off as just chatting on the playground, then going out with the children and now we will also go out just the two of us.

We have been friends for about 2.5 years and I would say we are pretty close in that we talk to each other about our problems and we know we can trust each other.

Anyhow, this morning, completely out the blue she made some very negative and distasteful comments about lesbians and although she was trying to pass it off as a joke the undertone was clear that she thought the concept of two women together was quite unpleasant.

The problem is that even though she doesn’t know it, I am bisexual and so her comments made me really uncomfortable. Obviously I’m married with children so she would have no reason at all to suspect I can be attracted to women and so wouldn’t see any reason why her comments would upset me on a personal level.

Even if I wasn’t bisexual I wouldn’t have found her comments acceptable at all.

But now I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I can carry on this friendship knowing how disapproving she is of an aspect of my life but as we’ve been friends for so long and out children are good friends it wouldn’t make sense to anyone if I just pulled away from her.

I don’t know how to navigate this and I’m already dreading seeing her on the school run this afternoon.

AIBU to just pull back from the friendship and tell her why?

Let’s be clear. She’s said she finds depictions of gay sexuality “disgusting”. That’s homophobia. There’s no grey area here at all and I quite shocked that people are trying to let her off the hook.

People are trying to draw a false distinction between not wanting to see women having sex (which is understandable) and disliking gay people and gay culture. This is a false distinction. She is saying very clearly she doesn’t like anything to do with lesbians, their life or culture.

I wouldn’t see her again. I am straight if it’s relevant. I wouldn’t want me kids around people like that.

I think that is why I was so horrified when something so ugly came out of her mouth. I honestly couldn’t believe she’d said it.

why don’t you actually just tell us what she said?!

That's pretty extreme.

It would have upset me, even though I am straight and personally find gay sex a bit of a turn off.

@Doingprettywellthanks

OP did tell us, read the thread.

The other point is - people say stupid, thoughtless things all the time. We all do; we don’t conduct casual conversations thinking that our words will be closely analysed. As I said upthread, “grim” and “disgusting” are particular culprits. “Lunch was disgusting”, my DD will announce, when she means it was cottage pie, which she doesn’t really like. “Tattoos are grim” is another one; that person didn’t mean it as a blanket judgement on all people with body art, that they should all be made illegal or that we should shun anyone who has one. It was my friend’s shorthand way of saying “That doesn’t appeal to me and I don’t like it”. If I had tattoos, she wouldn’t have said it, because it would be tactless. Likewise, I didn’t give her my views on Dubai as a holiday destination when she’d just told me she’d booked a week there. We all filter our comments to our audience.

What’s happened here is that this woman has expressed a poorly articulated opinion in a tactless way; if she’d known more about the OP’s sexual preferences, she probably would have kept her thoughts to herself. But saying “I hate watching gay sex on TV” is not equivalent to saying “I hate all gays” or “gay sex is evil”. She’s said that she didn’t want to watch a gay sex scene on TV and didn’t at all like the idea of having sex with another woman. She may be homophobic - but you really can’t come to that conclusion from what she’s said. If she’s a decent friend and she’s upset you, I’d have a further conversation with her about it and then you’ll be in a better position to judge whether or not she holds views which mean you don’t feel able to continue the friendship. But to brand someone a bigot on the basis of one casual and ill thought out remark is…..well, bigoted by definition.

people are trying to let her off the hook.

From the court of Mumsnet? 😀

What are we going to do - crowd fund to sue her?

People have all sorts of bigoted opinions. I'd rather they said them aloud than hid them. Then I can either steer clear, or address it with them in the hope of opening their mind.

I read a book that was being proclaimed as a groundbreaking same sex romance.

The graphic depictions of anal sex, smears on the sheets etc left me revolted.

Does that make me homophobic? I'd feel the same way about anal sex depicted in that way between a straight couple.

Other people's sex life is a pretty revolting concept to many of us.

I'd put gay sex in a similar category to 'parents having sex' and 'my kids having sex'. Not something I want to watch or think about.

Sure, people can have a sexual preference. I am heterosexual, that doesn't make me homophobic.

But making comments like this, which refer to gay men as 'disgusting' would:

she told me she’d made her husband turn it off because it was disgusting and not something she wanted to see. She then said it was almost as bad as seeing two women together, and she said god knows why any woman would want to touch up and do “who knows what” to another woman and then she said “it’s just so grim!” - and thats when she started laughing.

Wow how offensive is our post. It must be the epitome of white privilege

No dear. The epitome of white privilege is your assumption that @ILikeHotWaterBottles is white.

In my opinion, it’s ok for people not to understand attraction between other people. If we all liked the same “type” there would be a lot of single people around. It’s also ok to not want to watch graphic sex scenes on a TV screen. Tbh, I’ve never really understood why they are there, as I don’t find that they actually “add” anything to a storyline at all

I feel the same, doesn't matter who it is or what sexuality they are, I find it something really personal that I don't want to see replicated or acted out on the screen.

She's entitled to those views and I'm sure if she knew your history, she wouldn't want to be friends with you.

I personally wouldn't confront her about it. Whatever for? Just slowly (or quickly!) ease yourself out of the friendship. You're not each other's cup of tea obviously.

