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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

599 replies

timeaway4now · 04/09/2022 14:36

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

OP posts:

amitoooldforthisshit · 04/09/2022 15:24

you have to look at when you return, it's going to be alot easier to shift 1 person rather than a family of 6, sounds harsh but even if you niece had difficulty moving out there would still be room for you all on your return

Rosscameasdoody · 04/09/2022 15:25

I think the neighbour thing is a bit spurious. Sister before neighbours, ordinarily.

Well, yes, but the OP is considering the neighbours regarding the noise if her sister’s family moved in. And if the OP has to come back to live in the house eventually, then it has to be a consideration.

Whammyyammy · 04/09/2022 15:27

Your house.
Your decision.

What's the issue here? Just tell her No!

MyneighbourisTotoro · 04/09/2022 15:27

I couldn’t imagine not helping my sister, do you not have a very close relationship? I’d certainly be offering it to them over the niece as they have a higher need and it could be life changing for them if they are able to get themselves their own home, I also wouldn’t begrudge anything against my younger nieces or nephews, children are chaotic and as long as my sister agreed in writing to pay for any damage and to keep the house in good condition etc then I’d be quite happy with that.
I just feel like it would be a waste to have one person living in a house that could easily accommodate a family of 6.

Daisy38 · 04/09/2022 15:28

Stick to your original plan OP. None of us know your sister and her family. Only you know them and if you had wanted them there then you would’ve offered them the house in the first place. The arrangement with Sarah sounds ideal for both you and her, so don’t be guilted into changing it, especially for someone who wants it on the same terms but is in completely different circumstances to Sarah.

Cameleongirl · 04/09/2022 15:29

It’s clear that the OP doesn’t want to let her sister’s family move in and that’s perfectly reasonable.

People see things from different perspectives-she and her DH are looking at it from a practical and financial POV for them; her family members are probably viewing it in terms of possible benefits to the children( who aren’t the OP’s responsibility).

Neither viewpoint is wrong, but they’re unlikely to ever agree, unfortunately.

Bubblyinblanch · 04/09/2022 15:31

My sibling has 4 kids and I wouldn't want 6 people living in my house. I think you're in the right. He would never be cheeky enough to ask to stay though.

bumblefeline · 04/09/2022 15:31

Your house you make the decision whats best for you.

I wouldn't do it. What happens if they won't move out when you come back?

Can your sister afford the cost of the household bills of a bigger property?

Cindie943811A · 04/09/2022 15:31

It’s all well and good Posters being generous at the OP’s expense. Nice cosy story about helping a family achieve their own housing but it’s simply not practicable given the RL situation.
Niece will be house sitting in effect and not making it a medium term home for numerous offspring.

Shouldbedoing · 04/09/2022 15:31

Sarah is presumably occupying your home because most house insurance states that the house must not be unoccupied for more than 60 days.

drinkfeck · 04/09/2022 15:31

Honestly I'd stick with your plan

It's a Brucie bonus there is this space not a given. She shouldn't be relying on you to provide space for her children

Also think it's incredibly cheeky she assuming she can stay rent free. The deal with Sarah was she could live rent free in exchange for looking after the house. Fat chance of that with four kids bombing around (I speak from experience)

Other pp are right. Them finding a place to move out when you come will be tough. I would be prepared for you again to be 'persuaded' to let them stay longer while they got on their feet.

But only you know how this will impact your future relationship and with other family members.

Personally I hate that strong arm mentality where everyone decides for you what you should do... I'm going to assume if you'd wanted your sister and her family to have the house you'd have asked her. It's a no for a reason.

Kazibar · 04/09/2022 15:31

I think it’s a bit mean to not let your sister stay. Could you suggest that she pays a deposit which u will of course return if there’s no damage…

diddl · 04/09/2022 15:32

Realistically would your sister save any money?

I think go with the arrangement that you want.

dottiedodah · 04/09/2022 15:32

Maybe rent it out privately .Then share some of the rent with her .You could have money then for storage ,an Airbnb for when you come home and so on .It seems cheeky of her ,but with a large family in a flat she is most likely desperate!

