Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

[timeaway4now]

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

It would be a no from me . Your house . Don’t feel railroaded into what ultimately doesn’t work for you.

@Cindie943811A I agree that many posters ( myself included) are looking at this from an emotional, rather than a practical perspective!

I know I’m biased, because DH’s siblings wouldn’t pee on my DC if they were on fire, so I feel strongly about helping out family! It’s a huge relief that my eldest is nearly 18 now and could apply for guardianship of her brother if something happens to DH and I. We just couldn’t rely on the aunts and uncles to take care of them. ☹️

I think it’s pretty mean of you, honestly. Could you ask your sister to pay (well below market rate) rent and put that money away to cover and damage? Also, ask her to pay the cost of storing furniture? Either hers or, ideally, yours so it isn’t there to be damaged.

Can you say it won’t work with your house insurance? Surely it does affect changes even someone living there rent free? As you say where would you stay when you want to!

Yanbu, and your DS is a CF to make you feel bad after you’ve made other plans. Her kids are for her to support.

I think you’re right to go with Sarah but what if Sarah starts a family in the few years your gone, would that be ok?

I think whatever you decide, there should be a formal arrangement. Your niece may have a pleasant and charming boyfriend, but that could change, possibly if the relationship ends. Agree who pays bills, council tax etc.

Even if it is for £1 a week rent.

Id stick to your original plan OP, the other proposal has great potential for financial disaster and relationship WW3.

You want a house sitter, your own stuff kept in your own home, and to be able to stay in your own home on visits to UK.

@balalake Absolutely. Everything should be in writing and checked by a solicitor to ensure it’s legally binding.

Sarah could also decide she doesn't want to move out when you return? Even with Sarah, you need some legal agreement in place, just in case.

I wholeheartedly believe that if her family of 6 moved in, they would never ever leave.

When it came to you coming back they'd use every trick in the book to stay there and things would turn very ugly.

Just tell her Sarah’s house sitting as when you are home it will still be your base and that your not putting your stuff in storage just rearranging some and as such there simply wouldn’t be the space to let them live there.

you don’t need to feel bad about not letting someone live in your home for free. She’s actually being rather entitled and grabby. She hasn’t even asked hey could be live there low rent kinda thing she wants rent free because she can. Six people in a flat was her choice.

Go with Sarah. People saying make it clear they’d need to pay for damages, storage etc, how would that actually happen if they say they don’t have the money? It’s just too much hassle, and how easy would it be to make them leave after they’ve lived there a few years? If you wanted to rent it out you’d be doing that, you just want a house sitter. You’re not selfish at all.

I mean if it were my sister of course I would say yes. But it’s your house, you can do what you like.

Very tough situation. Maybe tell your sister that you have already asked your niece and she's accepted. Could you maybe charge a small amount of rent and let your sister collect this. It might help her to save a bit

Sarah is a housesitter. She is being paid in accommodation for keeping your property safe, clean and looked-after while you live elsewhere.

Your sister and family are not looking to protect your home. They want to live a family life in it. For this, you would need to charge rent to cover damage/wear and draw up a proper assured shorthold tenancy agreement.

You would also have nowhere to stay when you visit - you couldn't just come home whenever.

So... no to sister.

Besides, you already have an agreement with Sarah.

they put their furniture into storage
**
-they pay a small rent to cover damage or wear and tear. £400 a month? Perhaps refundable
**
-they pay for an airbnb for you when you want to come home, or they leave your house temporarily

By the time they pay for storage costs monthly, and Air BnBs regularly, let alone a monthly rent, they’re going to be spending as much as their current rent.

I’d approach it from this very practical financial point of view. Show that it won’t save them money, not really. Do the sums on storage for 3x years plus Air BnB plus damage deposit etc. See how much they could realistically save towards a house deposit in that time. If it’s not enough to buy, they’ll still need to rent at the end of the period. They need to factor in the much higher cost of living & bills on a bigger property too.

It’s one of those plans that sounds life-changing but I suspect the real sums don’t add up.

If you let them stay you run the risk of 6 people becoming attached to the house. And your extended family visiting them there. Then in the family’s minds it becomes their house and not yours. It’d be a bit too cuckoo in the nest for me.

Absolutely not unreasonable!

I would far prefer a single person stay in my house under those circumstances, the wear and tear for one thing!

it’s very telling that you didn’t think of having her and her family use the house. I’d be the same. Not a chance I’d have my sister or any of her lot in my house unsupervised

they are awful even when I AM there. I also didn’t want anyone with kids doing any checking up while we’re on holiday. I just know the kids would tag along and I wouldn’t want them wandering around the house

i house sat once and me and my son stayed exactly where we we’re supposed to, I did have a couple of local friends come over but people I know, love and trust to be super respectful of somebody else’s house.

How good are they being at saving when possible whilst in their tiny flat? If they would luxuriate in a bigger space and still have expenses for 2 years and not manage to save any money, it might not be worth the stress and expense of have a large family there.

Your sister might not even be able to save money. If it’s a big house heating etc will cost a lot more for a house than a small flat.

Before you go I would also film everything in your house, so you can prove if things break or there is a lot of wear and tear than expected.

I would not want 4 children in my house either, they will very soon think of it as their house and treat it like it is instead of being careful with stuff.

Yes exactly. Unless you have a bad relationship with the sister I don’t understand why you wouldn’t let her live there, if there’s any damage just ask her to pay for it surely

The neighbours might be annoyed a bit family live there? Who cares! You’re more bothered about your neighbours than your own sister?

Well yeah I didn't want to say it but that's where my heads at...

The guilt card would be played. She'd get the family on her side (like she already has now)

Urgh. Messy.

Also

are they renting privately at the moment? Or housing association etc? Will they be giving up security in any way?

and do they get any benefits that might be negatively affected by living rent-free in a family member’s home? There’s lots you cannot claim unless you have a legal tenancy and can prove your family member isn’t letting to you below market rate.

I would be worried about what happens when you come back. You can overlap with Sarah for a bit if necessary and as one person she can find probably accommodations fairly quickly. Your sister’s family might be searching for a rental or if they do save up a deposit waiting for a sale to complete for months and months.