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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be put out by friends' kids turning up to grown-up dinner?

306 replies

VingtQuatreFaubourg · 05/09/2022 13:05

This weekend we had four other couples, all old friends, round to eat and to celebrate various things and catch up after the summer. We all have teens of various ages. I said it was going to be grown-ups only so it wasn't too unwieldy/expensive and we could chat freely, relax and enjoy some nice food and wine. My DC were very happy with this and they planned a sleepover elsewhere. Childcare/other arrangements made by the other families (or so I thought).

On the evening we were all having a great time, and then halfway through dinner one couple's older two teens turned up. We were surprised but said hi, how are you, lovely to see you etc and expected them to just be popping in for a few minutes (they said they were on their way out to a party) BUT they basically joined us, ended up staying for hours, eating and drinking, a bit of 'holding court' going on, and it just completely changed the dynamic as they were so dominant - it stopped being a grown-up conversation. They are lovely kids but it was not the evening I had planned.

Their parents completely indulged and encouraged this (it's not the first time this kind of thing has happened, now I think about it, they seem to think their kids are 'special' and adults-only boundaries don't apply to them) and didn't say anything. Eventually DH gently suggested it was time for them to go so we could get back to the adult chat, but it was a bit awkward.

AIBU to think our friends and the teens should have understood that a grown-up evening doesn't include anyone's children?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 05/09/2022 16:28

lljkk · 05/09/2022 16:17

What are you going to do, OP?

What is she supposed to do?, the night is over now

WinterDeWinter · 05/09/2022 16:28

"Im curious what convosation you can't have around older teens?"

Conversations about older teens.

VivX · 05/09/2022 16:29

Ugh, self-entitled people with "amazing" teens that obliviously hold court for hours, at an adults-only gathering.

Definitely with the OP on this. It was incredibly rude of the couple who invited their teens along.
The parents should definitely not have invited them. And had they turned up unexpected, should have been ushered out straight away, once it was established there was no emergency.

The fact that two of the actually invited adults were literally left without a seat at the table is just so inconsiderate and self absorbed.

There's loads of things that adults want to talk about without the input of a 16/17/18 year old.

lightisnotwhite · 05/09/2022 16:30

Im curious what convosation you can't have around older teens?

Conversation is two way though. Teens especially her friends children might not be able to add much. They haven’t contributed to building the friendships themselves.
Nice to have round the table once at family type events but not Ops birthday for her friends.

NancyDrooo · 05/09/2022 16:31

I find the easiest way to get rid of teenagers swiftly is to start talking about puberty. Or menopause. Vaginal dryness perhaps. Try that next time.

InFiveMins · 05/09/2022 16:31

YANBU, it's annoying and rude. Next time don't be so polite, remind everyone it's adult-only and they need to leave. And be firm.

SleeplessInEngland · 05/09/2022 16:32

If they felt comfortable enough just dropping by unannounced I assume you're all pretty close, but why did they spend hours there? What happened to the party?

BrightYellowDaffodil · 05/09/2022 16:32

The other end of the spectrum as I used to have a friend who used to try and bring her toddler to adults-only evening meals. She blindsided me the first time as she just turned up with him (having not even mentioned it to me, let alone asked me!) and made a blithe reference to "Oh, he's part of me - wherever I go, he goes!" Hmm It was a PITA because it completely changed the dynamic - obviously he didn't understand some of the things we might have talked about but a small person in the room tends to mean that everything revolves around them.

The next time I was arranging a date for dinner I couched it as "Let me know what dates you can get a babysitter for [child] for and we'll pick one of those". There was a slightly awkward silence where I could almost hear the penny dropping, and she never brought the toddler again.

Might be worth doing something similar: "Let me know what dates your kids are off doing something else so we can have an adults-only evening"?

WinterDeWinter · 05/09/2022 16:34

As aghast as I am, and as much as I would have to say something, I'd struggle to know how to do so without breaking the friendship so very interested to hear how others would do it in a way that could be recovered from, as it were.

WinterDeWinter · 05/09/2022 16:35

x-post with @BrightYellowDaffodil - yes, that's good.

5128gap · 05/09/2022 16:40

It was rude of your friends to encourage two uninvited guests. However once they were there, I'm not sure why the 6 other adults who weren't their parents allowed them to hold court? Surely preventing any guest from dominating the evening is just something you have to do now and again when hosting. Turn the conversation to other topics and people so no one does that?

AmyDudley · 05/09/2022 16:42

If you don't want them sitting with you for dinner, you can do a few pizzas and put a film on for them. I personally wouldn't go to a dinner party where my kids weren't invited and weren't made welcome.

this is so bizarre, you don;t go to things that your kids aren't invited to? Do your children extend the same rule to you, do you go out with them and their friends when they get together or do you allow them some space to talk about things that interest their age group and the freedom to relax without adults listening in ? Same applies to adults only evenings - adults deserve to be able to choose who they spend their time with in certain circumstances, There are family occasions, where everyone is welcome from tots to grandparents, and there are events that are age/friendship group specific. It's extremely rude for the teens to turn up to something they knew they were not invited to and rude for their parent to not tell them to disappear.

