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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

599 replies

timeaway4now · 04/09/2022 14:36

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

OP posts:
RandomUsernameHere · 04/09/2022 14:56

YANBU, I would just tell them all the reasons you have listed in your OP

Girlintheframe · 04/09/2022 14:57

I can see your dilemma but I think saying no to your sister could cause permanent damage to your relationship.

Letting her stay at yours would significantly improve her chances of saving for a deposit which would be wonderful for her and your nieces and nephews.

I would cover yourself that the house will be returned to you as it is. Also that your sister will be liable for any damages.

It all totally depends on your relationship, I just know I wouldn't turn down my sister in these circumstances.

MsClavel · 04/09/2022 14:57

I think the storage thing and wanting to use the house as and when you want to are good reasons to say no to your sister. I suppose it depends on your relationship, I’m very close to my siblings and would want to help them if I could. You’re essentially giving Sarah the opportunity to save a lot of money by not having to pay for accommodation. I can see why your sister would be upset as it sounds like she’s struggling. The housing market is also extremely difficult at the moment, much more so than when I bought my house a few years ago.

It’s your house and you have every right to do with it as you wish. However if you want to retain a good relationship with your sister (assuming you have one) I’d try to let her down gently and explain that you still want to be able to use it as when you want to which wouldn’t be possible if she was using it as her family home.

Cameleongirl · 04/09/2022 14:57

YANBU, but there’s a part of me that thinks this would be a “good” thing to do for your nieces and nephews.

It’s not your responsibility at all, of course, but it would be very generous to give them the chance to live in a spacious house.

If you did decide to do this, though, you’d need a proper tenancy agreement with your sister, even if she’s not paying a penny in rent, plus a move-in and move-out inspection to determine any damage they’re liable for.

As PP’s have said, it’s a tricky one. Aside from my elderly Dad, I know that our family members haven’t and wouldn’t do anything for us, even if we were in desperate circumstances. I wish it were otherwise and I hope my DC treat each other differently.

Original poster
timeaway4now · 04/09/2022 14:59

@Teacupsandtoast There's no bad blood or anything between us. Her family is just a lot.

OP posts:
ClocksGoingBackwards · 04/09/2022 14:59

Your sister has chosen her situation, it’s not your job to bail her out because she and her partner decided to have four children when they were barely able to provide a decent home for one.

You have valid reasons for saying no, plus the wear and tear would be significantly greater from a family of six than a single person. It wouldn’t just be doing her a favour, it would actually cost you money.

What others in the family think is irrelevant. You won’t be around to hear their opinions anyway.

daretodenim · 04/09/2022 14:59

Are you from a cultural background where wealthier family members financially support lots of nieces and nephews? I know quite a lot of people for whom the suggestion of your DSIS moving in would be part of a wider pattern of familial support - and more difficult to say no to.

If not, then I'm genuinely shocked that this has even been suggested, never mind expected now that it has. You're being expected to bankroll your DSIS. The wear and tear from a family of 6 is in no way similar to single person.

But not even that. They somehow see your property as a communal property. This isn't a family holiday cottage that family members have to organise a schedule of use for! It's your home! And they're not even asking to stay for reduced rent or peppercorn rent, or to cover the costs of your things being properly packed and moved to storage plus the storage, but for free! Sorry, I honestly can't get over it. Oh yes and you can camp in your own home around their things when you come beck to visit?! Nah. That's well into CF territory.

You are moving abroad. Either your new house will be paid for by the company or you'll get some kind of living allowance to cover/partly cover costs. But the point is it's not free accommodation! You're getting that as part of a package designed to make leaving home attractive! There's a cost to living abroad, even with the best pay and benefits package. Your family just sees your move as an extended holiday (rather then work) and that they should get a share too - kind of like having a winning lottery ticket.

YA in no way whatsoever at all BU.

But don't move abroad and post photos at the pool/beach, cocktails in the sunset etc. That will invoke nothing good in those who are upset with you.

wackamole · 04/09/2022 15:00

It's completely up to you and your husband. If the two of you and Sarah are happy with the original arrangement and unhappy with the new proposal, stick to what you agreed. Everyone has an opinion, but no one else has a vote.

TidyDancer · 04/09/2022 15:00

For me personally, I would weigh up the inconvenience to myself vs the benefit to my sister. I would find it hard to say no to her given her circumstances.

Would your sister be able to pay a nominal amount of rent to cover your things going into storage? And be reliably willing to pay for breakages?

