AIBU to be put out by friends' kids turning up to grown-up dinner?

[VingtQuatreFaubourg]

This weekend we had four other couples, all old friends, round to eat and to celebrate various things and catch up after the summer. We all have teens of various ages. I said it was going to be grown-ups only so it wasn't too unwieldy/expensive and we could chat freely, relax and enjoy some nice food and wine. My DC were very happy with this and they planned a sleepover elsewhere. Childcare/other arrangements made by the other families (or so I thought).

On the evening we were all having a great time, and then halfway through dinner one couple's older two teens turned up. We were surprised but said hi, how are you, lovely to see you etc and expected them to just be popping in for a few minutes (they said they were on their way out to a party) BUT they basically joined us, ended up staying for hours, eating and drinking, a bit of 'holding court' going on, and it just completely changed the dynamic as they were so dominant - it stopped being a grown-up conversation. They are lovely kids but it was not the evening I had planned.

Their parents completely indulged and encouraged this (it's not the first time this kind of thing has happened, now I think about it, they seem to think their kids are 'special' and adults-only boundaries don't apply to them) and didn't say anything. Eventually DH gently suggested it was time for them to go so we could get back to the adult chat, but it was a bit awkward.

AIBU to think our friends and the teens should have understood that a grown-up evening doesn't include anyone's children?

That's you. Not the OP or anyone else.

And you weren't planning, preparing and paying for the meal.

So the fact that the OP had specified adults only made the Teen's parents very, very rude.

I thought you meant it was at the parents of the teens house at first and they had come back from somewhere and decided to come down and join you, even that is a bit rude if it's an adults only thing. So you mean they actually came out their way and round to your house where the parents were and joined the evening (they weren't invited to)? Omg that's rude. I totally get why you couldn't say go away right away, how awkward. Good on your husband for saying something, I think I'd reconsider inviting them to the next one.

How did the other couples - the ones who'd made childcare or other arrangements - take it? If they would support you, don't invite this other couple to adults only evenings, just to ones where everyone is invited. Especially as you say this isn't the first time, so you wouldn't be overreacting.

Very ill mannered of the teens to just turn up and the parents for not sending them on their way. I’d drop the parents.

I don't want anyone to have the impression that I think children of any age should be shoved in a cupboard under the stairs! I'm absolutely not anti-children: 90% of the socialising we've done over the years with these friends includes everyone's kids, we've all eaten together, had parties, BBQs, roasts, picnics, done pizza and a movie in the other room for the kids, had great, buzzy, interesting conversations between three generations where our parents have been around too, the lot (although sometimes the dynamics between a big group of teens aren't smooth sailing either so that can be interesting). On this ONE occasion (which included celebrating my birthday) I just thought it would be nice for it to be the 8 adults only and everyone knew and had agreed with this. I don't ever want anyone to feel unwelcome in my home but I was just baffled and a bit pissed off that anyone would have thought this was OK.

YANBU. I do enjoy the conversation of my son’s teen pals but there’s a time and a place and an adults dinner party definitely isn’t it.

Why on earth did they drop by in the first place? Sounds like they were after free food and couldn’t be bothered to sort themselves out, is my best guess.

Not sure how they managed to seat themselves at the dining table though unless you (or their parents?) encouraged them to join you? I think I’d have been far more blunt about getting them to leave, to be honest.

Can you say something to one of the parents sooner rather than just not inviting them next time?

One husband turns up almost every single time at some point during the evening when we have a girls' night . We all find it really annoying as he takes over but it's not an easy thing to say to him or his wife. We've tried but just get 'he doesn't like being on his own and you all know him'

oh god we had one of those (not husband, long-term partner) and while we liked him, we didn't want him on a girls' night out. One day one of the others just told him to fuck off as he wasn't welcome. He left in a huff, his partner screamed a load of abuse at us and left too and that was that. We didn't really see either of them again much. It was a bit of a shame. But also a bit of a relief

How did their parents react when your DH asked them to leave? How did he word it?

Any reasonable parent, having been invited to an adults only dinner, would have said "why are you here?" swiftly followed by "off you trot to your party" once they established there was no emergency going on.

HTH

How odd.

You wouldn't want to be friends with...

Well i think you'd be hard work to be friends with tbh. Such inflexible thinking, very hard work. Can you really not see that sometimes blending tribes changes the dynamic of a situation and not in a good way?

I Socialise with people I've met through a niche hobby, and then I have my friends who I go and get cocktails with. the two groups wouldn't blend successfully as Brenda the needlepoint enthusiast is teetotal and probably wouldn't feel comfortable cavorting at Happy hour.

