AIBU to be put out by friends' kids turning up to grown-up dinner?

[VingtQuatreFaubourg]

This weekend we had four other couples, all old friends, round to eat and to celebrate various things and catch up after the summer. We all have teens of various ages. I said it was going to be grown-ups only so it wasn't too unwieldy/expensive and we could chat freely, relax and enjoy some nice food and wine. My DC were very happy with this and they planned a sleepover elsewhere. Childcare/other arrangements made by the other families (or so I thought).

On the evening we were all having a great time, and then halfway through dinner one couple's older two teens turned up. We were surprised but said hi, how are you, lovely to see you etc and expected them to just be popping in for a few minutes (they said they were on their way out to a party) BUT they basically joined us, ended up staying for hours, eating and drinking, a bit of 'holding court' going on, and it just completely changed the dynamic as they were so dominant - it stopped being a grown-up conversation. They are lovely kids but it was not the evening I had planned.

Their parents completely indulged and encouraged this (it's not the first time this kind of thing has happened, now I think about it, they seem to think their kids are 'special' and adults-only boundaries don't apply to them) and didn't say anything. Eventually DH gently suggested it was time for them to go so we could get back to the adult chat, but it was a bit awkward.

AIBU to think our friends and the teens should have understood that a grown-up evening doesn't include anyone's children?

@nutellachurro

you’re making no sense

anyways they weren’t invited - they should
haven’t been there

teens don’t have to be the centre of eerything

end of

@LuckySantangelo35

I never said it was fine for them to attend if not invited

Merely pointing out adults don't need to filter themselves around 16/17 year olds - that's a very MN view based on similar threads over the years.

You don't seem to understand how conversations work - not surprised but still

Have a nice evening

Well that totally depends what you are talking about doesn't it !

Cheers u too

@nutellachurro Who cares what the teenagers are ok or not ok with. It's not about them. Maybe the OP wants to talk about her private business with her friends.

Are all the couples parents? If so, "parents only" would get round the ambiguity of "adults only", but I guess if everyone's kids are also 16+, it should be obvious you mean no one's children at all.

I don't think the kids are to blame here - it's their parents for inviting them to gatecrash.

TBH, if they don't have the social skills to understand when their children are and aren't invited, I just wouldn't invite them to things like this. You're right, someone else's kids will always change the dynamics. Even if you're really old and they're really old.

It wasn't really a case of adults only. It was 'friends only, no offspring.' You shouldn't have had to spell that out.

one guest pipes up wtaf muffin you told me I couldn’t bring mine wtf is wrong with mine? Looking forward to having an adults night where I didn’t have to watch my cunting language.

@ihatethefuckingmuffin Legend! I bet OP wishes one of her friends had stepped up like that

Clearly the OP does

Ffs

I was merely replying to one of the OPs comments saying she had to filter her conversations

Christ on a bike

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

Of course not

Hence stating many adults don't feel the need to filter or censor conversations around 16/17 year olds.

Seems to be one of the many MN 'things'

Well I'm sure even my adult kids dont want to hear about the random guy I shagged the other weekend and I know my friends adult dc feel the same so yeah, we would be censoring our conversations if any of the children were around

Yes but they're not filtering for the 16/17-year-old's sake. It's because they don't feel comfortable talking like that in front of 16/17-year-olds. That changes the dynamic.

Thinking that your friends 16 year olds don't need to be part of certain conversations does not equate to "not understanding how conversations work" 😂
There are large gaps in your own understanding, it would appear.

Merely pointing out adults don't need to filter themselves around 16/17 year olds

DD and I definitely have different conversations now she’s in her mid 20s than we did when she was 16/17 and still at school, fairly sheltered from the actual realities of life.

16/17 year olds are still kids, not adults. Most of them don’t have fulltime jobs, have to pay rent/mortgage etc. So obviously conversations will be totally different if they lever themselves into a dinner party they were purposely not invited too. And the fact they just walked in round the back makes it worse! Cheeky beggars. Bet they didn’t offer to help either, but just pushed in to the table and expected to be served.

I filter all conversations between what I might discuss with family/close friends/friends/acquaintances

Teenagers do not equate to the close friends the OP invited to dinner.

I survived many times drinking on an empty stomach. It was called getting a kebab or pizza on the way home. I could never eat before going out drinking. Now I could maybe manage a slice of toast before hand but that would be it

Its not just the teenagers being there uninvited, it’s the “dominating conversation and holding court”.

Having been in this situation, with the other adults invited actually not speaking for over an hour while the teenager animatedly droned on about utter utter shite while parents looked upon them with wonder and awe, I actually made my excuses and bloody left.

A complete waste of my “child free evening”.

I’ve got kids, if I’d have wanted an evening with them, I’d have stayed home… like i do every bloody night of the bastard week.

Not the first time either, so I don’t bother anymore.
Tedious, presumptive and annoying.

Yes, they do.

Did you read the post? They didn't 'drop in'; they stayed for hours. They didn't 'chat'; they monopolised the conversation.

OP, YANBU at all. I'd have been pissed off too. Sounds like your dh dealt with it well.

@bloodyunicorns Yes, I read the post. I have a different view to yours 🤷‍♀️

@LaundryBin - all we can go by is what OP said, as we weren't there. What she describes isn't what you described. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I filter myself all the time - don't we all? I wouldn't have the same conversations with my friends as my boss. I wouldn't have the same conversations with someone else's child as my friends. I wouldn't have the same conversations with someone I don't know hugely well as someone I know very well.

I doubt I'd be discussing vaginal dryness with my friends' husbands to be honest, but I'd be extremely surprised if a teenage girl was experiencing symptoms of perimenopause and wanted to talk to me about them. I think it would be putting a lot on someone else's teenage child to tell them my anxieties about my job security and how I might pay my bills and expect any sort of constructive experience-informed answer.

If these kid's company was such a treat for op they'd have been invited, @LaundryBin 😂

OP’s language reflects the fact she was pissed off about it. My post is about how I’d feel if it happened to me- I wouldn’t be pissed off so I wouldn’t perceive it in the same way and I wouldn’t use negative language. I’m expressing a different view to yours. You’re free not to share it but please don’t try to correct me.

I always think threads like this show MN at its most bonkers. Small social infractions can be dealt with easily at the time- instead OP sat their seething, bitched about it online afterwards and now has scores of people telling her never to see her friends again. Is this how people really live? Sounds like hard work.

Sounds like hard work.

😂😂😂😂😂

@Doubleraspberry I filter my conversations when I want to with the emphasis on when I want to.

Its just bad manners to turn up like that when not invited.