Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

[timeaway4now]

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

Can’t see any mention of DH’s family needing a house. Regarding the Niece I’d discuss it with the her and explain the reasoning.

The niece is from his side of the family... Therefore, his family...

Yes, I wonder if the sister asked about the house before finding out the niece would be there rent free. If she knew OP was going abroad, did she ask about it. If she hadn’t previously known OP was going abroad, it would suggest the suggest the sisters aren’t that close.

Your house, your rules.
If that’s how you feel, then you’re not being unreasonable.

Sometimes, family are the worst people to have around - and imagine if some serious damage was caused to your house by the sister and they wouldn’t/couldn’t pay - very messy.

Personally, I’d rent it through an agent, but a single (careful?) person there would be best for you. And YOU are who really counts in this situation.

What I meant was A family. The needs of a family with children would trump an adult.

Perhaps when assigning council houses, but not when it’s OP and her family’s home they don’t. This single person with a closer relationship to OP, who is trusted by OP and husband in regards to actually looking after the house, making it available, and relinquishing it when the time comes, certainly trumps this family with children.

The sister doesn’t ‘need’ a house anyway, she can continue managing in a flat, as she has done.

Like I said my personal opinion. OP can obviously do whatever she likes.

Can you imagine the hoo hah if the niece posted a thread saying her uncle had agreed to her house sitting but then revoked the offer in favour of his SIL?! It's be uproar so I'm not sure why so many are in favour of Sarah being sacked off for the sister!

Because it's his family, not hers, and the majority of people are as thick as pigshit* and not realised that she is as much family of the homeowners as the sister is.

• A scientific poll in 2016 proved that 52% of respondents preferred to cut their nose off to spite their face.

Its not really letting someone live rent free- they are a caretaker- like the 'guardian' service for empty properties. The OP wants to be able to dip into and out of her house at her will. Keep her stuff around in the house and know that someone is taking care of the property.

I understand this. It makes absolute sense.

Choices are:

1. You get someone to look after your property- which you can still dip in and out of and which you can use the whole time you are away- the caretaker's by product is them saving cash.

1. You get someone to look after your property- which is 'off limits' and you cannot enjoy the property whilst you are away- the caretakers by product is them saving cash

Both scenarios can result in damage to the property- but the one with the most people living there is higher risk.

I can see why you are going for option 1. But I would go for option 2 as it benefits a greater number of family members and I dont rate the inconvenience to me that highly.

If you didn’t settle in the other place, and wanted to come home- there wouldn’t be a home…

This. There is 6 of them living in a flat for goodness sake.

I wouldn't let the sister move in. As hard as it sounds. I am presuming you both have been given equal opportunity from your parents and you mention about she is throwing the word privilege about but if it is because of you and your DH life choices that led to you having a bigger house and her choices that didn't. She shouldn't be guilting you onto this. And it's DH home and your family decision that you want to come back to home that hasn't got lots of wear and tear which will enviably happen with 4 kids.

This thread is very revealing about the selfish nature of people.

OP has one kid in a big house and can afford to move abroad and not rent flat out. Sounds like house is owned.
Sister has 4 kids in cramped rented flat
OP is obviously far wealthier. Posters comment about the sisters poor life choices without even considering the far greater likelihood of OP's luck or sisters misfortune.

Being poor(er) in this country is damn hard. It's almost impossible to save for a deposit these days while paying insane private rents. On the other hand, to be able to move out of your home and live elsewhere without selling it or renting it out means you have serious ££.

I think OP should let her sister live there. She can charge a small amount of rent and ask for a deposit to cover the risks of damage - that still will enable sister to finally be able to save for a deposit. It's one step to help reduce our harmful gap between rich and poor in this country.

@breadwidow - your suggestion is that OP is obliged to take full financial responsibility for her sister because the sister has less money than she has. Pretty words, but try giving up your own home first before you ask others to do so. What level of income disparity makes someone responsible for paying for other adults and their decisions? Are they ever expected to take financial responsibility for themselves, or is it regardless of their opportunities and habits?

