Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

[timeaway4now]

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

What happens if you want to come back early?
you would have to wait until they found another house or flat to to rent and give them notice, which wouldn’t be easy with 4 teenagers, they might even get pets whilst you are away with so much room and a garden……

all too complicated, stick to Sarah.

Your sister is the one risking causing bad blood by making such an unreasonable request in the first place, not you OP.

@OriginalUsername2 I’d be thinking about the children, not her sister, tbh. It would be so good for them to live in a spacious house instead of a cramped flat. If the OP’s house is in a catchment area with good schools as well, it could also benefit them educationally.

A house is just a building, these are children who haven’t caused their current situation.

I know this sounds sentimental, but I’m fairly indifferent about possessions and where I live.

It’s a shame you don’t want to do this for your sister. I couldn’t imagine not being excited by the opportunity to help if I was in a position to do so.

Let Sarah stay. Unless they are quadruplets your sister should have factored in the cost and logistics of having four children.

I think that no matter what you decide this will affect your relationship with your sister. I say that so you know that going in, NOT to make you choose one way or another.

If you don’t agree to it she will resent you… if you do agree to it you will resent her. In a way it, if you approach the situation knowing this it makes it easier to decide the path forward.

With that being said… here is my opinion

I would not agree to your sister moving in for the reasons you stated. Your house will have more wear and tear from your sister’s family than it would from a single woman. That isn’t rocket science. You won’t have a place to stay during that time period and let’s be honest when you plan to return full time.

It’s very likely that your sister would not have saved enough for buying a home of her own during that time and you would be in a position to have to evict them… could you do that? What about damage? What happens when they damage something expensive to fix? How will that work?

there is just too much room for things to go catastrophically wrong with a large family living in your house.

She doesn't have to lose money. She can ask her sister to pay a deposit and for storage.

We don't know the sister made bad financial decisions. How many people have lost their jobs and businesses due to COVID and Brexit? A hell of a lot.

I'd be concerned about the timing of when you move back and them finding somewhere new to live. What if it doesn't get sorted in time?

It is tricky but I'd be concerned about her attitude. If I asked this of someone and they said no I would accept that and not mention it again. Her attitude is entitled which makes her more likely to take the piss later.

You were looking for a house-sitter, not tenants. Someone staying in the house as-is to take care of it for you is an entirely different kettle of fish to a large family moving your stuff out and themselves in.

You could even illustrate this in monetary terms.

Cost to you of a house-sitter/caretaker £100 per week. Rent charged to Sarah as a lodger in a single room £100 per week. Therefore zero net.

Compare to

Cost of storage, wear and tear on the house (the exact opposite to the custodial role of a house-sitter), occupancy of the full house, additional cost of accommodation for you, fee to compensate for the inconvenience of not having ready access to your belongings, additional insurance for the house, additional insurance for your belongings in storage etc £2k per month

YA absolutely NBU. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Other family members’ opinions are irrelevant. Stick to your guns. Not least because you won’t be able to stay in your own house when you come back to visit if they’re there.
You don’t owe your sister anything. She chose to have 4 children knowing she lived in a small flat. That is her problem, not yours.

We’re in a similar situation re being away for work reasons for 3 years and our home insurance comes with A LOT of conditions, and is very very expensive. It would be an absolute no from me.

If it were me, I would compromise. Sister gets to live in your house for one year. And that's it.

Of course I would let my sister stay, because I love her and would want to help her. Under your circumstances, I would do it under the following conditions:

-they put their furniture into storage

-they pay a small rent to cover damage or wear and tear. £400 a month? Perhaps refundable

-they pay for an airbnb for you when you want to come home, or they leave your house temporarily

@ChiefPearlClutcher Thats a good point, they’re also need to look at their mortgage conditions. It may prove impossible to rent it out to anyone-and I think they would need a proper tenancy agreement for this.

So it could all be a moot point!

@DottyLittleRainbow that is a really good and scary point that we had not considered. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.

It's a small consideration but my mum had stuff in storage for 2/3 years and when she emptied it a lot of the furniture was damaged from damp and had to be chucked. It all.smelled misty too and anything soft had to be washed once or twice, was a right faff

You don’t need to justify anything. You prefer Sarah to be there and that’s fine. The whole house deposit thing is cheeky. Should’ve had fewer kids if they want to save money!

I think those posters criticising OP are being very unfair. There is a lot less flexibility with allowing the sister and children to stay, what if OP wants to visit a lot and wants somewhere quiet to stay? or even move back early? With children in school that isn't that straight forward. Also, I have a family member with 4 children... Their house is absolute chaos and every time they visit their children damage something. If they were here for a few years I feel like everything would need replacing. That might sound harsh but it's true.

The arrangement with Sarah seems easier and cheaper for OP, with more flexibility. Even if she has the odd party, I had many parties in my twenties and it was very rare anything ever got damaged.

OP it's your house, please don't feel guilty for whatever you decide to do.

I wouldn't let a family of 6 move into a space I in anyway felt personally attached to (we're currently a family of 5 and I know what accidental damage/wear and tear occurs with even the most conscious children) You are not being unreasonable. You can love someone dearly and not want them living in your house which you worked hard for. I'm assuming (correct me if I'm wrong) that you don't have children or pets? I have a bachelor friend who lives in a lovely 4 bedroom house that he has spent over 10 years making exactly how he wants it through effort and even if he offered it to me rent free for a few years I'd have to say no, I couldn't guarantee its maintainence to the standard someone without kids would expect and would feel terrible for the wear and tear my children would cause through just plain old living there. Would the free home be helpful? You're damn right it would but would I want to spend years trying to keep children's fingers off walls and give them a complex about cleanliness and carpet preservation? No, I would not.

It sounds like. your niece would have a long-term house-sitting arrangement with you, whereby your house is still available to you. By contrast, your sister would be renting the house for free. These are very different things. A house sitter takes care of a house (and pets sometimes) whereas a tenant usually pays a refundable deposit to protect the owner from the costs of wear and tear. If you were after a tenant you would presumably rent the house out on the open market and enjoy the additional income. As you are not, you want your house to continue to be furnished as your house, looked after and made available to you as and when you need it.

It’s sort of about your sister, but mainly it’s about your nephews and nieces - don’t you want them to have more space?

It really is completely up to you, absolutely. But I can see why your sister might be devastated. It really would make a difference to their whole family.

Ask her to pay for storage and explain you will need to be able to stay when you are in the UK (say what your expectations are eg which bedroom and so on).

@ChimChimeny we will definitely take that into consideration

Cameleongirl the first year just for insurance, not everything else we were required to install (cameras, leak detectors etc) came to £4.5k, this year in came down to 3k with the same insurer. No way would I let anyone stay.
A previous poster also had a good point - I wanted to be sure that if schools etc did not work out and the kids weren’t happy, we could be home immediatly. They kept rooms as they were and still had their ‘base’. It is still our home. One year to go!

The niece also has “no right” to the fruits of OP’s labour, but she’s to benefit anyway. She’s no more or less deserving than OP’s sister.

Stick to your guns your sister is being a CF to the extreme. Don’t bend to her demands!