It's not difficult to comprehend really.

They thought you'd like to see their children who are nice people and probably like you all. What a crime!

The children are unaware there is something about them (their age) which makes them unattractive to you.

Bizarre. My teens might come say 'hi' but wouldn't want to join in if it was at their house, but it would never ever cross their minds to drop in if I was at a friends house.
As for 'enjoying my friends kids' well bully for those that do - if it's a family all ages welcome that's fine, if it's adults only that mean adults. If it's women (or men) then that good too.
I'm single and often do 'just the girls' dinner parties. Most of my friends are delighted to get out on their own and gossip/chat/ complain about the menopause etc. A man would definitely make it a different thing altogether. But one woman always asks if her husband can come and I just say no. Mind you if all of us are going out in a mixed group the men all end up at one end anyway.

They thought you'd like to see their children who are nice people and probably like you all. What a crime!

They were told it was to be adults only.

She just wanted to see just her friends - not a big ask!

Other people thought they knew better and ignored that.

It's just bad manners from her friends, it doesn't mean she hates all teens 🤦🏻‍♀️

I bet you were one of those parents who told anyone who would listen how ADVANCED your children are, @Butterdishtea

Puzzles me too @Ki44

I can envisage being bamboozled & letting them in, imagining they needed something from their folks or just wanted to say hi for 10 minutes.

But to passively sit uninvited & specifically excluded 'guests' down for a dinner with everyone else ...? It's bonkers.

OP - why could you not have just said "lovely to see you but I've only catered for 10 of us as we weren't expecting anyone else - see you soon BYE" ???

90% of the socialising we've done over the years with these friends includes everyone's kids, we've all eaten together, had parties, BBQs, roasts, picnics, done pizza and a movie in the other room for the kids, had great, buzzy, interesting conversations between three generations where our parents have been around too, the lot (although sometimes the dynamics between a big group of teens aren't smooth sailing either so that can be interesting). On this ONE occasion (which included celebrating my birthday) I just thought it would be nice for it to be the 8 adults only

I think you answered your own question here really. Clearly the message didn’t land, and they thought it was either “normal rules” or that you just wanted a few hours at the beginning of the night.

Is it possible it was something about how you greeted them? e.g. were they originally just going to say happy birthday and then leave, but you said they were welcome to stay? In which case, they may have assumed that this overruled the “one occasion” rule.

Supercilious, stupid response! Is that hair shirt itchy?

Maybe pee off to your party??

Maybe the parents didn't know the teens might turn up - if it was the kids' idea as they knew where the parents were?

The parents really should have packed them off to their party after 10 mins or so, tho.

There are circumstances under which it’d be fine - ie if it was in his house (and he popped in for a bit) or if the invite was for everyone including the teens. But this was specifically billed as adults only and everyone knew the deal.

Also, teens shouldn’t be “holding court” as the OP describes at an adults only party.

Yes teens can be lovely and interesting- mine really likes adult company for example - but the invite was as it was. There will be other occasions for the whole families to meet I’m sure .

It does make it worse that it was birthday op
I would have welcomed them with gritted teeth as well.

Next time, if there is a next time, I would make a point of saying to friend as much as I love your kids, this is most definitely adults only and I won't be able to accommodate any extras due to lack of space.

MY SIL is like this, won't do anything without dc and it is too much for most people. They are all besties. I love SIL but I always wonder what her friends think now I know!

Is it possible it was something about how you greeted them? e.g. were they originally just going to say happy birthday and then leave, but you said they were welcome to stay? In which case, they may have assumed that this overruled the “one occasion” rule.

😆
The good old "polite" Brits scenario - acting so welcoming when actually thinking the complete opposite.
That could be it.

So you don't want them there because you can't make innuendos basically. My heart bleeds.

It was a sit-down dinner but I'd spent the day making lots of really nice sharing plates, think tapas/meze, help-yourself type stuff, so not formal. They just wandered in round the back so there wasn't a doorstep situation. We're open plan so while it was originally 10 of us round the table (which seats 10 - sorry I said 8 upthread, I meant the four couples apart from us), DH and I were also up and down to the kitchen area/topping up drinks but two extra people bumped a couple of adults onto sofas etc, so it physically changed the shape of the evening as well. I don't doubt the parents said 'we're here, pop in, they'd LOVE to see you' (because normally we would) but ignored me saying it was a grown-up evening this time. They weren't as surprised to see them as the rest of us, put it that way.