Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

[timeaway4now]

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

It sounds like the arrangement with Sarah benefits both of you, her usage would be more consistent with a house sitter arrangement, with space for you to stay in your own home when you return from abroad.

The arrangement with your sister has the potential to cause a lot of stress between wear and tear, furniture storage, and what happens if they can't find somewhere that suits them when you move back.

I'd also be worried about giving them rent free accommodation only to be the bad guy if they can't find somewhere comparable to move to, when it's time for you to move back into your own home.

Sounds like you don't like your sister much. Of course she should get the house.

The needing to store your furniture and belongings and needing somewhere to stay when you visit is sufficient as a reason that your sister's request is not feasible.

@JustCleaningtheBBQ we were planning on setting it up formally with Sarah as a lodger tenancy. So officially she would be renting a room from us. Of course we would be giving her more notice than required to move. We would actually be okay with her staying longer after we moved back if she needed more time.

Why???????

I would let my sister stay. Wouldn't even need to think about it tbh. If I could help my sister out in that way I would do so without question.

This is a good compromise.

Why?!

You don’t just have to give people things because they want it and don’t have it?

your niece has a boyfriend and you will be happy for him to live there. But relationships are not set in stone. What if they break up and want to move elsew here, what will you do with your house? Would you rent it out to tenants?

With your sister, you would know she would live therefor 3 years.

Why on earth should Sarah pay money to op’s sister who has nothing to do with the situation? That’s unfair and just weird.

Trust your instincts and stick with your original plan of letting your niece house sit. Don’t let the rest of your family guilt trip you. What happens if your sister has reasons to not leave your house when you return permanently? It could get messy.

YANBU it's a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' scenario. Whatever you decide, your relationship with your sister will probably deteriorate.

If you say no, she will resent you for it and your other family will judge you. Those relationships will never be the same.

If you let her stay in the house, you will resent her for pressuring you into it and giving you the extra hassle of not being able to stay in your own place when you visit. Plus the bad feelings if the house or your possessions are damaged and/or the family don't move out when you want the house back.

It’s obviously your call.

I do see your sister’s point in feeling a bit upset. You have a large property that will sit empty, she needs some help. You’re seem more concerned with the house ‘taking a few knocks’ (they’re not going to burn the place down) than helping out your sister and kids, who seem to be in a much less privileged position.

Blimey think you are being a little bit mean this is your sister don’t families help each other out?
Can’t you come to a compromise? So they pay you half the rent they pay now? This would cover wear and tear and storage and pay your hotel bills but would also hopefully let them save. In the meantime their children your nieces/nephews have more space.

Here is a question for OP
If your sister needed a kidney, would you give yours if you were the only match ?

I would worry your sister wouldn't want to move out when you came back. I would just say what you said in your op, that you've already arranged for your niece to stay (I hope she is paying your bills whilst there rent free) and that you will be coming back occasionally so would need to be able to stay in your own house. Leave it at that, don't say you'll think about it etc just this is what is happening

Well yeah, me too. But my sister and I have pretty equally matched family sizes, and housekeeping standards (her are higher!) We are close.

In OP’s case she’s not close to her sister, is clearly pretty houseproud and likes to be in control, and has a completely different family set-up.

I don’t think she’s wrong to say no. It’s about how that message is discussed and understood, really.

WTF?😂😂😂

Let Sarah stay.

Your sister was stupid enough to have 4 children in a small flat.

As much as I understand you’re reasoning I feel you’re looking for reasons to say no. Personally I’d help my sister and her kids. I suspect the fall out from your decision will be huge.

It would be hard for your sister to move out in a few years as her kids will be settled in schools (unless your area has plenty of affordable rentals). Imagine the emotional pressure that would be applied in order to allow them to stay and for you to rent somewhere. If she is being pushy now, imagine what she would be like on your return. Be careful OP!

I hate an this "personally I would help my sister", "it's your sister" crap. OP doesn't need to hand over her bloody home just because her sister it's blood related and has made poor life decisions. The entitlement is unreal!

Her sister would not need helping out if she hadn't had 4 children in a small flat. Her problems are of her own making

I'd say it's unfair having either I would get a tenant don't mix business with family.

Who knows what the housing situation will look like in a couple of years time. Your sister might not be able to find anywhere new to rent or have the money to, will you chuck her and her 4 children out?