Page 10 | AIBU to be put out by friends' kids turning up to grown-up dinner?

VingtQuatreFaubourg · 2022-09-05T12:05:36+00:00

This weekend we had four other couples, all old friends, round to eat and to celebrate various things and catch up after the summer. We all have teens of various ages. I said it was going to be grown-ups only so it wasn't too unwieldy/expensive and we could chat freely, relax and enjoy some nice food and wine. My DC were very happy with this and they planned a sleepover elsewhere. Childcare/other arrangements made by the other families (or so I thought). On the evening we were all having a great time, and then halfway through dinner one couple's older two teens turned up. We were surprised but said hi, how are you, lovely to see you etc and expected them to just be popping in for a few minutes (they said they were on their way out to a party) BUT they basically joined us, ended up staying for hours, eating and drinking, a bit of 'holding court' going on, and it just completely changed the dynamic as they were so dominant - it stopped being a grown-up conversation. They are lovely kids but it was not the evening I had planned. Their parents completely indulged and encouraged this (it's not the first time this kind of thing has happened, now I think about it, they seem to think their kids are 'special' and adults-only boundaries don't apply to them) and didn't say anything. Eventually DH gently suggested it was time for them to go so we could get back to the adult chat, but it was a bit awkward. AIBU to think our friends and the teens should have understood that a grown-up evening doesn't include anyone's children?

Doubleraspberry · 06/09/2022 08:46

Adversity · 06/09/2022 08:42

@Doubleraspberry I filter my conversations when I want to with the emphasis on when I want to.

Its just bad manners to turn up like that when not invited.

I've already agreed with that. I was responding to the poster saying there was no issue with teenagers being there as there should be no need to filter anything you say for their benefit. My point is that we all filter, all the time, and I personally filter in front of teenagers because I don't think they want to hear everything I have to say, nor do I particularly want to discuss everything with them!

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/09/2022 08:51

Yes but the responsibility is on your friends not the kids

Original poster

VingtQuatreFaubourg · 06/09/2022 09:13

@LaundryBin I did not sit there 'seething' and I have not 'bitched' - I wanted to know if MN would be as surprised/baffled/irritated by the situation as I was, or if I was being unreasonable - 7% of you say I am, fair enough. There was no drama and I'm certainly not going to sack off old friends based on what I found to be (as did the other guests) a weird social situation.

The variety of views has been interesting. There is very much a place for joyful family get-togethers with lovely teens and we have many, many of them. This was specifically, clearly and deliberately not that. Next time I think an adults-only catch up would be nice I'll suggest dinner out, otherwise everyone welcome, as ever.

OP posts:

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 09:15

@Arbesque

Why do adults NEED to filter their conversations around 16/17 year olds?

They might WANT to

But they don't NEED to

tenbob · 06/09/2022 09:17

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 09:15

@Arbesque

Why do adults NEED to filter their conversations around 16/17 year olds?

They might WANT to

But they don't NEED to

Because 16 and 17 year olds don’t have the same maturity and understanding as adults on a lot of topics?

isn’t that blindingly obvious?!
or are you trying to be cool-parent-my-teen-is-my-best-friend-we-tell-each-other-everything

Original poster

VingtQuatreFaubourg · 06/09/2022 09:19

@nutellachurro You're deliberately and repeatedly missing the point of this thread. It might not even be a 'filtered' conversation as such, it's certainly a different one than it would be in the (expected, on this occasion) absence of 16/17 year olds.

OP posts:

wellhelloitsme · 06/09/2022 09:20

@nutellachurro

Merely pointing out adults don't need to filter themselves around 16/17 year olds - that's a very MN view based on similar threads over the years.

Even if you think they don't need to, do you not understand they might want to?!

I don't need to filter myself around my friends' partners either but there are some I choose to filter myself around simply because I want to as I may not know them that well, the issue I'm discussing may be one I only want to discuss with my friend etc.

LaundryBin · 06/09/2022 09:20

I'm certainly not going to sack off old friends based on what I found to be (as did the other guests) a weird social situation.

Well, that’s good. I find MN advice on things like this tends to be quite extreme.

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 09:27

wellhelloitsme · 06/09/2022 09:20

@nutellachurro

Merely pointing out adults don't need to filter themselves around 16/17 year olds - that's a very MN view based on similar threads over the years.

