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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be put out by friends' kids turning up to grown-up dinner?

306 replies

VingtQuatreFaubourg · 05/09/2022 13:05

This weekend we had four other couples, all old friends, round to eat and to celebrate various things and catch up after the summer. We all have teens of various ages. I said it was going to be grown-ups only so it wasn't too unwieldy/expensive and we could chat freely, relax and enjoy some nice food and wine. My DC were very happy with this and they planned a sleepover elsewhere. Childcare/other arrangements made by the other families (or so I thought).

On the evening we were all having a great time, and then halfway through dinner one couple's older two teens turned up. We were surprised but said hi, how are you, lovely to see you etc and expected them to just be popping in for a few minutes (they said they were on their way out to a party) BUT they basically joined us, ended up staying for hours, eating and drinking, a bit of 'holding court' going on, and it just completely changed the dynamic as they were so dominant - it stopped being a grown-up conversation. They are lovely kids but it was not the evening I had planned.

Their parents completely indulged and encouraged this (it's not the first time this kind of thing has happened, now I think about it, they seem to think their kids are 'special' and adults-only boundaries don't apply to them) and didn't say anything. Eventually DH gently suggested it was time for them to go so we could get back to the adult chat, but it was a bit awkward.

AIBU to think our friends and the teens should have understood that a grown-up evening doesn't include anyone's children?

OP posts:
LorW · 05/09/2022 15:05

This is nothing to do with if you like teens joining you for dinner or not, it’s about OPs boundaries being crossed, it’s in her own home, she specified particular adult guests only and made that quite clear beforehand and they’ve basically betted on the fact that OP is too nice to say anything and will just host them too.

KosherDill · 05/09/2022 15:05

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2022 13:11

I would not be inviting this couple again.

Same here. That would be a dealbreaker for me.

KosherDill · 05/09/2022 15:07

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 05/09/2022 13:22

I think the point is, as OP said, that it changes the dynamic, and is no longer the evening you had planned.

It's not saying DC aren't welcome in the home at all, just not to an event they weren't invited to.

We have a circle of friends that we socialise with as couples, but also separately sometimes just the women. One husband turns up almost every single time at some point during the evening when we have a girls' night . We all find it really annoying as he takes over but it's not an easy thing to say to him or his wife. We've tried but just get 'he doesn't like being on his own and you all know him' - which we do, and love him to bits. Doesn't mean I want it socialise with him all the time.

I disagree that there's nothing you can't say in front of older teenagers. As parents sometimes you have worries you'd discuss with your closest friends but not with your DC.

Also difficult to say something without sounding rude. If it were my DC who turned up at someone else's dinner party, I'd take them to one side and tell them to be on their way. But just like my friend who is happy for her husband to be at everything she goes to, some parents are the same about their kids.

No easy answer but I sympathise with you OP

The rest of you should get up and leave every time he does this. Or stop inviting her.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/09/2022 15:11

Urgh how tiresome

their parents should shave told them to be on their way

don’t know How anyone could think U are being UR OP

surely no one does?!

Arenanewbie · 05/09/2022 15:11

I think it’s rude and parents should answer their question/ give them money or whatever it was and send them home. It’s specified as adults only evening.

ilikemethewayiam · 05/09/2022 15:13

Ugh! I hate this! Whether it’s teens, uninvited DH´s or small children! I have a dear friend who goes back to primary school. Her DH drives me mad. He’s a whingeing, whining, needy, bitter wet blanket. I feel utterly depressed after an hour in his company. She doesn’t drive so he brings her over. Rather than go home and come back to pick her up as agreed, he comes into the house for a ‘quick hello’ then has a ‘quick sit down’, then ‘there’s no point going home and coming back later’ so sits with my friend and I for the evening! I had another friend who no matter how many different ways I arranged to have a private night with her, she always brought her young daughter along even though I had gone to trouble and expense of getting a babysitter for my same age child! FFS how have they developed such thick skins! There’s no easy way to deter this without coming over as horrible. I feel for you OP, it’s not about how much you like (or dislike) peoples family, it’s about them not being invited…..for a reason!

mam0918 · 05/09/2022 15:16

Im curious what convosation you can't have around older teens?

Older teens are 16-20 so basically adults, may people I knew (myself included) live independantly, had kids and some where even married before hitting our twenties so perfectly capable of engaging in adult convosation.

My teen is 14 and has gotton many compliment over the last year from adults (at events like christenings and weddings) about how he can now join in convosation properly.

I do get some teens can dominate convosation (my teen brother can steer any convosation to be about his instests only so bands no ones heard of etc... and doesnt take a hint that people are bored) but so can adults, its not an age thing its a personality thing.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 05/09/2022 15:17

It depends. As an adult (younger and older) whether visiting parents or living with them (did this briefly before 30 years) I've sometimes been invited to dinner with family friends. Note the emphasis on family friends.

