AIBU to be put out by friends' kids turning up to grown-up dinner?

[VingtQuatreFaubourg]

This weekend we had four other couples, all old friends, round to eat and to celebrate various things and catch up after the summer. We all have teens of various ages. I said it was going to be grown-ups only so it wasn't too unwieldy/expensive and we could chat freely, relax and enjoy some nice food and wine. My DC were very happy with this and they planned a sleepover elsewhere. Childcare/other arrangements made by the other families (or so I thought).

On the evening we were all having a great time, and then halfway through dinner one couple's older two teens turned up. We were surprised but said hi, how are you, lovely to see you etc and expected them to just be popping in for a few minutes (they said they were on their way out to a party) BUT they basically joined us, ended up staying for hours, eating and drinking, a bit of 'holding court' going on, and it just completely changed the dynamic as they were so dominant - it stopped being a grown-up conversation. They are lovely kids but it was not the evening I had planned.

Their parents completely indulged and encouraged this (it's not the first time this kind of thing has happened, now I think about it, they seem to think their kids are 'special' and adults-only boundaries don't apply to them) and didn't say anything. Eventually DH gently suggested it was time for them to go so we could get back to the adult chat, but it was a bit awkward.

AIBU to think our friends and the teens should have understood that a grown-up evening doesn't include anyone's children?

my comment was based on the event everyone knows showing up uninvited is rude so thats not in debate... it the 'we suddenly can't talk as adults' comment thats bizaare.

They weren't as surprised to see them as the rest of us, put it that way.

If these are good friends, do you think they might just have got the wrong end of the stick? And the teens simply weren’t perceptive enough to spot “oooh - no other kids around and the table is set for 10, so we probably weren’t expected”. (Parents probably should’ve been, though, I agree!)

I had an equivalent situation with a friend a few months ago. Felt really cross and thought “that’s it - no more invitations”. But I let a bit of time pass and decided to let it go as she is a genuine friend; just maybe make a bit less effort and have lower expectations. In your shoes, I’d probably just make it much clearer next time I did a party and ask very explicitly next time someone else did (“just adults again or is everyone bringing the kids this time?”). You’ll make your point, but you won’t cause a massive rift.

This is a parent problem. They were told it was adults only and they didn't send their children home when they gatecrashed leaving you with the awkwardness of telling them to go. Perhaps don't invite them to adult only events in future, they may get the message then.

I had a friend turn up to a couples dinner party with her foreign exchange student once! She doesn't ever entertain anyone but her family so gave her a pass for not reading the room!

Really?

I can think of dozens of topics I might wish to discuss with close friends that would NOT be up for debate in front of teens - even late teens.

It's a difficult one and really is down to the parents NOT to have invited their children along, but it'd be hard for you to take it up with them now without sounding pissed off.

Among my friendship group, there are parents who sound a bit like your friends. One of their children (late teens) phones them constantly - and I'm talking around nine or ten times during a recent weekend away. The phone calls are always taken on speaker phone by the parent, and it's also usually a Facetime call where we all have to say hello and wave at the start of the call. The calls will disrupt any ongoing conversation, but we've all kinda learnt now just to 'talk through it'. The parents don't even leave the room to take the calls, they just sit there with the speaker phone blaring, seemingly oblivious to how rude it is.

You might want to talk about your new habit for swinger’s parties, about all the LSD you did when you were travelling through Thailand, how your in laws are considering an open marriage, how your brother had an affair, how you have some fucking excellent ganja and would anyone like a joint after dins? I could go on…

Im curious what convosation you can't have around older teens?

I spent Saturday evening with a couple of friends I've known since I was 22 (now mid-40s). Along with all the usual chat about politics, books, TV, fashion, work, holidays etc, the topics of conversation included occasions when we got drunk and shagged inappropriate people when we were young, and the cringy details of the aftermath, the details of one of our marriage break-ups including some really personal stuff, vaginal dryness during menopause, the grimness of smear tests, dick pics from randoms during online dating, the time my friend took some cocaine for the first and only time in her life and then suddenly sneezed blood all over her keyboard at work the next day, and also various stuff about each other's kids and their hormonal strops and dubious hygiene and so on.

So yes, forgive me if I'd rather your precious teenagers weren't listening in on that. I don't care how delightful your 14-year-old is; there are still many things that are none of his bloody business.

It's a pity that when the uninvited teens said they were going to a party you didn't jump up and say "fab, we'll come along too"

I'd really have to ask the parent why her children gatecrashed YOUR birthday meal at YOUR house!

That's really annoying, especially because they would be the over indulged know it all type that think they are so amusing and ever so mature. While actually being boring and tedious as fuck.
I much prefer the sort of teenagers who wouldn't be seen dead at a dinner party.
Plus I like some of my friend's dc but not all.

