AIBU to be put out by friends' kids turning up to grown-up dinner?

[VingtQuatreFaubourg]

This weekend we had four other couples, all old friends, round to eat and to celebrate various things and catch up after the summer. We all have teens of various ages. I said it was going to be grown-ups only so it wasn't too unwieldy/expensive and we could chat freely, relax and enjoy some nice food and wine. My DC were very happy with this and they planned a sleepover elsewhere. Childcare/other arrangements made by the other families (or so I thought).

On the evening we were all having a great time, and then halfway through dinner one couple's older two teens turned up. We were surprised but said hi, how are you, lovely to see you etc and expected them to just be popping in for a few minutes (they said they were on their way out to a party) BUT they basically joined us, ended up staying for hours, eating and drinking, a bit of 'holding court' going on, and it just completely changed the dynamic as they were so dominant - it stopped being a grown-up conversation. They are lovely kids but it was not the evening I had planned.

Their parents completely indulged and encouraged this (it's not the first time this kind of thing has happened, now I think about it, they seem to think their kids are 'special' and adults-only boundaries don't apply to them) and didn't say anything. Eventually DH gently suggested it was time for them to go so we could get back to the adult chat, but it was a bit awkward.

AIBU to think our friends and the teens should have understood that a grown-up evening doesn't include anyone's children?

You don't know that. 16-year-olds aren't one homogenous group. You can't assume they are all doing the same things and at the same stage in life. You don't know if their parents are fine with them being exposed to sex talk by 50-year-old John from next door.

Well mine aren't interested in hearing details about mine and my friends sex life, same as I'm not interested in talking to my mum about hers .

So I wouldn't talk about it in front of them , I save that for when they aren't around

Should have got a bowl out and asked everyone to put their car keys in. "Time for us to start shagging each other, do you two youngsters intend to join in"

Would 4 middle aged couples really be discussing their sex lived even without teens resent?

To all those saying that it is great to have your teenage kids at an adult dinner party, how many of you go out socialising with your teenage kids and their friends. Everyone both parents and kids are entitled to a bit of time out from their respective parents and kids. If I had been the host or another guest I would have been seriously pissed off with what went on that night.

I have no idea but me and my friends are all middle aged and single so we do

YANBU. They were rude to come when not invited, and their parents are idiots.

Stop inviting the parents - problem solved!

Would 4 middle aged couples really be discussing their sex lived even without teens resent?
😂
@Doingprettywellthanks arrrrrgh, YUCK! If they were, I'd be off with the teenagers to their party instead.
Or home for a nice phat red cup of cocoa & some Alan Bennett.

YANBU. They were rude to come when not invited, and their parents are idiots.
Well, yeeees ...
idiotic & rude on this occasion. But clearly not full-time, as OP has said she doesn't want fallout & awkwards with them.

Stop inviting the parents - problem solved!
... and ... NO, prime minister.
OP doesn;t want to fall out with them.
Problem is easily solved next time with "we love the intergenerational get togethers & will have one soon. But this one's just for us adults, & we're shipping our DC out, so please let yours know it's just the old fogeys this time."

No fallout, clear comms ... & if the Offending Couple repeat-offend after that, OP or DH will have to either Use Their Words (as DH eventually did, good for him) or stop inviting them.

I would have said something. I wouldn't invite the parents again.

So what are you hoping to achieve here by this thread OP?
You clearly hate confrontation and won't say anything. More fool you. If you won't do anything or say anything and don't like standing up for yourself, you can't then complain can you?

She was checking that she's not being unreasonable to be pissed off at this.
She isn't.

I dont think anyone is suggesting banishing children from social gatherings

Yep, we often have occasions for families. Lovely. Lots of chat with teenagers, all of whom we like. Great vibe.

We also have occasions for parents only. Kids not invited. Lovely. Different vibe.

There might be occasions for women only, or men only. Other sex not invited. Lovely. Different vibe again.

Perfectly reasonable not have these restrictions for occasions.

The issue here is that the occasion was parents only, but teenagers showed up.

And the question is, given that situation, is it unreasonable to be miffed?

I don’t think it is.

@KettrickenSmiled

lol as if they would let you tag along to their party

I'd have to say something to the couple and tell them that it doesn't happen again. I have ended a friendship with someone who brought her kid to every bloody thing. I was sad to do it but being polite and nice about it didn't work so that was that!

You can certainly spot the parents on here who think they're kids are special and interesting and should be invited everywhere 🙄

lol as if they would let you tag along to their party
Hence the Alan Bennett fallback @LuckySantangelo35

Although I did get to party on down with a few teens (in a mostly 30's - 40's age group) a year or so before lockdown. They called me "the cool grandma" which was oddly gratifying.

Which is relevant as the age range was 4 - 80, & everyone had a great time.
Because everyone was invited.

My best friend used to be the same until she ended up in hospital with alcoholic ketoacidosis and nearly died.

@Somethingneedstochange

it’s not OP’s responsibility to feed her friends teens

I never said it was it's the parents responsibility. If they knew they wouldn't want to cook they should have made sure there was a pizza in they could shove in the oven.

@Somethingneedstochange

ok… not sure how that relates to OP

By “late teens” what do you think their ages are? I think 17 and 19.

surely can sort themselves out?

I'm with you OP. I have the same problem. BIL (husbands brother) visits us rarely buy when he does he always brings one or both of the kids (one is 15 and one is 20). J have no problem with either child, we get on well and see them often (their mum and dad are separated and we're still good friends with mum, infact we see her more than BIL). But when he visits we want to talk to HIM, and not be interrupted by the 'kids' butting in and adding their twopenneth to an 'adult' conversation. Whether you like the kids or not is irrelevant, it definitely changes the dynamic and I feel you have to 'watch' what you're saying. The conversation doesn't flow as easily because I'm always thinking through which topics are OK to talk about (no not sex!!!) and what things I really don't want to be talking about in front of them. The same way as there's certain things I wouldn't want to be talking about infront of my parents. Every group has a different dynamic, even two different friend groups have different dynamics. Just leave your kids at home, unless they are specifically invited!!!

Did they come for the free booze? Leave them alone sounds like fun to me

There are many things you might not want to discuss in front of others - job or money worries, health issues, marital concerns, legal problems, other people you all know - so it’s not unreasonable not to want extras at your party whether they’re teenagers or not. I’m not surprised you’re annoyed OP as their presence would’ve changed the whole atmosphere of the occasion for you and the others there.

Bizarre post 😂
You can have fun if this happens to you. Don't tell op it was fun when, to her, it clearly wasn't.