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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be put out by friends' kids turning up to grown-up dinner?

306 replies

VingtQuatreFaubourg · 05/09/2022 13:05

This weekend we had four other couples, all old friends, round to eat and to celebrate various things and catch up after the summer. We all have teens of various ages. I said it was going to be grown-ups only so it wasn't too unwieldy/expensive and we could chat freely, relax and enjoy some nice food and wine. My DC were very happy with this and they planned a sleepover elsewhere. Childcare/other arrangements made by the other families (or so I thought).

On the evening we were all having a great time, and then halfway through dinner one couple's older two teens turned up. We were surprised but said hi, how are you, lovely to see you etc and expected them to just be popping in for a few minutes (they said they were on their way out to a party) BUT they basically joined us, ended up staying for hours, eating and drinking, a bit of 'holding court' going on, and it just completely changed the dynamic as they were so dominant - it stopped being a grown-up conversation. They are lovely kids but it was not the evening I had planned.

Their parents completely indulged and encouraged this (it's not the first time this kind of thing has happened, now I think about it, they seem to think their kids are 'special' and adults-only boundaries don't apply to them) and didn't say anything. Eventually DH gently suggested it was time for them to go so we could get back to the adult chat, but it was a bit awkward.

AIBU to think our friends and the teens should have understood that a grown-up evening doesn't include anyone's children?

OP posts:
mackthepony · 05/09/2022 13:48

I'm sorry but what on earth is wrong with teenagers these days? Why are they not too busy clubbing or having their boyf/girlfriend round whilst their parents areout at some dinner?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 05/09/2022 13:48

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 05/09/2022 13:47

First world problems 🙄

And? Did I miss a memo that you have to approve all posts on MN to make sure they're sufficiently serious and worthy of discussion? Hmm

mackthepony · 05/09/2022 13:48

I have a young teen who really enjoys adult company when we have friends over. He is quite chatty and easy going, and I'll usually let him hand round with us for a while at the start of the evening. It's lovely!

^

It's not. 🙄

MsTSwift · 05/09/2022 13:50

Urgh with you op how annoying! Where are their manners! Not everyone wants to hear someone else’s indulged teen banging on whole point of adult socialising is to drink wine and to escape the kids of whatever age how do they not get this <shudder>.

I had friends over on Friday Dd crept in made a pizza smiled a rueful hello then crept off as most normal teens would!

WimpoleHat · 05/09/2022 13:51

halfway through dinner one couple's older two teens turned up.

This is very odd. If they’d turned up to start with, you’d have thought the friends might have assumed it was an invitation for the whole family (especially if you have teenagers too). But very odd to turn up halfway through without any prior warning or explanation.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2022 13:53

I have a young teen who really enjoys adult company when we have friends over. He is quite chatty and easy going, and I'll usually let him hand round with us for a while at the start of the evening. It's lovely!

I guarantee your friends don't think it's "lovely." Your friends want hard earned adult time, not listening to a teen banging on.

WimpoleHat · 05/09/2022 13:54

I have a young teen who really enjoys adult company when we have friends over. He is quite chatty and easy going, and I'll usually let him hand round with us for a while at the start of the evening.

I’d have no problem with that if I’d gone to your house - he lives there. Similarly, it wouldn’t be odd if he came back halfway through dinner (to his own home). But he wouldn’t think to turn up like that to someone else’s house, surely?

10HailMarys · 05/09/2022 14:00

It's really weird that a couple of teens would turn up halfway through the evening 'on their way to a party' but then stay in the first place, but it's even weirder that their parents didn't say 'Right, you two - off you go to your party because we're eating now'.

I suppose if by 'older teens' you mean 17/18/19 then the parents might have assumed you were including them as 'adults', but in that case why would they only turn up halfway through 'on their way to a party' and not just turn up at the same time as their parents?

Anyway, yes, I'd find it very irritating. One of my friends has two sons who are both now in their 20s but the older one was one of those very precocious, ultra-middle-class, academic 'young fogey' type teenagers who always wanted to hang around with the adults. My friend thought he was the most amazing teenager ever and that we'd all love his company but he was just insufferable - incredibly full of himself and extremely pretentious. We all much preferred his younger brother who just used to pop in and say hi with his skateboard under his arm.

ToppCat · 05/09/2022 14:00

I enjoy the company of teens and it wouldn’t have bothered me a bit.

KimberleyClark · 05/09/2022 14:03

I think the party probably didn’t exist and the parents just wanted to show off their teens.

Original poster
VingtQuatreFaubourg · 05/09/2022 14:05

Thanks all for your responses. No, they are not adults - they are 16/17, same age as one of mine and two other offspring of our various friends. I love my own kids' company, and I like these other children too, they are generally all good fun, bright, interesting, polite etc. But given that not even my children were at their own house (and wouldn't have chosen to eat with us in any case even if they hadn't planned to be out) I think it was a bit rude to assume on anyone's part that they could stay and 'hijack' the evening. And I don't really get why they would want to hang out with us if I'm honest! If their parents had been hosting it would be been less odd to have them around as the only kids for a bit, although I would probably still be thinking "yes, enough about TikTok influencers, please can we get back to middle-aged moaning about fuel bills over slightly too much wine?" (I'm joking, the chat is generally a lot funnier, and ruder, than that ;-))

OP posts:
youlightupmyday · 05/09/2022 14:08

I think my closest friends' kids are great (mostly 15-20yrs). We often have dinner all of us together and have a laugh they never stay that long ( normally just the meal) and I love it, I find them funny, I formative and interesting (Just to balance the everyone dislikes time with all other people's children narrative that is so common on here.)

