Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

[timeaway4now]

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

Stick to your guns and have Sarah live there, not negotiable.

Stand firm "that doesn't work for us"

Is there a back story with your sister? I'm not surprised her flat feels chaotic with 6 of them living in it

Just say no in a very friendly way without much detail along the lines of "I am sorry that does not fit our plans but thanks for suggesting it".

It's your house. It's up to you.
Your reasons make perfect sense.

You'll still be using the house for storage and for regular visits. Do they expect to live in your house for free and have you pay for a storage unit to store your property and pay for hotels every time you visit? Point that out to them. You are looking for a single person to occupy part of the property. Nothing more.

I hate being put in positions like this.

I think it’s okay to frame it as “we are looking for a house sitter, not tenants, as we don’t want the house to be ‘used’ in our absence”. Sarah is a single woman, a different kettle of fish from a family of 6”.

You’re not charging rent, so it’s not about the money. I think you can be open about the house inevitably taking more knocks with 6 people living in it, 4 of them children.

I think it’s wrong for your sister to put you in this position. You’re basically refusing to give her a leg up at your expense.

If you can face it, you can ask her for a “deposit” up front to pay for repairs and redecoration before you move in. Put it in her: that would be a lot less than rent for however many months she’s be paying. If she says she’ll pay you when you get back and see what has to be done, tell her no thanks you’ll return whatever part of the deposit you don’t need to use.

She’s put it on you. You can put it back on her.

I think the neighbour thing is a bit spurious. Sister before neighbours, ordinarily.

I'd only have Sarah stay.
I will say though, whilst I understand Sarah is there to help you out, I think she should pay something towards staying there!

Gosh, I think you're absolutely right, but very hard to say it without insulting them!

I think the bit about putting yijr furniture in storage/having nowhere to stay on your return is the way to go.

I completely understand where you're coming from op. Stick to your guns. Not your fault your sister has a big family in a small place.

A tricky one. I personally couldn’t imagine not letting my sibling and their children live there given their circumstances and as an outsider, it does sound quite selfish but it’s your house so your call at the end of the day. I would be setting down some ground rules though if I did let her stay including paying for breakages/damage.

Hmm what alphons said - and what would the legal position be when you came back to get them out?

I'd only countenance it if they paid enough rent to cover wear and tear and the cost of you storing things and staying elsewhere.

I still wouldn't fancy it though, YANBU.

It’s your house and having Sarah living there works for you. From the other side though I could understand your sister being very upset with your decision.

I wound the rely on a lay for breakages thing, it would be a monthly cost for wear and tear.

Have they even factored in the much higher utility and council tax costs they would face?

Team Sarah all the way.

Well surely that would have been a consideration given she chose to have 4 kids?

I get your reasoning but if I was your sister I'd be incredibly hurt at your unwillingness to help me and I think it would severely
Damage the relationship. Unless there's a big backstory?

Yanbu, you have very valid reasons. All make perfect sense.

Going against the grain, but I think you should consider what this would mean to your sister and nieces and nephews. It would be permanently life-changing for all of them, to save that much money, and to live with more space.

But I do understand your reluctance also, and it would be a pain if they broke something

A family of 6 versus a single niece? Yes, you would be expecting damage to fixtures and fittings with 4 kids.

Just tell her it's all arranged with Sarah and too late.

Then expect her to call Sarah and put a guilt trip on her.

Plus ask her if they would be able to afford to Council Tax anyway? 4-bed house much different to a small flat.

The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom Cheeky cow. She's telling you what to do with your own house? Do not let her move in. Has nightmare written al over it.

It would be a very kind thing to do for your sister, but if you don’t want to, you don’t want to 🤷‍♀️

I think if you did have your sister stay she should cover costs of storage, your accommodation on your return visits, and wear and tear of the house. That should still enable them to save a lot more than when they rent.
but you do what works for you. If you’re not comfortable with them there, just state it doesn’t work because of xyz.

I think it is a bit mean not to let your sister stay. She's trying to save a house for her family. I know you are worried about damage etc but I think your neice will also let friends stay over in the house, too. and have parties... And if your sister's kids damage things, tell them they have to pay for it so take a deposit.

and what if your niece meets a guy and he moves in with her....

or what if sarah meets some guy and wants to move in with him elswhere ?then what will happen to your house ?

Unless there's a huge backstop it seems incredibly mean to not give your sister this life changing opportunity. She could pay for your / her stuff to go into storage.
Do you like her?