When I was younger (teen up to about 19 or so) I was very shy and did tend to go around with parents a lot (I had my own friends but didn't move out until age 20). Parents didn't mind at all and I was quite indulged. Looking back now, as I'm way more confident/mature than I was then, I'm appalled I hung around so much with them, but DM let me and I had a slightly traumatic teenager-hood (severe PMT/S etc) so wasn't that worldy wise.

I think you have 2 choices OP - either don't invite couple with teens (as they may bring them along) or specify they don't bring them along and risk them not turning up too. Were the teens NT or not? It was rude of the couple to just bring them along and not ask you though.

To be fair, I think the teens were being teens. My NDN/friend has an 18 year old who's very opinionated (likes to state polar opposite to her DM) and some of them do like to hold court (unlike me who was desperately shy!)!

KidsgroveBoggart · 05/09/2022 15:18

mam0918 · 05/09/2022 15:16

Im curious what convosation you can't have around older teens?

Older teens are 16-20 so basically adults, may people I knew (myself included) live independantly, had kids and some where even married before hitting our twenties so perfectly capable of engaging in adult convosation.

My teen is 14 and has gotton many compliment over the last year from adults (at events like christenings and weddings) about how he can now join in convosation properly.

I do get some teens can dominate convosation (my teen brother can steer any convosation to be about his instests only so bands no ones heard of etc... and doesnt take a hint that people are bored) but so can adults, its not an age thing its a personality thing.

She just didn't want to and it was her house and her birthday.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/09/2022 15:19

mam0918 · 05/09/2022 15:16

Im curious what convosation you can't have around older teens?

Older teens are 16-20 so basically adults, may people I knew (myself included) live independantly, had kids and some where even married before hitting our twenties so perfectly capable of engaging in adult convosation.

My teen is 14 and has gotton many compliment over the last year from adults (at events like christenings and weddings) about how he can now join in convosation properly.

I do get some teens can dominate convosation (my teen brother can steer any convosation to be about his instests only so bands no ones heard of etc... and doesnt take a hint that people are bored) but so can adults, its not an age thing its a personality thing.

@mam0918

who cares how their convo skills are - they were not invited

also it is possible that others were just being polite about your son. Would they really tell you openly otherwise!?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 05/09/2022 15:19

mam0918 · 05/09/2022 15:16

Im curious what convosation you can't have around older teens?

Older teens are 16-20 so basically adults, may people I knew (myself included) live independantly, had kids and some where even married before hitting our twenties so perfectly capable of engaging in adult convosation.

My teen is 14 and has gotton many compliment over the last year from adults (at events like christenings and weddings) about how he can now join in convosation properly.

I do get some teens can dominate convosation (my teen brother can steer any convosation to be about his instests only so bands no ones heard of etc... and doesnt take a hint that people are bored) but so can adults, its not an age thing its a personality thing.

Yeah but there's certain conversation topics which the teens might not know about - or their DP's/DP's friends might not want them to know about (misspent youth etc?!) - I mean you can be all cool girl and tell them everything but do you really want them knowing the ins/outs of your lives/your friends lives?? Nah mate.

Johnnysgirl · 05/09/2022 15:19

mam0918 · 05/09/2022 15:16

Im curious what convosation you can't have around older teens?

Older teens are 16-20 so basically adults, may people I knew (myself included) live independantly, had kids and some where even married before hitting our twenties so perfectly capable of engaging in adult convosation.

My teen is 14 and has gotton many compliment over the last year from adults (at events like christenings and weddings) about how he can now join in convosation properly.

I do get some teens can dominate convosation (my teen brother can steer any convosation to be about his instests only so bands no ones heard of etc... and doesnt take a hint that people are bored) but so can adults, its not an age thing its a personality thing.

Nobody but your and dearest want your 14 year old as part of the adult conversation... Really, they don't.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/09/2022 15:19

Butterdishtea · 05/09/2022 14:46

They thought you'd like to see their children who are nice people and probably like you all. What a crime!

The children are unaware there is something about them (their age) which makes them unattractive to you.

The age of these teens is a red herring.

It's not the only relevant factor.
They were not included because 1) it was adults only 2) they were not specifically named as invitees to an invitation-only dinner.

When a couple hosts 4 other couples, by invitation only, how it is reasonable to foist extra guests on the hosts?
A guest wouldn't invite a couple of random relatives or friends under those circumstances, unless they were proper CF's.
How does the fact that these 2 spare parts were this couples' teenage DC make it ok?

CantGetDecentNickname · 05/09/2022 15:20

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/09/2022 15:11

Urgh how tiresome

their parents should shave told them to be on their way

don’t know How anyone could think U are being UR OP

surely no one does?!

I agree with this. OP clearly explained that it was an adults only evening. Usually these incidents arise due to a lack of clear communication, but that was not the case here. The CF couple could easily see that no other DCs were there, including OPs, yet they ignored all OPs boundaries. They could easily have texted their DC saying "don't come as there are no other DC here". I think they knew what they were doing and I wouldn't include them in any future events that don't have DC invited to them. One of the reasons for the dinner was OP's own birthday so I think she gets to decide the guest list!

