Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

[timeaway4now]

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

@FrippEnos you beat me to it; this thread is a window into the entitlement of others. I can never imagine expecting or demanding a sibling houses me and my brood of numerous children. No one made her have so many children; it’s her choice and she needs to own that

Nobody said that the sister is entitled to anything on this thread. I cannot imagine being in a position where I can give a family member a leg up and being selfish enough not to even to consider it in the first place. The sister is not wanting or demanding anything and it is correct she is not entitled to anything. The OP seems really detached from her sister and her position and sounds really cold. Just glad she is not my sister!

The sister is not wanting or demanding anything and it is correct she is not entitled to anything.

The sister wants her to let her live in the house, rent free.

OP started this thread because the sister wants to live in her house rent free, despite the inconvenience this would cause OP, and ignoring the fact that arrangements have already been made.

and it has been said in this thread that the sister is more entitled than the niece, despite the fact that the niece is the oneOP and her DH have offered it to.

But yes, she’s definitely being selfish because she doesn’t want her house trashed, or to have to put her stuff in storage, or be unable to stay in her own home when they return. Totally selfish because she doesn’t want to struggle to get them out when they do move back full time, and have to pay for the damages themselves. Obviously the vast majority of people would happily volunteer for all of the above, yourself included, but not OP. What a monster 😂

@lickenchugget exactly!!!!!

There is a lot of assumption being made how the sister would trash the house and the saint niece Sarah would not. Sounds like the niece is young, and I imagine she might organise a few good parties in a big empty house. 😆
I absolutely sick of constantly hearing how being poor is your own fault and if you are well off that means you just worked hard enough. This mindset is at the very core of what is wrong with our society.

Oh come on! As a mum of 4, there would more than likely be some destruction (and op has already seen that). Plus op would have to love her stuff in storage, not be able to stay when she visits and it'll be a pallaver when she gets back.

It's not her fault her sister didn't sort herself out before having so many kids, but why should she be put out because of that?

People on this thread are ridiculous and entitled. The niece can stay in the house but OP can also freely come and go and use her own home too. The option with the sister means OP is effectively giving her the house for a few years, even though OPs plans may not be finalised/concrete. Also what about the husband's opinion?! OP is more than entitled to want a house sitter, not a tenant.

You may want to reread the thread.

Wear and tear from six people (4 of which are kids!) is going to be worse than wear and tear from one, or even two. That is unavoidable. Op also knows how her sister lives, so she can make a reasonable guess as to what to expect.

OP and her DH are closer to her niece, and actually trust her. I had access to a big house at the same age, and funnily enough managed to not throw wild parties in it, I don’t see why Sarah wouldn’t be able to do the same. Funny though how we’re not to make assumptions about the sister, but it’s fine to make them about Sarah.

People’s choices in life absolutely help determine what position they’ll find themselves in. Despite what you may like to believe, not everyone is a helpless victim of circumstance. The sister was living in a two bed flat when she decided to have six children. She and her husband are responsible for that, no one else. I’d say expecting other people to bail you out at their cost and inconvenience when you’re a grown adult is no less a problematic attitude.

The sister has 4, not 6 children. I just cannot imagine being a person who would not consider her sister first knowing her circumstances before considering her husband's niece. Regardless of her sister's life choices, it is her nieces and nephews- she has the power to change 4 kids lives at little cost and effort yet she chose not to. I am not quite shocked but not surprised. This sort of mindset is unfathomable to me but then it is probably because I am not British. Perhaps it is cultural difference, I just can't imagine to not consider close family first if you have means to help.

@Desperado40 the sister didn't even mention that she'd like to use the house until AFTER OP and her DH had asked Sarah to house sit. OP isn't psychic. She and DH wanted their house looking after, but be able to return whenever they needed to. There was no reason to consider her sister because a) sister had never mentioned anything about using their house and b) they wouldn't be able to come back frequently and return for good without problems if more than one person or a couple were also using it.

By the time sis asked, the deal had been done with Sarah. Her uncle reneging on the offer would be despicable..

I said ‘four of which are kids’. I can well imagine not considering a person who would likely cause me a shit load of trouble (that has been highlighted, and ignored, ad nauseum). That seems quite sensible, actually.

it is also the husband’s house. It’s not for OP to unilaterally decide to give it to her sister as if that family relationship somehow matters more than others. The fact that she has children is irrelevant. She chose to to have four knowing she could only provide a two bed, and has somehow managed up to this point.

Bold assumption on the last part, because I’m not British either. If ‘willing to get the piss taken out of me by entitled relatives wanting to freeload’ is supposed to be a cultural value then you can go ahead and miss me with that bullet.

Oh, and a greater proportion of shared DNA isn’t a measure of actual closeness when it comes to relationships. She may be more closely related to her sister, but she is closer to her niece. As such she has considered close family, and is helping them.

You also said "The sister was living in a two bed flat when she decided to have six children."

So I did, clearly mistyped. A pressing issue, that.

I'm shocked at you attitude to your sister, nieces and nephews. I think you could charge her some rent to cover wear and tear, etc. But just refusing is awful

I’m shocked at your attitude to OP’s niece who’s already been offered the property. What do you have against her?

I couldn't not help my sister. I really love my sister very much and I love my BiL as well.

I think I'd ask for a small rent that would over time pay for a paint/redecoration

The OP knows the sister and children won't respect her home. When they return to stay for a week she wants to find it pretty much the same as it was when she left. Plus what if they refuse to leave when they do return in a few years for good.

It's good to know that so many mumsnetters are happy to go back on an arrangement already made with and accepted by a close family member. Presumably as long as that person is a close family member of the male half of the marriage. Or maybe 'not a mother'.

What's especially appalling about it is that letting the niece down is suggested in po faced and pious posts about family.

The op loves her niece.

Is that not pious enough?

Does OP’s husband get a say, or should OP just hand it over to her sister regardless of what he thinks?

OP also loves her niece, and is closer to her than she is her sister. I also bet she loves her home, and would rather not subject it, and her family, to a shitshow that can’t be compensated by ‘a small rent’.

Does OP’s husband get a say, or should OP just hand it over to her sister regardless of what he thinks?

Posters on AIBU >>>>>>> the law >>>>>>>> the OP >>>>>>> kids >>>>>pets >>>>>>>>>> the OP's DH