You could also argue though that the way the sister and relatives are viewing this as it is her right to stay in the house means that they would also believe they have a right to continue to stay there when the OP and her family come back, and they can't afford to buy/rent anywhere because they havent actually saved or taking action to change their lifestyle despite having the opportunity to. I'm sorry but they chose to have 4 children when living in a flat. Unless there is a drip feed that it's was quads or the two sister parents chose to only help the OP and not the other out, then there is alot more things to consider including the rights to help the young DH niece save for her own place and for the OP to be able to come back to their own home that they own whenever they want too without having to pay storage or hotels.

Also the OP might move abroad and 3 months later change their mind. With the cost of living coming up and things changing it would be very hard to then kick out the family. Perhaps a compromise could be you say year 1 is for the DH niece whilst you decide if this move is right for you. This gives DH family a year of support and niece to save (presuming she works so if living almost rent free then should be able to save a decent amount) then if the move is looking long term and you are settled, you'll consider giving notice to the niece and offering to sister family. But I'd defo say until your 100% happy living abroad I'd have your house that you own avaliable to come back to easily. You mat decide you come back more regularly which changes if you can let sister family live there/how much hotel stays you'll be paying for etc.

OP has said the sister lived previously in another flat of the same size. She did indeed choose to have six children knowing her living situation. I’m sure it is damn hard, but that’s something she could have worked out about four children ago.

Even so, still not OP’s responsibility to presumably ignore that fact that her husband also has a say over a house that is equally his, and renege on agreements already made with a family member she is closer to. That’s ignoring any legal issues in regards to tenancies, the fact that her house is likely to get wrecked, she’ll have to put her things in storage, won’t be able to stay there when she returns, and will probably struggle to get her sister out when they return full time. Good luck on trying to get reimbursed for any damages too.

@MRex I didn't mean to suggest that the OP should take financial responsibility for her sister. I just think that the situation that the OP finds herself in (moving abroad, not having to rent out house) provides a unique opportunity to help her poorer sister. I cannot easily imagine the situation as I'm not well off at all, but I'd like to think that if I was in the OPs situation I'd use it to help a sibling in need.

You suggested OP should give up access to her own house and accept her possessions will be damaged, as well as pay to put things in storage - all for the financial benefit of the sister. That is taking financial responsibility for the sister.

How did your sister find out that DH's niece is going to living there rent free?

breadwidow · Today 07:28
This thread is very revealing about the selfish nature of people.

Its not! Most of us are not in OP’s fortunate position or ever likely to be. However, we can look at the situation unemotionally and judge which option is most likely to end in tears. And it’s not letting Sarah house sit for the time OP is away!

YABU and a bit selfish. Why should the nice be entitled to a rent free ride over a family with kids? You clearly don't think much of your other nieces and nephews living in cramped conditions
If I was your sister, I would be deeply hurt. I am speaking as the luckiest of 3 siblings. We had the same opportunities but I also had a lot of luck to be where I am now. It is not necessarily always all about the choices you make. Sometimes, all you need to lift you up is for some luck to come your way. For your sister's family that sort of opportunity would possibly mean she could lift herself up from where she is now. Imagine the shoe being on the other foot. How would you feel if you were in your sister's position?

Because she’s the one that the OP and her DH (who also has a say, after all) are closest to and trust to look after the house for them. As far as entitlement goes, the niece is entitled to accept their proposition. The sister isn’t entitled to anything, because it hasn’t been offered.

How the nieces and nephews are faring in cramped conditions the sister voluntarily birthed them into, is in no way OP’s problem. What is selfish is not only being a grown adult and thinking your family members are obliged to house you, but thinking you’re entitled to pressure them into it when you already know 1, they’ve made plans and 2, it’s going to massively inconvenience as well as financially cost them.

Any sibling that would throw a tantrum because they’re not getting their way I wouldn’t be inclined to consider a loss.

breadwidow
This thread is very revealing about the selfish nature of people

I would say that the thread shows the entitled nature of people, and how posters seem to think that only the family of 6 is worth helping.

It also shows how easy it is for some to say what others should do with tothers property.