BigglyBee · 04/09/2022 15:33

This could end several ways if you let your sister move in, and only one of them is good!
She might use the opportunity to save, find a place she can afford and move out when you return, with minimal or no damage done, and gratitude and harmony all round.
She might start to feel resentful of your good fortune and angry that even with the period of no rent to pay, she will never be able to afford a house like yours. This may or may not lead to her feeling that you have an obligation to subsidize her, either by forking out for a deposit, or by letting her continue living in your house for free.
The house might be damaged, which your sister expects you to pay for. She may just refuse to leave and you would be forced to evict her and her family, which is a lengthy and expensive process.
Whatever happens(apart from the first and probably least likely scenario), there will be bad feeling, all you can do is decide who gets to be the most upset. If it helps, my husband let his brother and family move into a house he owned, and he ended up giving them the house because the whole experience was so awful, and he just couldn't face evicting them.
If you do decide to let her move in, for the love of God, get proper legal advice first and try to protect yourselves.

MistyBean · 04/09/2022 15:33

Some of the views on here seem very entitled. The OP shouldn't have to risk being significantly inconvenienced if she wants to frequently visit (and not camped out in the living room as there is no room left in her own house), come back early if things don't work out, sort out wear and tear after a family of six etc.

Original poster

timeaway4now · 04/09/2022 15:33

@MyneighbourisTotoro no we are not particularly close. I am actually much closer with Sarah and see her regularly. So that may be why I feel more comfortable with her.

OP posts:

MattDamon · 04/09/2022 15:35

I'd offer it to her at a discounted rent, explaining that you'd need the money to cover wear and tear, storage fees and accommodation. She'll probably turn it down.

hattie43 · 04/09/2022 15:35

I haven't read others answers but you must have who you wish living in your house and personally I'd share your concerns about all those kids .

diddl · 04/09/2022 15:35

dottiedodah · 04/09/2022 15:32

Bloody hell!

Op-just hand over your savings so that your sister has a deposit & be done with it!

Ideasideas · 04/09/2022 15:35

Personally I would allow them to stay as I'd feel really good about contributing to a massive positive change in their lives.

I would make it clear that they have to pay for any damage caused, and you'll know they'll be able to because of the deposit money they're saving. If they don't drill it into their DC that the place needs to be looked after and respected then it'll only eat into their deposit money so hopefully they'll be firm.

As for your neighbours, I think you're finding reasons of concern that actually won't be that much of a big deal? Unless the DC are feral/throw house parties/behave illegally etc. of course!

Eviebeans · 04/09/2022 15:36

Aside from all other considerations I could see it being really difficult when you wanted to return permanently and your sister’s family needed to leave
I cannot see how she would save enough - children become more expensive as they get older not less. People always underestimate how much time they have for saving etc
if they got used to not having to pay rent I bet it would feel like a real struggle once they had to do so again.
its easier to say no now than to face getting them to go at the end

Yolande7 · 04/09/2022 15:36

Go with her through the costs this would incurr for her:

move- in and move-out inspection
insurance for damage and deposit
your two moves (packing and moving your furniture out and back in by professionals)
your storage costs
your hotel costs when back in the UK (this could add up very quickly)
her energy consumption (higher in a house)
her council tax bill (higher in a house)
legally binding tenancy agreement
potentially professional cleaning after she moved out

This will cost a lot of money. She would need to cover these costs, because hardly any of this would be necessary in case of Sara staying. Will it still be much cheaper than her flat? If that's the case, I would agree to her staying over. You will then be covered, would have no extra cost and would be supporting your sister, which would be a nice thing to do.

Original poster

timeaway4now · 04/09/2022 15:36

@dottiedodah we don't feel comfortable with stranger living there either.

OP posts:

Mumspair1 · 04/09/2022 15:37

What happens if your sister doesn't save up and doesn't want to move out, you will be guilted over that too. No, her choice to have a bunch of children. I wouldn't want 4 kids in a place I rented out as well, it will no doubt have far more wear and tear. Stick with Sarah, your reasons are valid.

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