KettrickenSmiled · 05/09/2022 15:21

mam0918 · 05/09/2022 15:16

Im curious what convosation you can't have around older teens?

Older teens are 16-20 so basically adults, may people I knew (myself included) live independantly, had kids and some where even married before hitting our twenties so perfectly capable of engaging in adult convosation.

My teen is 14 and has gotton many compliment over the last year from adults (at events like christenings and weddings) about how he can now join in convosation properly.

I do get some teens can dominate convosation (my teen brother can steer any convosation to be about his instests only so bands no ones heard of etc... and doesnt take a hint that people are bored) but so can adults, its not an age thing its a personality thing.

It's not an age thing or a personality thing.
It's a THEY WERE NOT INVITED thing.

Jamaisy82 · 05/09/2022 15:21

It's hardly the end of the world is it? It's actually nice that teenagers want to socialise with parents and not just want to sit in their room playing video games or sit flicking through tik tok on their phone. Ideally yes would of been nice to have adult time but hopefully won't happen again.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 05/09/2022 15:23

Brefugee · 05/09/2022 14:40

One husband turns up almost every single time at some point during the evening when we have a girls' night . We all find it really annoying as he takes over but it's not an easy thing to say to him or his wife. We've tried but just get 'he doesn't like being on his own and you all know him'

oh god we had one of those (not husband, long-term partner) and while we liked him, we didn't want him on a girls' night out. One day one of the others just told him to fuck off as he wasn't welcome. He left in a huff, his partner screamed a load of abuse at us and left too and that was that. We didn't really see either of them again much. It was a bit of a shame. But also a bit of a relief

I had this with the new boyfriend of a close friend of mine. Turned up like a leech every time I met her (one time I'd wanted to talk to her about PMT/boyfriend troubles but not with him around, in a cafe at the weekend!). Great if we were all going out together but not every time. Granted he'd moved down from North to start a new job and had met my friend. Years later when they both moved and had DC she finally met me by herself and admitted she'd found it awkward him always tagging along and hadn't wanted him to come every time but he'd got stroppy/upset if she mentioned it! She hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings by saying he wasn't wanted before. She now comes out sometimes by herself!

Notonthestairs · 05/09/2022 15:24

No reason for the teens to turn up.

It was the Op's house.
It was the Op's birthday.
They were not invited.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/09/2022 15:26

Jamaisy82 · 05/09/2022 15:21

It's hardly the end of the world is it? It's actually nice that teenagers want to socialise with parents and not just want to sit in their room playing video games or sit flicking through tik tok on their phone. Ideally yes would of been nice to have adult time but hopefully won't happen again.

But they weren't going to be sitting at home gaming. They were off to a party.
They then clearly found OP's hosting skills to be preferable to the party they were meant to be at, & stayed on, oblivious to the etiquette of gatecrashing.
Their parents shouldn't have been oblivious, & should have tactfully ejected them after a few minutes.

They can socialise with parents in their own home without needing extra time at OP's home, on her birthday, at an invite-only dinner.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/09/2022 15:26

Jamaisy82 · 05/09/2022 15:21

It's hardly the end of the world is it? It's actually nice that teenagers want to socialise with parents and not just want to sit in their room playing video games or sit flicking through tik tok on their phone. Ideally yes would of been nice to have adult time but hopefully won't happen again.

@Jamaisy82

no it’s not nice, they weren’t invited

MsTSwift · 05/09/2022 15:26

It’s not the end of the world but it’s bloody annoying and rude. It was ops event that she had cooked for and they were not invited and changed the dynamic

As for what topics you cant talk with young teens where to start?

Op I hope your husband employed that lovely phase “you have delighted us long enough” to get rid!

mam0918 · 05/09/2022 15:28

Johnnysgirl · 05/09/2022 15:19

Nobody but your and dearest want your 14 year old as part of the adult conversation... Really, they don't.

Show quote history

I dont want him as part of the convosation lol

Its others that invite him and like it... I find talking to my own teen like getting blood out of a stone so was pretty suprised when people started praising him and inviting him along.

but a 18-19 year old as long as we didnt have wildly clashing personalities I would have no issue inviting them along if their parents where fine with it.

I do obviously agree showing up anywhere uninvited is rude but Im just baffled what adult convosation you cant have with another adult (young or not).

user29 · 05/09/2022 15:29

were they trying to cadge a lift to teh party from their mum and dad?

Libertyqueen · 05/09/2022 15:29

I think older teens is a bit different to a young child. Personally I’d be really fine with this and probably enjoy chatting with them but if it’s an issue next time go out when it’s less likely.

My oldest is only little but I have friends with older teens and enjoy their company.

MsTSwift · 05/09/2022 15:29

I might want to express feelings and opinions to my friends that I don’t particularly want my teens to know about.