YANBU, however pleasant the children are. You may have wanted to chat about their school, or the children of the guests, which is not for their hearing. Adults only does not necessarily meaning talking about sexual matters.

Sadly, some parents and a few posters on this thread are incredibly thick skinned and don’t actually consider anyone else’s feelings when it comes to dragging their kids everywhere with them, regardless of what the host wants.

Fact is, we don’t want your bloody kids gate crashing our party!

I’m now wondering if these are the same types of parent who insist that siblings should be included in a kids party invitation and turn up with extras as a fait accompli and happily railroad anyone politely trying to tell them to do one?

Honestly OP, you have to be a lot more blunt with these types of parents as gentle encouragement gets you nowhere.

Again, see how many posters are being argumentative and not accepting NO for an answer. Then they wonder why people have started avoiding them…

So two univited teens bumped two invited guests onto the sofa, from the dining table mid meal?

I've really heard it all.

I would be absolutely appalled and so would my friends.

We eat with friends and have friends over, many with lovely teens, early 20's and none would dream of being so utterly rude to the hostess.

Stop and have a few words when the main meal has finished, as they are passing, definitely.

Come and scronge after pudding for leftovers, definitely a possibility.

But sit down at the table displacing other guests and eating, that really is appallingly rude.

I would call that dragged up territory.

I would give them a miss next time.

All that effort for a special meal, spoiled.

Very shabby behaviour.

Yeah quite apart from the 'love you but you're not actually invited' element of this, as PP have said, the conversation WAS different. There are maybe few broad 'topics' that would be off limits with teens, but what people in their 40s want to say/share about those topics and their experiences is different. Talking about parenting those kids, for example, relationship and sex and menopause stuff, shared memories and tales of when we didn't necessarily behave very well when we were younger (or more recently...) plus all the 'boring' stuff like work and house moves and cost of living and caring for ageing parents. Of course it's interesting and refreshing and fun to get younger people's takes on pop culture and politics etc but I don't always want to have to apply a filter on personal things I am talking to my friends about, especially when I wasn't expecting to have to.

Teens these days 😂

Puts me in mind of the Micky Flanagan bit about ‘earnest teens’ nursing their bottles of mineral water at parties and boring you about tofu and worthy causes while their dad is gesticulating wildly behind their backs for you to join him in the loo/garden for a cheeky line or a blaze up!

It wasn’t their home though, the parents were guests in the OPs home.

I think they were very rude. Esp after you specifically said no kids. As a guest I would also have been less than impressed. Kids / teenagers DO change the atmosphere, of course they do. Those saying all welcome all the time and wouldn't have a problem with this are being a bit disingenuous imo.

I really look forward to adult time, and kids around most definitely changes the dynamic.

It wasn't they're home it was the OP's own home. She arranged childcare for her own children to sleep out.

Haha yes that's what they should have done. They were probably told to sort they're own tea out but couldn't be bothered cooking. I'm not sure I could have kicked them out it's not a good idea drinking on an empty stomach. It's actually life threatening.

I quite understand what you're saying, but a 14 year old isn't an "older teen".

That sounds like a pain and I'd be wary of inviting that couple again.

Years ago, I invited adult friends over for my birthday and one pair also brought their teen sons along. Lovely kids, but they dominated the evening and one of them spent what seemed like hours going on about how many calories are in various foods, something I don't give a shit about. I asked him several times to change the subject and in the end had be very firm that I would not tolerate someone going on about calories on my sodding birthday and to shut up about it. Some people are just beyond dense.

Personally would be happy to have a couple of older teens to dinner with their parents - none of my friends are at the stage to have those yet but it'd be far preferable to them rocking up with uninvited toddlers.

However surprise guests are never really acceptable at a dinner party. Invites should always clarify exactly who is invited and it's very rude for guests to ignore that. Unless specifically told "it's not a formal thing, bring kids/partners/friends if you want".

What are you going to do, OP?

I think it is a really difficult scenario OP describes. The only real way to avoid the risk of it in the future is, (irrespective of how much you think you know and understand the couples you are inviting) to really dress up explicitly upfront how you see the evening panning out and hope they "get it" and are willing to make the evening what you have said up front you would like it to be.

For example you might have to say something quite hammed up like "wouldn't it be fantastic to have a child free evening? I am going to get food and drink in just for us couples together and we can enjoy some adult company - our kids have a [party to go to on x night] can you come over for a child free evening?" Then however proud they might be of their teenagers they cannot say they did not get the memo in advance.

Its kind of equivalent to hosting an evening and having a dress code. You might write the dress code on the invite and the guests might roll their eyes at your dress code in advance but there can be no room for mistakes.

I wouldn’t have wanted to be hanging out with my parents and their friends when I was 16 😂

their parents must have invited them though right?

I wouldn't be inviting the parents again. 'It's my party' and I get to say who's invited, not them.