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2022 14:11

ToppCat · 05/09/2022 14:00

I enjoy the company of teens and it wouldn’t have bothered me a bit.

This isn't even the point though, is it? The op told her guests before the dinner that this was to be adults only, and her friends totally disregarded that. I enjoy teenagers, too, but this couple were incredibly rude to allow thier teens to crash the event.

Lovetogarden2022 · 05/09/2022 14:13

I personally find it odd that people would want to exclude their children and friend's children from a get-together. My parents and their friends have always invited everyone over and made it clear that the kids (whether they're 3 or 33!) are welcome to join.
If you don't want them sitting with you for dinner, you can do a few pizzas and put a film on for them. I personally wouldn't go to a dinner party where my kids weren't invited and weren't made welcome.
I can honestly think of nothing nicer than my friend's kids coming over to the house and wanting to spend time with us as a group and input their opinions on different issues etc

Afly · 05/09/2022 14:14

Why do so many people on here act as if everyone's children should be shoved in a cupboard under the stairs as to not ever disturb the adults.
The way that people are talking about children and teenagers as if they are the worst and most annoying thing in the planet is so strange. What a bunch of uptight people, bloody hell.
I wouldn't be friends with anyone who acted like that about my kids and I'd certainly never act like that about anyone else's kids.

WimpoleHat · 05/09/2022 14:15

I said it was going to be grown-ups only so it wasn't too unwieldy/expensive and we could chat freely, relax and enjoy some nice food and wine. My DC were very happy with this and they planned a sleepover elsewhere. Childcare/other arrangements made by the other families (or so I thought).

Ah - I misread this initially; I thought you’d said “adults only” to your kids and so the other couple might have assumed it was a family get together. But if you actually told all the guests “adults only”, then it’s very odd for them to have turned up at all….

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2022 14:16

Lovetogarden2022 · 05/09/2022 14:13

I personally find it odd that people would want to exclude their children and friend's children from a get-together. My parents and their friends have always invited everyone over and made it clear that the kids (whether they're 3 or 33!) are welcome to join.
If you don't want them sitting with you for dinner, you can do a few pizzas and put a film on for them. I personally wouldn't go to a dinner party where my kids weren't invited and weren't made welcome.
I can honestly think of nothing nicer than my friend's kids coming over to the house and wanting to spend time with us as a group and input their opinions on different issues etc

You really can't understand why some people would enjoy an occasional adults only evening? You think that's "odd?"

10HailMarys · 05/09/2022 14:17

ToppCat · 05/09/2022 14:00

I enjoy the company of teens and it wouldn’t have bothered me a bit.

@ToppCat That's fair enough, but then presumably if that's the case, and you'd been having people round for dinner, you would have included them in the invitation in the first place. Whereas the OP had made it clear the invitation was adults only.

10HailMarys · 05/09/2022 14:22

Lovetogarden2022 · 05/09/2022 14:13

I personally find it odd that people would want to exclude their children and friend's children from a get-together. My parents and their friends have always invited everyone over and made it clear that the kids (whether they're 3 or 33!) are welcome to join.
If you don't want them sitting with you for dinner, you can do a few pizzas and put a film on for them. I personally wouldn't go to a dinner party where my kids weren't invited and weren't made welcome.
I can honestly think of nothing nicer than my friend's kids coming over to the house and wanting to spend time with us as a group and input their opinions on different issues etc

You can find it as odd as you like, but the fact remains that for the vast majority of the population it's perfectly normal and common for adults to want to get together without kids sometimes.

PauliesWalnuts · 05/09/2022 14:24

My friend does this. I had to spell it out for her once - "I'm friends with you, not your kids".

oakleaffy · 05/09/2022 14:25

Urgh! Showy-offy teens holding court- Absolutely know the type, plus they eat like horses at that age.
yANBU

billy1966 · 05/09/2022 14:25

Unbelievably rude.

Very sad how some adults cannot fathom how adults like to hangout together without children, likewise teens the same.

There is no way my children would be off doing their own thing during an adult evening and a guests kids holding court!

Your friends are very rude and very disrespectful of your home.

I would be unimpressed and I bet your other friends would be too.

Next time forget to invite them.

They were told it was adult only and made the choice to ignore your wishes, in your own home.

Ki44 · 05/09/2022 14:27

I'm really not sure I'm clear on what happened here. You were hosting a sit down dinner party at your house. Then half way through dinner there was a chime at the front door and you go to answer it and there's a 16 and 17yr old stood there saying- hi are our Mum and Dad here, and then they just waltzed in, sat down and started eating food and hijacking the conversation and then they left to go to a party?

That's very weird.

How did they get to your house?

The only thing I can imagine is that their parents told them to stop by before going out? And if you'd explicitly said - adults only then I guess they feel your rules don't apply to them!

billy1966 · 05/09/2022 14:27

As hostess for a meal for 8 and the time and effort that involves, I really would be very annoyed at the rudeness.

I am so fond of my friends children, all of them.

phishy · 05/09/2022 14:28

Eventually DH gently suggested it was time for them to go so we could get back to the adult chat, but it was a bit awkward.

Good on your DH? Did the teens depart? Did their parents protest?

I would have a word with the parents, they seem to think it's a different rule for them.