Even if you think they don't need to, do you not understand they might want to?!

I don't need to filter myself around my friends' partners either but there are some I choose to filter myself around simply because I want to as I may not know them that well, the issue I'm discussing may be one I only want to discuss with my friend etc.

Of course

I even said as much in my last comment

But wants are different to needs

Hence they're different words

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 09:28

VingtQuatreFaubourg · 06/09/2022 09:19

@nutellachurro You're deliberately and repeatedly missing the point of this thread. It might not even be a 'filtered' conversation as such, it's certainly a different one than it would be in the (expected, on this occasion) absence of 16/17 year olds.

And that's up to you and the other guests to make it that way.

It's not the teens fault you and others decided not to talk about certain issues around them

That's on you (all)

MzHz · 06/09/2022 09:38

I don’t understand why the end of dinner part of the evening wasn’t the time where @VingtQuatreFaubourg or DH said, well thanks for popping in, off you go to your party and let us carry on with ours.

BadNomad · 06/09/2022 09:40

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 09:28

And that's up to you and the other guests to make it that way.

It's not the teens fault you and others decided not to talk about certain issues around them

That's on you (all)

Show quote history

What are you on about? Maybe you don't have respect or boundaries around children, but most other people will moderate what they say depending on their audience. Talking about your sex life to a 16-year-old is inappropriate. If a man did it he would get in to trouble. I cant believe you think it's appropriate to talk to teens like that.

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/09/2022 10:10

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 09:15

@Arbesque

Why do adults NEED to filter their conversations around 16/17 year olds?

They might WANT to

But they don't NEED to

@nutellachurro

and your point is?

op does feel she needs to/want to filter her conversation

and as it was her bloody birthday so she gets to decide what suits her and who she wants there!

teens and what what want or don’t want do not get to trump adults

tenbob · 06/09/2022 10:13

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 09:15

@Arbesque

Why do adults NEED to filter their conversations around 16/17 year olds?

They might WANT to

But they don't NEED to

Surely you’re not actually saying you can’t imagine any conversation topics that would upset/confuse/embarrass a 16 year old..?

do you only have the worlds dullest conversations with your friends?

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 10:22

@tenbob

When teens choose to join adult conversation it's up to them to leave if the topics aren't their thing

We discuss sex, abortions, drug usage as teens, jobs, whether one friends latest date has followed all the others and had the worlds smallest penis, I'd have no issue continuing these conversations around a 16/17 year old

Neither would anyone else across all my social circles

If the teens want to join they blend in, this has happened a few times and they just either walk away if listening to Sarah moaning about her latest OLD disaster is boring them or join in.

Same applied when I was a teen

It's only on MN I ever hear of people getting uptight about what's said around older teens. A bit weird tbh

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 10:23

@BadNomad

Considering most 16 year olds could well join in with discussions about their own sex lives your comment is a bit weird

tenbob · 06/09/2022 10:32

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 10:22

@tenbob

When teens choose to join adult conversation it's up to them to leave if the topics aren't their thing

We discuss sex, abortions, drug usage as teens, jobs, whether one friends latest date has followed all the others and had the worlds smallest penis, I'd have no issue continuing these conversations around a 16/17 year old

Neither would anyone else across all my social circles

If the teens want to join they blend in, this has happened a few times and they just either walk away if listening to Sarah moaning about her latest OLD disaster is boring them or join in.

Same applied when I was a teen

It's only on MN I ever hear of people getting uptight about what's said around older teens. A bit weird tbh

Ah, I was right, and you are trying to be CoolMum and your oh-so-funny stories about drugs and sex

i can only imagine how much they cringe at you!

Back on planet Earth, the majority of people know teens don’t have the emotional maturity to deal with all the same conversations as adults, or the social skills to understand things like confidentiality and discretion

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 10:43

@tenbob

It's not about being a cool mum

It's normal for me, my entire social circle, my family, colleagues, friends families etc.

If teens want to join they can but they aren't going to derail most peoples evening conversation. That's my biggest issue with what happened in the OP, they took over and were unreasonable for that alone.