I love the company of teens sometimes. They can be funny entertaining and interesting. They can also be show offy, self absorbed, know it all, dominating and immature. It is part of the growing up process that they are not at the same developmental level as adults. If something is for adults, then teens are not to be encouraged to attend, it completely spoils the vibe.

MLMsuperfan · 05/09/2022 16:43

It's rude to bring uninvited guests full stop.

However wires could get crossed if you've previously been at less formal events with these people and they missed the fact that the rules were different on this occasion. If they were my friends I would talk to them with the benefit of the doubt.

Antarcticant · 05/09/2022 16:50

It sounds like the issue is more that these teens dominated the conversation or 'held court' as the OP says. Obviously they are teenagers so they won't have much experience of dinner party etiquette but it sounds like their parents need to tell them they need to let other people speak. It would be rude of anyone, regardless of age, to walk into a party half way through and take over.

TrashyPanda · 05/09/2022 16:51

They sound like the parents who always brought siblings along when only 1 kid was invited to a party.

and now they are doing this to adults bday meals!

of course they are ridiculous.
if you wanted their kids, you would have invited them

Well done your DH.

VivX · 05/09/2022 16:55

Antarcticant · 05/09/2022 16:50

It sounds like the issue is more that these teens dominated the conversation or 'held court' as the OP says. Obviously they are teenagers so they won't have much experience of dinner party etiquette but it sounds like their parents need to tell them they need to let other people speak. It would be rude of anyone, regardless of age, to walk into a party half way through and take over.

No, the issue was that the teens had gate-crashed the OP's birthday dinner.

It wasn't the time or place for any learning experience to do with dinner party etiquette, apart from learning the very obvious etiquette of not showing up uninvited to other people's dinner party in the first place.

TrashyPanda · 05/09/2022 16:58

Im curious what convosation you can't have around older teens?

basically anything you would talk about with your friends but not with acquaintances/work colleagues/person in Starbucks queue.

TrashyPanda · 05/09/2022 17:04

It's actually nice that teenagers want to socialise with parents

its a pity their parents never told them “I want never gets”

it isn’t nice to have uninvited guests plonk themselves down and try to take over. It’s rude.

MichelleScarn · 05/09/2022 17:05

I'm getting the image in my head of these scintillating adult conversation holding teens of Will from the In-betweeners at Caravan Club.. 'more hummus?' 😆
Also wonder if parents were being very pedantic
"Ah you said CHILD free, Tim and Polly are older teens not children"!

BotterMon · 05/09/2022 17:09

How rude!

Antarcticant · 05/09/2022 17:15

VivX · 05/09/2022 16:55

No, the issue was that the teens had gate-crashed the OP's birthday dinner.

It wasn't the time or place for any learning experience to do with dinner party etiquette, apart from learning the very obvious etiquette of not showing up uninvited to other people's dinner party in the first place.

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But from the teens' perspective, they arrived and were made welcome - there's nothing to tell them (other than experience/insight that they're too young to have) that they were not welcome to stay. However, their experience of their own interactions with peers should tell them it's polite not to hog the floor.

Ultimately, the onus was on their parents move them on, and afterwards to have a word with them along the lines of putting themselves in the OP's shoes.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/09/2022 17:16

MasterBeth · 05/09/2022 16:06

I quite understand what you're saying, but a 14 year old isn't an "older teen".

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@MasterBeth

it wouldn’t be the business of an older teen either

latetothefisting · 05/09/2022 17:19

Yeah, rude of the parents and tbh weird of the kids - I used to hide in my room when parents had friends over in my own house in an effort to avoid interaction, can't imagine ever going to the effort of deliberately making my way to said friends house and then staying then for hours to chat to them, even more so when I had a party with my actual friends to go to!

billy1966 · 05/09/2022 17:20

VivX · 05/09/2022 16:55

No, the issue was that the teens had gate-crashed the OP's birthday dinner.

It wasn't the time or place for any learning experience to do with dinner party etiquette, apart from learning the very obvious etiquette of not showing up uninvited to other people's dinner party in the first place.

Show quote history

Completely agree.

Extraordinary how many posters find the simple concept of an invitation to an adult only evening so difficult to grasp.

So weird.

As is the idea that you completely disregard the specifics of the adult only invitation and tell your children to pop in.

Talk about crass.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/09/2022 17:20

Lovetogarden2022 · 05/09/2022 14:13

I personally find it odd that people would want to exclude their children and friend's children from a get-together. My parents and their friends have always invited everyone over and made it clear that the kids (whether they're 3 or 33!) are welcome to join.
If you don't want them sitting with you for dinner, you can do a few pizzas and put a film on for them. I personally wouldn't go to a dinner party where my kids weren't invited and weren't made welcome.
I can honestly think of nothing nicer than my friend's kids coming over to the house and wanting to spend time with us as a group and input their opinions on different issues etc

@Lovetogarden2022

you never go anywhere that your kids are not invited ??

you wanna get a life