OriginalUsername2 · 04/09/2022 15:00

JulieMarooley · 04/09/2022 14:51

Going against the grain, but I think you should consider what this would mean to your sister and nieces and nephews. It would be permanently life-changing for all of them, to save that much money, and to live with more space.

But I do understand your reluctance also, and it would be a pain if they broke something

But OP has made decisions in life that mean she has more. Sister has filled her home with too many children. I don’t see how sister has any right towards the fruits of OP’s labour. I understand asking but being miffed about it means she feels some sense of entitlement to help.

womaninatightspot · 04/09/2022 15:01

I have four kids and they are hard on the house tbh. I wouldn’t I think you’d fall out regardless at the wear and tear/ damage when you eventually return. I’d also be very annoyed at paying storage/ hotel fees/ maintenance bills. Obviously things go wrong regardless but they go wrong faster when six people are using them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2022 15:02

Team Sarah.

How likely is your sisters family to happily move our once you want it back ft? Given your family seem to think you owe her a free house for a few years you’d only be pushing the bad blood down the line when you want it back and they plead not being able to pay for somewhere suitable.

newyearsresolurion · 04/09/2022 15:02

No way stick to your plan. Your house your decision you can't please everyone

Arenanewbie · 04/09/2022 15:02

I think your main arguments should be that you are still going to come for visits at a very short notice and Sarah won’t be using the whole house just a part of it. I presume she’s going to pay bills ? So paying bills for the bigger house might be quite expensive for your sister plus your storage plus your prospective hotels stay.

Mountainpika · 04/09/2022 15:02

Your house, your choice. Too complicated if a family moved in.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2022 15:03

Relocatiorelocation · 04/09/2022 14:56

Unless there's a huge backstop it seems incredibly mean to not give your sister this life changing opportunity. She could pay for your / her stuff to go into storage.
Do you like her?

Oh, FFS. Mean? Stop being so ridiculous. The op has several, very good reasons for not wanting her sister to live there, and the op doesn't owe her sister a damn thing.

Op, the sooner you learn to ignore outside pressures the happier you'll be.

dreamingbohemian · 04/09/2022 15:03

I mean your reasons are valid I suppose but your sister will be incredibly hurt and I don't really blame her. You're in a position to completely change her life but you're more worried about your furniture and the neighbours.

Original poster
timeaway4now · 04/09/2022 15:03

@Capricapri she does already have a boyfriend that we have met multiple times. He's a really nice young man. We would be okay with him living there as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
timeaway4now · 04/09/2022 15:04

@Capricapri I suppose if they wanted to move away we would probably reevaluate moving back earlier.

OP posts:
daretodenim · 04/09/2022 15:05

Also. won't it be much more expensive to get your place than theirs?

And what happens if they don't save enough for a deposit in time for your return? Then you'll be forced to throw them out?!! They've already shown a phenomenal level of entitlement. The thought they'd move back into a small place in order for you to get your home back is impossible to imagine. The chance of not having at least a few months house-sharing your home seems rather small.

Brigante9 · 04/09/2022 15:06

So who’d pay for your stuff to be moved/stored? Who pays insurance/council tax/bills?

DottyLittleRainbow · 04/09/2022 15:06

Trouble is that if you need to move back in at short notice, say sooner than expected, it will be much harder for your sister and kids to find a new home quickly than your single niece. Rental market is dreadful at the moment, 100s of people bidding for one property. You could end up with nowhere to live.

Stick with your original plan.

Ultimately, your sister chose to have 4 children and that’s not your responsibility.

Msmbc · 04/09/2022 15:06

I'm really shocked you wouldn't offer this help to your sister if there's no bad blood. And so depressed by posters saying it's her own fault she is struggling because she had too many children.

The issues could be overcome fairly easily and it would be life changing for your sister.

OriginalUsername2 · 04/09/2022 15:08

dreamingbohemian · 04/09/2022 15:03

I mean your reasons are valid I suppose but your sister will be incredibly hurt and I don't really blame her. You're in a position to completely change her life but you're more worried about your furniture and the neighbours.

Why should she change their life for them and lose money just because she’s made better financial decisions?

Stressybetty · 04/09/2022 15:11

I would let sister and family move in. Have a sit down discussion with her and her DH and then draw up a proper written agreement which you all sign on what's been agreed so you can enforce if needed later. Put your stuff in storage to keep from being damaged. Your problems will be them refusing to leave when you need to move back in, damaging the property and annoying the neighbours. All this can be discussed with them and agreed up front. Your niece can move in the spare bedroom if she needs to. A house is just a house, family is more precious.