Infantilising 16/17 year olds is very odd. And many of the teens in our social circles actively want to come and join in for evenings, so hardly embarrassing them unless they're gluttons for punishment!

Doubleraspberry · 06/09/2022 10:48

Rather depends on the teens, doesn't it? They're not all the same. Some would be utterly mortified by the sort of discussions you mention, and I assume their parents would know that and moderate what they talked about as a result.

You can't make a blanket statement that no one needs to filter what they say in front of teenagers. Your mileage may vary.

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/09/2022 10:49

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 10:43

@tenbob

It's not about being a cool mum

It's normal for me, my entire social circle, my family, colleagues, friends families etc.

If teens want to join they can but they aren't going to derail most peoples evening conversation. That's my biggest issue with what happened in the OP, they took over and were unreasonable for that alone.

Infantilising 16/17 year olds is very odd. And many of the teens in our social circles actively want to come and join in for evenings, so hardly embarrassing them unless they're gluttons for punishment!

@nutellachurro

you’re missing the point

it’s not about what the teens want or feel or choose

it’s the fact that OP didn’t want them there and she feels she would have to censor herself and as it was HER birthday her preferences take precedence!

adults and their wants come first sometimes can you really not get your head round that?!

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 10:55

@LuckySantangelo35

It wasn't for her birthday

Her birthday was one of the many events being celebrated that evening from her own posts.

I have said the teens were unreasonable, they shouldn't dominate conversation when they weren't invited.

If the OP was so hung up on it she should have said something at the time.

I'm allowed my own opinion about the OP being a bit silly for feeling like she couldn't openly chat with older teens present.

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 10:57

Doubleraspberry · 06/09/2022 10:48

Rather depends on the teens, doesn't it? They're not all the same. Some would be utterly mortified by the sort of discussions you mention, and I assume their parents would know that and moderate what they talked about as a result.

You can't make a blanket statement that no one needs to filter what they say in front of teenagers. Your mileage may vary.

Of course it does

Those who can't handle adult conversation have the option to not gatecrash adult conversations.

It's self policing

I'm no fan of putting children at the centre of everyone's universe, if they choose to gatecrash they can't then get funny about the topics of conversation being had.

The teens in this situation were unreasonable for dominating the conversation, that doesn't however change my view that adults claiming they need to alter or filter their conversation topics around 16/17 year olds are a bit weird.

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/09/2022 11:15

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 10:55

@LuckySantangelo35

It wasn't for her birthday

Her birthday was one of the many events being celebrated that evening from her own posts.

I have said the teens were unreasonable, they shouldn't dominate conversation when they weren't invited.

If the OP was so hung up on it she should have said something at the time.

I'm allowed my own opinion about the OP being a bit silly for feeling like she couldn't openly chat with older teens present.

@nutellachurro

yup they are celebrating adults stuff

regardless of whether op was “silly” to feel the need to censor the key issue is that the teens were self abSorbed enough to crash a party they weren’t invited to. Filtering around teens is completely irrelevant. Some people do and some don’t, but that’s irrelevant.it doesn’t matter.

you say you don’t disagree with this

so we do actually agree

MsTSwift · 06/09/2022 11:15

It was her house she cooked they were very rude. As the majority agree.

Not all 16 year olds are sophisticated wild cool cats I wouldn’t casually discuss those topics in a drunken way with friends with my 16 year old there. No way.

Doubleraspberry · 06/09/2022 11:18

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/09/2022 11:15

@nutellachurro

yup they are celebrating adults stuff

regardless of whether op was “silly” to feel the need to censor the key issue is that the teens were self abSorbed enough to crash a party they weren’t invited to. Filtering around teens is completely irrelevant. Some people do and some don’t, but that’s irrelevant.it doesn’t matter.

you say you don’t disagree with this

so we do actually agree

Show quote history

@nutellachurro Yep, I'm confused. In a single post you say of course you need to take each teenager as they come, but then go on to say

The teens in this situation were unreasonable for dominating the conversation, that doesn't however change my view that adults claiming they need to alter or filter their conversation topics around 16/17 year olds are a bit weird.

Why are parents weird for filtering when you've just agreed that it might be needed for some teens? I'd argue that very few teenagers I know would want to hear about the sex lives of the adults they know, especially their parents.