I’d find it hard to tolerate her thinking as she does. Yes she can have her views but I don’t like how she said it at all. I’m straight but have gay/bisexual people in my family but even if I didn’t I’d not feel like your friend.
It’s not share my sexuality with her but perhaps consider talking to her about how she made you feel.
People like her put things back more than ever. How disappointed you would have felt.

Ummm, no. It's not homophobic. You cannot control other people's minds unless your script comes from 1984. Scary.

A gay sex scene is described as disgusting and not something she wanted to see, watching a lesbian sex scene is almost as bad, asking why lesbians want to touch up and do “who knows what” and then calling them grim and laughing about it is pretty clearly homophobic @WimpoleHat. I think you are confused as to who the bigot is!

She just sounds prudish.

And she has no idea at all what she is missing. 😆

I'm so sorry, OP. I find her remarks shocking and offensive and am amazing so many people here are so eager to justify it.

Of course she can think whatever she wants. But you weren't asking if she was allowed to feel that way, you were asking if you would be unreasonable to pull back from the friendship. The answer to that is no, not at all. You don't owe her your continued friendship now that she's revealed this side of herself.

If you want to, you could consider "probing further" or trying to broaden her mind a bit. But you're not responsible for doing those things, and she may not welcome it. Though it might be worthwhile being honest if she asks you why you've pulled back. A simple "I'm not comfortable with remarks you've made about homosexuality" may be most straightforward.

As they say ‘Don’t knock it until you try it’! 🤩

So, just to be clear... OP's friend is entitled to say that she finds gay men 'disgusting' but a bunch of us aren't entitled to think that this is homophobic. Gotcha.

@Oddbobbyboo to clarify: you didn’t say it, but OP’s friend did say it; that’s what I was referring to

She is allowed to say she find anal sex disgusting without thinking the person involved in the activity is disgusting. You have to try and distinguish the difference between the two.

She was not saying all gay people are disgusting
She was saying she finds anal sex disgusting

I am amazed that you feel you can muzzle her view. She does not have to like watching sex, whether it is anal or lesbian sex. She is perfectly entitled to not like it. It is her personal choice. What is definitely not okay is to say Gay people are disgusting calph

No one has to like anything!!

What you must not do is say because you are gay I don't like you, or you are not worthy of the same respect as me. I am judging you. I can't be friends with you because of your sexual taste. That is discrimination. Of course it is.

You have to be able to see the difference. I have many gay male friends, the things they do shocks me, I do find some of it disgusting actually, but I still absolutely love them and they can do whatever they like! It is not up to me what they do - in the same way they would be horrified by my sexual practices I am sure and still think the world of me.

She did not say she found gay men disgusting!

She said she found watching anal sex disgusting, she does not like anal sex.

Why can't you see the difference???

One thing to think same-sex relations are not your cup of tea, and that's okay.

To lambast others who feel differently to you as 'disgusting' is quite another, and unvarnished homophobia.

I too am bi. I don't justify or discuss my sexuality as a rule; I'm neither hiding in the closet nor leaping about waving rainbow flags (especially since I don't at all like what they've come to stand for in recent years). In any event, given I'm in a two-decade relationship with a man it tends not to be relevant, and in certain LGBT rhetoric I have 'let the side down' by becoming heteronormative. I seriously don't have time for any of that shit.

I've also experienced some horribly bi-phobic remarks from people I thought better of, some of them disappointingly members of my own family. I find sometimes that even people who are respectful of lesbian/gay people can cast extremely negative judgements against bisexuals. Notable examples include that we are promiscuous, not at all discerning about who we go to bed with, and that you can 'excuse' being attracted to one sex or the other, but both is just greedy. As for 'gender', being bi means you don't have autonomy to refuse sex with anyone who fancies it, on the grounds that you simply don't fancy them, and avoid accusations of being a bigot. Incredible though it seems, I've heard variations on all these themes. Aside from telling those people that I think they're wrong, I haven't engaged further on the subject on any personal level or attempted to justify my own private business. And whilst I couldn't bring myself to cut some of them off, I've significantly distanced myself.

Shame that people have to be so prejudiced against something that has absolutely no effect on them. I'm sorry your friend has proved such a letdown, OP. Only you know whether or not you can look past this

@Festoonlights …no one said anything about anal sex. Do you realise that two gay men having sex doesn’t always involve anal? If not I think your own assumptions are clearly colouring this

My friend said it in relation to a programme she’d been watching with her husband which was about the Gay scene (males) and she told me she’d made her husband turn it off because it was disgusting and not something she wanted to see.

Where does she say she finds anal sex disgusting? Or are you just projecting?

She's entitled to those views and I'm sure if she knew your history, she wouldn't want to be friends with you.

Thanks for your directness.

But to be fair, it does sum up quite well my point.

Her husband picked up the children tonight so I haven’t seen her. That might be a good thing though as I’ve got a bit more time to reflect on it now and work out the best way to move forwards before I see her tomorrow morning.

And for a previous poster who asked, there are only 3 people who know about my bisexuality which is my sister and my two closest friend of over 20 years.