AIBU to be put out by friends' kids turning up to grown-up dinner?

[VingtQuatreFaubourg]

This weekend we had four other couples, all old friends, round to eat and to celebrate various things and catch up after the summer. We all have teens of various ages. I said it was going to be grown-ups only so it wasn't too unwieldy/expensive and we could chat freely, relax and enjoy some nice food and wine. My DC were very happy with this and they planned a sleepover elsewhere. Childcare/other arrangements made by the other families (or so I thought).

On the evening we were all having a great time, and then halfway through dinner one couple's older two teens turned up. We were surprised but said hi, how are you, lovely to see you etc and expected them to just be popping in for a few minutes (they said they were on their way out to a party) BUT they basically joined us, ended up staying for hours, eating and drinking, a bit of 'holding court' going on, and it just completely changed the dynamic as they were so dominant - it stopped being a grown-up conversation. They are lovely kids but it was not the evening I had planned.

Their parents completely indulged and encouraged this (it's not the first time this kind of thing has happened, now I think about it, they seem to think their kids are 'special' and adults-only boundaries don't apply to them) and didn't say anything. Eventually DH gently suggested it was time for them to go so we could get back to the adult chat, but it was a bit awkward.

AIBU to think our friends and the teens should have understood that a grown-up evening doesn't include anyone's children?

Completely understand where you’re coming from. Given the choice I’d much rather hang out with my own children but it was meant to be child free for a reason otherwise you would have had yours around too. Probably would’ve made it more bearable.

I’ve had this happen as well.
Told everyone would be great to catch up without the kids around. Mine are away on X date, if your available let’s catch up at mine.

Just about to sit down and one of the guests teens showed up saying sorry they’re late. Something smells good and they’re famished.

one guest pipes up wtaf muffin you told me I couldn’t bring mine wtf is wrong with mine? Looking forward to having an adults night where I didn’t have to watch my cunting language.

Teens and parents left. It had been orchestrated for them to come thinking once there I would just find extra food for them.

Had friend given me a chance I would have sent them packing. It had been 18 long months since I had last been child free or even had the mental and physical energy to be around a group of friends.

I said it was going to be grown-ups only so it wasn't too unwieldy/expensive and we could chat freely, relax and enjoy some nice food and wine.

I bet, in reality, this hinges on exactly how you said this.

How can you say 'grown ups only' so that sounds like 'please bring your teenagers'?

@Aflywell that’s your prerogative to never spend a second away from your kids. I bet they’re all under ten though, and as such are delighted to be in your presence 247.

Personally there are things I don’t want to discuss with my or any other children present, and sometimes I just like being in adult company. There’s nothing wrong with that and it’s not snide or mean or whatever thing you’re wringing your hands over.

Why do so many people on here (wilfully) misrepresent what the OP and other posters have said so they can take some imagined moral high ground?

Nobody's said children and teenagers are the worst thing in the world. Parents are allowed to have some adult time to themselves from time to time though if that's what they want. And it is extremely rude to turn up to someone's party uninvited and outstay your welcome, whatever age you are.

I think @10HailMarys was referring to @mam0918‘s comment that all adults love having her 14-year-old around for grown-up chitchat.

But in any case, I don’t think most adults would want to talk about their wild shags and divorces and so on with their friends’ 16-19 year old children either.

Yep. This. If they (or their parents) don't want you talking about this stuff in front of them, you can remind everyone that you always said it was adults-only night...

Gawd. Have had this at an expensive restaurant meal catch up. Dynamic changed. My friend had to be rescued from sitting next to boring teenagers ( her first night out without her own teenagers for ages!) Noooo

But you don't have to apply a filter

They're 16/17

Not 7

How can you say 'grown ups only' so that sounds like 'please bring your teenagers'?

This is my point, though (albeit in reverse!). And bear in mind that, with this group, the usual dynamic is that they do things as families. So - on that basis - did she say:

a) “Grown ups only. No kids. Mine are going to a sleepover, so make sure you can sort childcare for yours. It’s my birthday and I’d like an adults only evening.”

or….

b) “I do think it’d be nicer to keep it smaller and be able to kick back and chat and relax and have an evening by ourselves. DC are going to their friend’s house that evening…..”

Because whereas b) to the OP patently means “adults only - do not bring your kids”, to someone else who’s used to a different set up, they possibly miss the implication. Let’s face it, British people are known for not being direct about things. So many misunderstandings happen that way.

I love spending time with mine and friends late teens/young adults .

This would really bloody annoy me though! I'd have been looking forward to a night without children (even my adult ones!) So having someone else's teens turn up would not have been appreciated

@KalvinPhillipsBoots

First world problems 🙄

I live in the UK like the majority of posters. mn is going to get real quiet if we can't discuss first world problems.

What 16/17 year old wants to listen to that stuff? Anyway, these kids weren't listening to anybody, they were holding court themselves.

@Johnnysgirl

Most with any degree of conversational skills

It's not about wanting to listen to certain topics, I can almost bet most 40 year olds don't actively want to listen to friends harping on about the menopause, it's about having conversations with others.

In my family once you hit 15/16 you're counted as an adult and included in said conversations. No one has to censor what they say, I find it's only the uptight who get funny about this sort of thing anyway

Actually - OP - here’s a practical idea. When you speak to one of the other couples, say something like “oh gosh, I am sorry. I thought I’d made it clear to Anne and Dave that it was adults only; I hope you didn’t go to a lot of trouble to arrange childcare/think I was trying to exclude your DC”. And then you get their opinions on the situation without being seen to be overtly bitching. You may find out that they always do that - or, alternatively, that they are mortified by their own misunderstanding of the situation.

@nutellachurro

would they really wanna hear about a husbands impotence or your vagina dryness or whatever though?

either way, they weren’t invited they shouldn’t have been there

they should have been out with their own pals

I’m sure if Op ever tried to join one of their birthday parties she would not be tolerated by them

@LuckySantangelo35

Do you think your friends want to hear about your dry vagina?

No

Because conversation isn't usually based on what people want to hear, it's based on what people want to talk about.

@nutellachurro

they might do, just in the same way that if they had a dry vag and wanted to talk about it I wouldn’t have an issue doing so at all

that’s what me and my pals are like you see - no topics is off limits amongst us, we talk about what we want to to each other

Kids teens whatever do NOT have to be involved and centred in absolutely everything

FACT

that’s what this boils to

a couple of people on here seem to think they should be

@LuckySantangelo35

As are mine

But conversation isn't based on what people want to hear

It's based on what you want to talk about

Odd this has to be explained (but based on your comments on other threads I'm not surprised) as it's a basic concept most grasp by 8 or 9

Hence why it's a bit silly to get worked up about teens being present.

They're just as likely to want to hear about your dry vag as a 17 year old is.

🤣

Yeah well I like to spend some time with just my friends occasionally in the same way my 27 and 19 year olds like to go out or have nights in without me some times

If they're not invited, they're not invited. Same way that if your husband isnt invited to a coffee with your friends or a get together of some of old school pals he shouldn't just turn up and plonk himself in the middle of it, annoying everyone and changing the dynamic.

@Arbesque

Irrelevant comment alert

My reply was to the op saying they'd have to censor themselves

They don't

I like the company of teens so that part of it wouldn’t bother me. Similar happened to us as our house was half way between being out in town and their house so they popped in on their way home so they could share a taxi with their parents. It was lovely to see them. But not all evening I agree.